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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU? I hope so

46 replies

Nimello · 30/08/2019 22:54

Have been here since it was all fields, but NC for this one (so it is not an "interesting first post").

Have been with DP for 4 years. He is 68 and has adult DC. I am 48 and mine are older teens. We don't live together because a) my DC were damaged by their abusive father and like living just with me; and b) DP doesn't want to play the Stepfather role. All of this is fine.

This evening, my DC were all occupied. So I told DP I could stay with him. He said he was exhausted after an awful night's non-sleep last night, and asked if I would mind if we just had dinner and then I went home.

I said, because I had no option, that this was fine. Inside, I was crying.

He is absolutely not needy or clingy, and is evidently completely secure in our relationship so doesn't need to snatch every single second together. I, evidently, am otherwise inclined. So I feel slighted, hurt, rejected, blah, blah. Why doesn't he want to spend the night cuddled up with me, when he has the opportunity to do so?

I need the power of MN to give my head a massive wobble and to tell me IABU for feeling hurt, rejected, etc. Please help!

OP posts:

Original poster

Nimello · 30/08/2019 23:24

Seeing to the teenagers now, btw. But will be back!

OP posts:

areukiddingme · 30/08/2019 23:25

You are been unreasonable by changing your name and giving such specific information anyone whom remotely knows you will know it’s you.... my auto filled most of that in because the amount of you that do this is monumental.....

MyOtherLifeIsAFairytale · 30/08/2019 23:26

He was tiree. I totally get that. But he still wanted to at least have dinner with you. YABU :)

SmellbowSpaceBowl · 30/08/2019 23:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

dollydaydream114 · 30/08/2019 23:29

Honestly? Although it might not seem like it, when you get on well, there is a big gulf between 48 and 68. I suspect he is exhausted, assumes you will want to have sex, can’t face the pressure of potentially having to perform and, however much he loves you, isn’t someone who sees any value in ‘just cuddling up’ and would rather have his own space. He’s nearly 70 and set in his ways (the ‘not wanting to play stepdad’ is another indication of this) and compartmentalises his life to suit him.

Original poster

Nimello · 30/08/2019 23:29

Areyou, ok, but AIBU?

Thank you, Knit and Myother and Sally. That helps.

OP posts:

Bluntness100 · 30/08/2019 23:30

Op, the blokes tired and he's nearly seventy. What do you expect? I'm fairly sure at seventy you'll be similar.

Jemima232 · 30/08/2019 23:30

I get the feeling Nimello that you're having more and more moments in your combined lives where he doesn't give of himself emotionally.

I also get the feeling that despite your updates that you're glad others have said he just wants to sleep......there is still a doubt in your mind and a feeling of unease and sorrow.

If I'm wrong I apologise.

I would feel slighted, hurt, rejected just as you are describing in your OP.

Original poster

Nimello · 30/08/2019 23:32

Dolly cross posted with you too. I'm hoping that's the case. If he assumed I'd want to have sex, he might not be entirely wrong (I'd gladly shag him multiple times a day), but I'd also very gladly just cuddle him because I love him to bits. I realise part of this problem is his complete horror of talking about anything, and my concomitant reluctance to provoke him, hence my turning to the MN jury!

OP posts:

Original poster

Nimello · 30/08/2019 23:35

Jemima, thank you. I am a bit in two minds, hence hoping that the MN jury will convict me unilaterally of BU! I do feel unease and sorrow, but would like think that this is because I am BU, rather than because he is. If this makes sense. Must go to bed now because I am also exhausted as well as sad. But I will return tomorrow...

OP posts:

HypatiaCade · 30/08/2019 23:41

Hmm, in and of itself, not a big deal, but you hint at other things as well, including him being selfish and set in his ways. Do you think he looks at you more like a companion rather than a partner?

WotsitToU · 30/08/2019 23:46

I don't know how to say this nicely but... I think he's too old for you. You will probably keep clashing/have different needs because of the age difference. He doesn't seem like he's that bothered and you still want some aspect of romance. I don't think it's going to work out unless you're willing to become his caretaker while he gives you minimal emotional investment (hence why he doesn't want to be involved with your kids).

theunrivalledjoysofparenting · 30/08/2019 23:47

You can't be slightly autistic. You either are or you aren't. Do you think he is? Is he diagnosed?

Is he selfish? Are you happy in the relationship apart from this one scenario?

theunrivalledjoysofparenting · 30/08/2019 23:48

PS 20 years is a massive age difference, and will keep on getting bigger the older you get. How much do you love him??

VanGoghsDog · 30/08/2019 23:54

Hmmm.....my dp is 60 (I am 51) and he'd never pass up a chance for us to stay the night together no matter how tired he was.
But then, he's the needy one, not me. And we'd just go to bed early to shag and get some sleep.

I guess to an extent it depends how far apart you live too. We're about fifty mins drive apart. No way would I go that far for dinner and then come home. But, I might meet in the middle.

Funnily enough, his DW also died when his kids were young but while he is self-sufficient as a result, he's not detached. The opposite really.
I have no kids and his are adults, though one lives with him so we still have to snatch time now and then.

I understand why you feel hurt, I think I would too.

Jemima232 · 31/08/2019 15:58

How are things today, OP?

Have you spoken to your DP?

Ilikethisone · 31/08/2019 16:11

I'm not so sure, how you feel is how you feel. It seems like a strong f reaction to me but clearly you'd have liked to cuddle and relax and he's put himself before that.

And what wrong with that?

Theres absolutely nothing wrong with putting your wants first.

He was tired and wanted to sleep alone. At 37 I want that sometimes.

He has been clear in what he wants out of this relationship and what he is willing to give.

No one in a relationship has to be available and up for cuddling, because the other one finds they are now free.

Original poster

Nimello · 31/08/2019 18:11

Thank you for all your replies.

I saw DP today (we see one another most days - it's a five minute walk between houses), and he just acted as if nothing had happened. I suppose that is because in his eyes, nothing had happened. I said I could stay, and he said he would rather have a quiet night on his own. I suppose this is exactly why I need to be told that IABU!

VanGogh, it's interesting that your DP's wife also died. I think my DP was probably pretty self sufficient even before that. I did once say it must have been hard being a single dad to three young kids, and he just shrugged and said you get on with it.

Unrivalled, yes, I think he is. My DS2 is, so I know the signs. DP has old-fashioned views about 'syndromes', though, so no chance of him ever being diagnosed!

Wotsit, XH was 15 years older than me, though I don't think his age was a problem. Unrivalled, I have not been a great one for 'being in love' before, but I love DP very much.

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SirJamesTalbotAndHisSpeculum · 31/08/2019 18:52

Are you sleeping in his bed tonight, Nimello?

I have to say that he doesn't seem terribly interested in your emotional needs. And if that continues, do you see a future in the relationship?

Original poster

Nimello · 31/08/2019 21:15

SirJames (love the name), I am unfortunately hosting a birthday sleepover for one of my DC tonight, so no such luck!

Your second question is a good one. He tends to shrug off people's emotional needs (including his own), so no, he isn't very interested in mine. I would, of course, advise any friend to detach herself, but it's much harder when you're the one who loves someone.

OP posts:

SirJamesTalbotAndHisSpeculum · 31/08/2019 22:16

I would, of course, advise any friend to detach herself, but it's much harder when you're the one who loves someone

Well ain't that the truth, Nimello.

V. difficult indeed.

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