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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DH is going to cheat because his brother is?

41 replies

ChocolateTeapot1975 · 31/08/2019 23:40

DH and I married for 10 years, 2 young boys. We have had our ups and downs. He cheated on me several times before we got married. I knew about one woman and forgave him. I found out about the others recently. Since we got engaged he hasn’t cheated.

The last year or two has been tough. The boys are young and demanding. We don’t get much time together. We almost split up and had counselling. Sex life is not great. Currently having sex about once a month.

So something happened and I guessed that DH’s brother is having an affair. I asked DH and he told me the truth as his brother had told him. Let’s call him G. So G has been unhappy for a few years. He also has young kids but older than my boys. G has been with his wife since uni and he says she dotes on him but for some reason they clash a lot. G is quite an entitled type, DH less so. So G doesn’t want to leave his wife but has started using a dating app to meet other married women for sex and chats. He has 2 girlfriends at the moment. He says that it has improved his relationship with his wife 😱. DH has sworn me to secrecy but he adores his brother and thinks he can do no wrong. DH doesn’t feel bad for his SIL.

The reason that DH and G met was to talk about our relationship problems and G confided in DH about this other stuff.

I said to DH that I feel bad for his SIL but then again maybe she’s doing it too? DH said he hadn’t seen her profile on the website (!!!). I didn’t react. So clearly DH has looked on there.

Now I’m thinking that, because we have had problems, especially with our sex life, G has probably encouraged DH to sign up and have his own adventures. When we were out today, I kept looking at attractive mothers and wondering if my DH is going to shag her via this website.

AIBU to think he’s going to cheat on me?

I should add that things are improving between me and DH but they’re still not great.

OP posts:
ShirleyPhallus · 31/08/2019 23:43

I don’t think it’s anytjing to do with his brother

It’s that he cheated on you several times before you married, but you married him anyway and so gave him the message that it’s ok to cheat

That’s why he would do it again

Original poster
ChocolateTeapot1975 · 31/08/2019 23:44

And I feel sad for G’s adoring wife. I can’t see this ending well.

BTW, we socialise with them a lot so it’s going to feel a bit awkward. DH isn’t going to tell G that I know.

I feel upset that DH hasn’t remotely criticised G for this. He thinks that SIL is a bit of a pain.

OP posts:
dollydaydream114 · 31/08/2019 23:44

His brother’s behaviour has absolutely nothing to do with the likelihood of your husband cheating.

The fact that he has cheated on you multiple times in the past does.

Graphista · 31/08/2019 23:45

Why on earth did you marry him?!

Someone isn't more likely to cheat because a sibling is a cheat that's a red herring.

But they ARE likely to cheat if they have done it before!

Chances are he already is cheating and this may be his way of letting you know/testing the waters.

You let him away with it before he has no reason to think you wouldn't again.

Why are you tolerating such shoddy treatment?

Original poster
ChocolateTeapot1975 · 31/08/2019 23:45

The cheating before we got married was a ONS with a stranger and some snogs with randoms.

I wouldn’t take back a cheater again.

OP posts:
ladybirdsarelovely33 · 31/08/2019 23:46

To be honest, the thing that strikes me first is my concern for you and your self esteem and confidence. I am concerned about your self worth that you would continue in a relationship with someone who has cheated on you several times.
I can't see how your OH is going to change and he condones this behaviour in your BIL.
You are surely worth not being treated like this.

Original poster
ChocolateTeapot1975 · 31/08/2019 23:47

The reason I tolerated it before was because I had low self esteem and I am older and we were going to try for a baby and I was worried about missing out on having kids. I know it sounds stupid.

OP posts:
sheshootssheimplores · 31/08/2019 23:47

I think the fact that he told you about his brothers infidelities is a good sign. Surely if he was planning on doing the same thing he’d have kept shtum.

Original poster
ChocolateTeapot1975 · 31/08/2019 23:48

The last time he cheated on me was 12 years ago. I had no concerns about it happening again until this stuff with his brother.

OP posts:
Original poster
ChocolateTeapot1975 · 31/08/2019 23:49

sheshootssheimplores maybe. He said he told me so I’d stop digging though.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 31/08/2019 23:49

I'd assume he has already TBF. He was lying to you about what happened before you got married. Why the sudden change? Or is he exactly the same and just got better at lying.

He thinks lying and cheating is OK and has no empathy for the wronged party. Classic.

dontcallmeduck · 31/08/2019 23:50

Agree it’s the fact that he has cheated before that makes it more likely. And the fact he doesn’t seem to feel bad for his SIL.

Original poster
ChocolateTeapot1975 · 31/08/2019 23:51

Also, I didn’t find out about the snogs until recently. It’s difficult to break up with someone 12 years and 2 kids later. Even the counsellor was saying that it wasn’t fair for me to bring it up and be upset about it now because I married him anyway.

OP posts:
Original poster
ChocolateTeapot1975 · 31/08/2019 23:53

I am struggling to completely trust DH at the moment.

OP posts:
ladybirdsarelovely33 · 31/08/2019 23:54

DH's best friend was unfaithful to his wife. It happened a year after his brother had an affair and left his wife.
We all definitely felt that his brother having the affair gave him 'permission' to also be a dickhead.

dontcallmeduck · 31/08/2019 23:55

Once a cheater does not mean always a cheater. But it wouldn’t sit right with me how he is reacting to his DB’s affairs.

Givemealittkewan · 31/08/2019 23:55

No one can ever make someone else cheat. You are responsible for your own actions.

however I see it all the time in our local pub there's a group of lads that cheat on their wives/partners. They all live the happy perfect family life on face book. It's as if cheating is deemed 'acceptable' so that it becomes the norm for them.

I have male friends who I know don't cheat and who wouldn't tolerate or cover up for a friend cheating. I do think the values and beliefs of those around you can shape or contribute to the behaviour you hold yourself to

Not saying that it's only men that cheat by any means

Inebriati · 31/08/2019 23:55

Thats a surprising thing for a counsellor to say.

ladybirdsarelovely33 · 31/08/2019 23:56

Your counsellor isn't being helpful. If you have unresolved issues from the past, you can't just forget them.
Are you both in counselling?

Sayhellotothethings · 31/08/2019 23:57

If he wants to cheat, he will cheat, regardless of what his DB is up to.

Original poster
ChocolateTeapot1975 · 31/08/2019 23:57

DH really admires his brother. I do feel like G will have been saying go on join the website, it might actually improve your relationship with Choc and will keep the family together.

OP posts:
Original poster
ChocolateTeapot1975 · 31/08/2019 23:59

We stopped going to the counselling because it wasn’t helping. I’m trying to sort things out through self help books. We can no longer afford counselling anyway.

OP posts:
Original poster
ChocolateTeapot1975 · 31/08/2019 23:59

If he wants to cheat, he will cheat, regardless of what his DB is up to.
But his brother is making it normal and acceptable.

OP posts:
SimplySteveRedux · 01/09/2019 00:00

He cheated on me several times before we got married.

Since we got engaged he hasn’t cheated.

Is that what he's told you? I'd think as you justified his behaviour by marrying him he has likely been cheating on you continuously.

SimplySteveRedux · 01/09/2019 00:01

He cheated on me several times before we got married.

Since we got engaged he hasn’t cheated.

Is that what he's told you? I'd think as you justified his behaviour by marrying him he has likely been cheating on you continuously.