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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think DH is going to cheat because his brother is?

41 replies

ChocolateTeapot1975 · 31/08/2019 23:40

DH and I married for 10 years, 2 young boys. We have had our ups and downs. He cheated on me several times before we got married. I knew about one woman and forgave him. I found out about the others recently. Since we got engaged he hasn’t cheated.

The last year or two has been tough. The boys are young and demanding. We don’t get much time together. We almost split up and had counselling. Sex life is not great. Currently having sex about once a month.

So something happened and I guessed that DH’s brother is having an affair. I asked DH and he told me the truth as his brother had told him. Let’s call him G. So G has been unhappy for a few years. He also has young kids but older than my boys. G has been with his wife since uni and he says she dotes on him but for some reason they clash a lot. G is quite an entitled type, DH less so. So G doesn’t want to leave his wife but has started using a dating app to meet other married women for sex and chats. He has 2 girlfriends at the moment. He says that it has improved his relationship with his wife 😱. DH has sworn me to secrecy but he adores his brother and thinks he can do no wrong. DH doesn’t feel bad for his SIL.

The reason that DH and G met was to talk about our relationship problems and G confided in DH about this other stuff.

I said to DH that I feel bad for his SIL but then again maybe she’s doing it too? DH said he hadn’t seen her profile on the website (!!!). I didn’t react. So clearly DH has looked on there.

Now I’m thinking that, because we have had problems, especially with our sex life, G has probably encouraged DH to sign up and have his own adventures. When we were out today, I kept looking at attractive mothers and wondering if my DH is going to shag her via this website.

AIBU to think he’s going to cheat on me?

I should add that things are improving between me and DH but they’re still not great.

OP posts:

Original poster

ChocolateTeapot1975 · 01/09/2019 00:03

I don’t think he’s been cheating. He has been very adoring for years. Has no time to cheat. Is always at home. I’m 99% sure that he hasn’t cheated since we got engaged. Never say never but I feel confident in that.

OP posts:

Original poster

ChocolateTeapot1975 · 01/09/2019 00:04

Also, DH is horribly blunt. He told me before.

OP posts:

Sayhellotothethings · 01/09/2019 00:04

But his brother is making it normal and acceptable.

Sorry to be blunt but if my BIL suggested to DH that cheating was an ok thing, he would tell him to get fucked. If he wants to, he wants to, your BIL won't twist his hand in to it. Made evident by the fact he has done it before. Which is probably why he doesn't feel bad for your SIL.

Your self esteem sounds a bit low from the times he has hurt you before, OP. Don't make excuses for his crappy lack of loyalty.

lyralalala · 01/09/2019 00:05

DH really admires his brother. I do feel like G will have been saying go on join the website, it might actually improve your relationship with Choc and will keep the family together.

He doesn't need his brother to tell him that - you know he's already been on there due to the comment about G's wife

travellersglitch · 01/09/2019 00:07

A one night stand and several snogs with how many women but because you wanted children you let it slide? He might of calmed down but trust me there are things you won't know about and it sounds like he is thinking about other women again. So who knows what could happen in the future.

HennyPennyHorror · 01/09/2019 00:12

If he wants to cheat, he will cheat, regardless of what his DB is up to.

But his brother is making it normal and acceptable.

No he isn't....are you affected by his brother's behaviour? No...because you've got morals. Your real concern here is about your husband's dubious morals. That fear, which was always present has reared it's head again because his brother is close to home.

People cheat all the time....it doesn't make good people think "Ah well! That's ok then!"

It doesn't even make someone who'se likely to cheat MORE likely to cheat. If someone's going to cheat then they are.

You need to go to counselling with your husband,

MRex · 01/09/2019 00:12

He commented that SIL wasn't on there. That means he hasn't had a quick look, he has checked every profile. He is already cheating.

dontcallmeduck · 01/09/2019 00:13

Sorry to be blunt but if my BIL suggested to DH that cheating was an ok thing, he would tell him to get fucked.

This, exactly this!

Original poster

ChocolateTeapot1975 · 01/09/2019 00:13

He doesn't need his brother to tell him that - you know he's already been on there due to the comment about G's wife
I think DH looked at the website after his brother told him about it.
I almost looked to see if DH is on there which is quite telling.

OP posts:

Yeahsurewhatever · 01/09/2019 00:20

Bit concerned you're going to hang out with this poor woman. They should tell her, If they won't you don't need to become part of the lie too. How would you feel if it were the other way round.

Re your husband, just say - I'm feeling insecure because of X reasons.
If he doesn't reassure you properly and take time to make you feel secure in the relationship, you'll know where his priorities are.

lyralalala · 01/09/2019 00:20

I think DH looked at the website after his brother told him about it.

It would be convenient for him if you blamed his brother for everything...

It's also a pretty convenient excuse for him now if you do find the app or link to the app as he can just tell you he was just snooping on his brother.

I almost looked to see if DH is on there which is quite telling.

I think it's more telling that you didn't tbh. You probably know in your heart he's already on there.

Aria2015 · 01/09/2019 00:24

I think people can certainly be influenced by others. They say divorce is ’catching’, as in you may be more likely to divorce if you're in an unhappy relationship and a close friend divorces and appears happier for it. So I can see how the same could (possibly) apply to cheating. If your dh sees some of what his brother ’goes through’ in his marriage as similar to what he's ’going through’ and then his brother is saying that cheating on his wife is making him happier and improving his relationship then yes, I think he could influence your dh and there could be a risk he follows suit. I don't think it's right and it’s certainly no excuse, but I do think it could happen. I think you need to talk openly with your dh about your fears and make it clear what the consequences of him doing it would be.

MRex · 01/09/2019 00:28

@lyralalala speaks sense there; you didn't look because you don't want to see him.

gilliansgardenbench · 01/09/2019 00:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Graphista · 01/09/2019 01:35

"The cheating before we got married was a ONS with a stranger and some snogs with randoms."

"The last time he cheated on me was 12 years ago"

What you mean is that what he's told you! He's hardly shown himself to be honest open and trustworthy has he?!

"He said he told me so I’d stop digging though." So what's he hiding?!

"Even the counsellor was saying that it wasn’t fair for me to bring it up and be upset about it now because I married him anyway." Not all counsellors are good at the job! This ones clearly shit! You married him not knowing the full facts, he deceived you!

"Thats a surprising thing for a counsellor to say." Not really considering any fool can call themselves a counsellor! It's not a protected title and it's a completely unregulated industry.

I think it's extremely likely he's continued to cheat and you're none the wiser. He can tell you whatever he likes and you'll swallow it!

His "being adoring" is meaningless! And as for "he has no time" are you with him 24/7? My ex conducted his affair mainly in lunch breaks!

At the very least you need to be making an appointing at the sti clinic ASAP!

"I almost looked to see if DH is on there which is quite telling." Almost?! Why on earth haven't you? I'm guessing you're completely trusting on his phone and SM use too?

You seriously need to get therapy on your own and get your self esteem and low standards addressed.

Some choose to stay in a marriage and turn a cheek to cheating for lots of reasons, not something I could do but as an honest choice fair enough.

But THIS is not that, you're in denial but also miserable and unable to fully trust him (with good reason).

Quite honestly if any partner/husband of mine had raised a conversation like that I'd have responded along the lines of "well what's sauce for the Goose! That means I can have flings too!" Bet you anything he'd not be happy about that!!

And I also know couples that swing and have open relationships - again perfectly valid choice IF it's genuinely what they both want and they agree certain conditions and stick to those.

Again THIS is not THAT!

timeisnotaline · 01/09/2019 01:41

I’d have a conversation- ‘Darling, this update with your brother is bothering me. I am judging him for it. And I feel terrible for sil, and not sure how that will play out. But more importantly , I’m worried about you. You admire him, and don’t seem in the slightest disgusted or concerned for sil. Do you need to take a few days to decide if you’re in this marriage with me according to our promises made to each other? Because if you cheat our marriage won’t be better, it will be over. Finito, the end. That , and the fallout on our children, will be 100% your choice by choosing to break your vows.’

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