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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want a relationship with my in-laws while my DH does?

27 replies

GGxoxo · 31/08/2019 14:27

In-laws are very controlling and unreasonable and are like this with all their children and their spouses. Their fixed views that their 'children' need to do whatever they say as they are indebted to their parents, has created many issues in their childrens marriages. DH acknowledges his parents are very controlling and unreasonable but states they are his family, he loves them and will always have a relationship with them.

They have been disrespectful to me many times and are constantly trying to turn my husband against me. This has understandably caused issues because my husband wasn't standing up for me because he feared them. This affected my mental health greatly and had me in a bad place. My husband has since grown a bit of a spine but is still not fully there. We're in a situation where I want hardly anything to do with them, and I have agreed to only see them at family functions so a handful of times a year. DH continues his relationship and sees them often. This initially annoyed me, but providing his relationship with them doesn't affect our marriage or me, I accept it.

He is struggling to accept me not having a relationship with them, and wants me to attend more things with him. He states he would like me to do it 'for him'. AIBU to say no to these things, because being around them affects my mental health? Is it unreasonable for someone to not want a relationship with their in-laws?

Note, we do not have children at the moment and I have made it clear that when we do, they will only see his family when I am present because his parents cannot be trusted as they have proved with their other grandchildren. DH has agreed to this.

OP posts:

luckygreeneyes · 31/08/2019 14:29

I’d seriously think about whether this is a sustainable relationship for you before you even consider having children. He’s telling you quite clearly that his parents wishes are more important that your mental health

Pinkypurple35 · 31/08/2019 14:29

YANBU - you are still seeing them on a few occasions, if you go and they disrespect you it’s going to end up in an argument so I think it’s better to remain at a polite distance.

PanamaPattie · 31/08/2019 14:34

Let him crack on and see his family without you. Think long and hard before you have children with him. He is not totally on your side now and having children may weaken your bond. His parents will want to control your children and your DH might not be strong enough to stop them. Being really pessimistic - if you have DC and then split up, you wont be able to stop the in laws seeing them.

PrincessScarlett · 31/08/2019 14:35

Hi OP, I feel for you, I really do. You are not unreasonable to want to have low level contact with them.

However, you seriously need to think whether you truly love your DH unconditionally as you have an opportunity to get out now before you have children. If you have children and your DH doesn't have your back and doesn't confront his parents about their behaviour you are setting yourself (and any children) up for a lifetime of misery.

You say your mental health has already suffered. Think what it might do for any children.

Unfortunately your DH has spent his lifetime conditioned by his parents so it will be very hard trying to get him to see another way. It can be done but you may well find yourself facing battle after battle and years of upset which is why I say think seriously about your options now.

FredaFrogspawn · 31/08/2019 14:37

Are you thinking of having children with a man who you don’t trust to keep those children safe when he’s with his family?

sweeneytoddsrazor · 31/08/2019 14:39

It's your choice whether you see them or not but any future dc are a different matter and you really cannot stop your DH from taking the dc to see them if he so wishes.

AmIThough · 31/08/2019 14:44

If your children will only see his parents with you present, will you make more of an effort or deprive your children of a relationship with their grandparents?

I think YABU to be honest. You should sit down with them and have a conversation and set some boundaries. You're angry at DH for not respecting your wishes, but what about his?

Zakana · 31/08/2019 14:49

Just let him get in with it, regular poster here about the “outlaws” and in particular, the dreaded with of a MIL, if you have kids, it might be that she is like mine and isn’t too bothered anyway!

BeenHereForAges · 31/08/2019 14:54

You absolutely do not have to be around people who treat you like this. I'd do exactly the same. This may cause big trouble & stress for you if you decide to have children however. He may sneak them to see his parents without you or if you ever seperated he would take them around whenever he had contact. Think very carefully about any future decisions.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 31/08/2019 14:54

I don't think I'd have children in this relationship. He has to be on your side and it appears he's not. He can say that it's okay for your kids to only be around your parents when you are, but I imagine that'll go out the window pretty quickly when he realises you won't be increasing your visits to his parents, and he'll accuse you of trying to hinder a relationship between them and their grandparents.

Plus, he also agreed that you should only see them at limited events, and he's gone back on that...

In-laws are hard, but this doesn't sound sustainable.

TheBeesKnee · 31/08/2019 14:54

They've had a lifetime to train him, so I'm not surprised that he is how he is.

YANBU to want low contact with his family, but YABU to have DC with him when you know what they're like.

Are his parents very elderly?

ShippingNews · 31/08/2019 14:59

If you have children with him, you won't be able to stop him from taking them over to his parents place . To be honest, having kids would make him lean even closer to them , so be aware of the probability of that happening. To me it seems like an impossible situation - get out while you can.

elvis86 · 31/08/2019 14:59

What on earth makes you think he'll actually keep their grandchildren at a distance from them, if he won't stand up to them and just tell them to quit treating his partner like shit?

You'd be crazy to have a baby with him under these circumstances.

I couldn't be with a man who put his parents before me, if their behaviour forced that kind of choice.

TheWernethWife · 31/08/2019 14:59

AmI have you read OPs post where she says her in laws have interfered with their "children's marriages, been disrespectful to her and encouraged her DP to turn against her. How can he be so spineless, asking OP to "do it for him" - how bloody disgraceful it all is, OP you will never win this, he will not cut the apron strings, I haven't spoken to my in laws for years, she is a doormat and he is a buffoon.

TheWernethWife · 31/08/2019 15:02

My in laws I mean - not OP and her DP

Autumnintheair · 31/08/2019 15:16

Op it was going well until you said... He said I should go to more things for him.

Selfish, clearly has no understanding of what it feels like to be constantly undermined. He has no empathy and only sees things from his own pov.

I'm sorry but there is no way I would bring a child into this situation. Many people find things get worse.

Autumnintheair · 31/08/2019 15:21

Am I though.

Is sitting down and having a chat and a cuppa the answer to all life's ills

Are people who behave like ops in laws reasonable and rationale sounding people who will respond to a quick chat

And how would you expect the chat to go when it seems the flow of unpleasantness has been one way... And what if in laws are frosty or rude to op and her dh just sits there?

AmIThough · 31/08/2019 15:22

@Autumnintheair I don't know that all of the unpleasantness is one way and neither do you...

Autumnintheair · 31/08/2019 15:24

Well, I've read the op?
The dh admits they are controlling and unreasonable.

What do you make of that

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 31/08/2019 15:25

You respected his wish to see his own family, you set boundaries for yourself and he agreed to them. Now your husband wants you to change 'for him'. Where is his respect for you?

He will change his mind when it happens. He's already changed his mind about you only attending a few events. When you have children it will be a million times worse. His parents will want to see the children, they will want to see them without you, they will want to see the children with you, they will want to interfere with how you bring the children up. And your DH will not back you up.

Are you sure you want this to be your future?

DH acknowledges his parents are very controlling and unreasonable but states they are his family, he loves them and will always have a relationship with them.

Well, that is his choice for himself. But he goes on to pressure you into having more of a relationship with them than you want, then your best choice might be to end the marriage, and to end it before you have any children with him.

AmIThough · 31/08/2019 15:29

@Autumnintheair OP is hardly going to say she's unreasonable and controlling, or that she's given them very good reasons to dislike her, is she?

I have my opinion and you have yours. Let's agree to disagree

Autumnintheair · 31/08/2019 15:35

Op has explained they have caused issues in their other dc marriage. She has hinted at issues with them seeing the gc.

She has shown willing to try and get on with them and now she has withdrawn but still sees them yearly inspite of saying her mental health has suffered.

Op sounds very reasonable to me.

Op amaryllis has put things beautifully. I'd strongly consider having dc with him. It's hard enough with unpleasant, pushy in laws even if dh is on side...

SandyY2K · 31/08/2019 15:39

YABU to stay married to a man who won't back you up and expects you to see his parents more often, despite how they disrespect you.

I wouldn't even consider having children with a man like this.

The reality us you won't be able to control when his parents see the DC. He can take them over there when you're out. Or his parents could come to your house when you're out.

None of his siblings have been able to prevent the parental interfering and this won't change in your marriage when DC come along.

I might consider having kids if we emigrated to Australia though.

LadyRannaldini · 31/08/2019 15:46

they will only see his family when I am present

What makes you special? They will be 50% his children and if he wants to take his children to see his family then he is perfectly entitled to do so.
Just because you have a poor relationship with his parents doesn't mean that he has to, you're unreasonable to try and dictate his relationship with his parents. Would you accept him dictating your's with your family?

areyoubeingserviced · 31/08/2019 15:50

Op,
I have been in the same position as you.
Mother in Law was an awful woman and after spending many years trying to tolerate her, I eventually told my dh that I could not and would not see her on a regular basis. I said I would only see her at weddings parties etc. In our case we had dc who she could only see when I was present,
It wasn’t a decision that I took lightly, but it was beginning to affect my mental health.
At the beginning Dh would try to cajole me into visiting his mother despite acknowledging that she was an awful toxic person. I refused, but did not stop him visiting his own mother.
In your position, I would think twice about having children

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