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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU? I hope so

46 replies

Nimello · 30/08/2019 22:54

Have been here since it was all fields, but NC for this one (so it is not an "interesting first post").

Have been with DP for 4 years. He is 68 and has adult DC. I am 48 and mine are older teens. We don't live together because a) my DC were damaged by their abusive father and like living just with me; and b) DP doesn't want to play the Stepfather role. All of this is fine.

This evening, my DC were all occupied. So I told DP I could stay with him. He said he was exhausted after an awful night's non-sleep last night, and asked if I would mind if we just had dinner and then I went home.

I said, because I had no option, that this was fine. Inside, I was crying.

He is absolutely not needy or clingy, and is evidently completely secure in our relationship so doesn't need to snatch every single second together. I, evidently, am otherwise inclined. So I feel slighted, hurt, rejected, blah, blah. Why doesn't he want to spend the night cuddled up with me, when he has the opportunity to do so?

I need the power of MN to give my head a massive wobble and to tell me IABU for feeling hurt, rejected, etc. Please help!

OP posts:
SmellbowSpaceBowl · 30/08/2019 22:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ponoka7 · 30/08/2019 22:59

He wants a proper nights sleep, with little possibility of being disturbed and that's it.

I've felt the same way, it doesn't mean that I haven't cared about who I'm with. I won't ever live with anyone again and I've got used to mine own space.

There is going to be a difference in energy levels, as he approaches 70. Which you've got to appreciate.

Original poster
Nimello · 30/08/2019 22:59

Smellbow, thank you. I know IABU, really. And it's almost certainly coupled with other stuff. But it's very good to be reminded of this!

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 30/08/2019 22:59

Yab completely unreasonable. He's tired. That's allowed.

Original poster
Nimello · 30/08/2019 23:00

Ponoka7. This is what I'm trying to tell myself. Thank you. Keep it coming!

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 30/08/2019 23:01

Why doesn't he want to spend the night cuddled up with me, when he has the opportunity to do so?

Because he's nearly 70 and he's had an awful night's sleep.

It's easier to deal with at your age OP.

Original poster
Nimello · 30/08/2019 23:01

Arethereany Thank you. This is exactly what I need to hear. I know that IABU, but need back up as I don't feel it!

OP posts:
Original poster
Nimello · 30/08/2019 23:02

Likewise, Worra. Thank God for MN.

OP posts:
user1494670108 · 30/08/2019 23:03

I'm not so sure, how you feel is how you feel. It seems like a strong f reaction to me but clearly you'd have liked to cuddle and relax and he's put himself before that.
Not a reason to leave but certainly a warning sign to look out for I think

Original poster
Nimello · 30/08/2019 23:04

User, argh. He's also very selfish...

OP posts:
CherrySocks · 30/08/2019 23:05

He was very tired and maybe didn't want the pressure of having to be... energetic? Did you say you just want to cuddle?

Original poster
Nimello · 30/08/2019 23:08

Cherry, this is a good point. I did sort of hint that I was very tired (i.e. he wouldn't need to shag me senseless), at which point he said I had better go home and go to sleep. I felt hurt by this, though I need someone else to tell me that IABU and that he was just being a sensible, if slightly autistic (which he is) man!

OP posts:
user1473878824 · 30/08/2019 23:09

I agree with @WorraLiberty but also completely understand why you’re upset. Can you tell him tomorrow even if it’s an “I know I’m being silly but”?

SmellbowSpaceBowl · 30/08/2019 23:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Riv · 30/08/2019 23:13

I think it’s great that he is so honest with you and doesn’t feel a need to prove himself as a younger or less secure man might. He’s not slept well, he’s very tired, he just wants to enjoy your company. He’s 20 years older than you and, although 68 is certainly not old, things do slow down, sleep becomes more important and even though you remain physically very fit and active the body doesn’t recover quite as quickly as it does in your 40s (from observing my partner who is 66, and his similar aged friends)

Original poster
Nimello · 30/08/2019 23:17

Things to think about here...

User, he'd have no patience at all with me if I brought anything up. Part of the deal is that I don't bother him with any of this stuff. He'd just say he cba with it.

Smellbow, you have given me much food for thought. There is sort of more to it, in that DP is an immensely self-sufficient and private person. He has spent a long time doing things his own way (as a result of circumstance, not by choice). There is a carapace of self-sufficiency/selfishness as a result, combined with a discinclination to talk about anything that matters. I can see why: he was orphaned at a young age and was then sent to boarding school. His DW then died when their DC were young, so I can see how his way of viewing things might come about... I'm the first woman he has been involved with since his DW's death 10 years ago.

OP posts:
CherrySocks · 30/08/2019 23:18

Sometimes people are just very tired. You could take the view that it is a good thing that he feels he can be honest and just say that when he is exhausted.

Or, this could be an indication that the age gap is perhaps going to be an issue?

Original poster
Nimello · 30/08/2019 23:18

Riv, your post arrived in the time it took me to write mine. Thank you. This makes sense. Because he's so much like me in all ways, I sort of imagine everything is the same. But perhaps not. He does often refer to his age...

OP posts:
pigsDOfly · 30/08/2019 23:19

I'm a couple of years older than him OP and if, like me, he's lived without a live in partner for a number of years I imagine he really values his own space, which is one of the reasons, I would think, that he doesn't want to go down the step father route.

If he's very tired, he probably just wants to stretch out in his own bed and try to get the sleep that he didn't manage to get last night.

He hasn't said he doesn't want to see you at all, so he's not putting you off, so don't feel hurt or rejected.

He's probably just feeling a bit old and tired after his sleepless night and just wants to be in his own space on his own tonight.

SmellbowSpaceBowl · 30/08/2019 23:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Nimello · 30/08/2019 23:20

Cherry, this is what I need to hear. I need a resounding IABU!

OP posts:
pigsDOfly · 30/08/2019 23:22

I see from reading you last couple of posts OP, that I've cross posted with some of the things you've said.

I need to learn to type more quickly.

I'm also tired tonight.

Original poster
Nimello · 30/08/2019 23:23

Pigs, that is such a lovely and understanding message. Thank you. I completely understand his reluctance to go down the SF route (and it's better for my DC if he doesn't).

Smellbow, that is such an insightful and accurate comment. I may be tiny physically, but I take up an awful lot of emotional space. It's all the stranger as I retreated in my marriage so that I took up as little emotional space as possible...

OP posts:
SallyWD · 30/08/2019 23:23

I'd have done exactly the same as him. Sometimes you just need really good uninterrupted sleep. You have nothing to worry about.

Knitclubchatter · 30/08/2019 23:23

I’m 62 and when I want to sleep I want peace. No guilt of saying noooooo to a sex pest (my problem).