To have 'ruined the holiday'?

[serenitybyjan]

It's a milestone birthday next year for me so my family (mum, Dad, me, my partner, our 2 young children, my 2 sisters and their partners) have booked to go on a holiday in the UK for the whole week, including my actual birthday. On the day itself I've asked my closest and oldest friend and her husband to join us for the activity I'm wanting to do. She only lives 45 mins away and we live 4 hours apart normally. She's turning the same age as me the week before so we want to get together. One of my sisters has flown off the handle saying I'm being spoilt by wanting to spend my birthday how I want. My best friend isn't joining us for the whole holiday, just one afternoon but my sister is saying the holiday is ruined and she's not going to be joining us. It's already mostly paid for (split per couple and a bit more for us because of the children). AIBU?

WTAF?

Only on Mumsnet would you get posters defending the sister in this scenario!

Unless there's some huge beef between your sister and your best friend that you've ommitted to mention, there's absolutely zero justification for her throwing her toys out of the pram and pulling out of a week's holiday purely because you're meeting a friend for an afternoon.

To the poster who deemed that plans like this will always end in disaster - I feel sad for you. I've had loads of brilliant holidays for family and friends' birthdays etc. The problem likely lies with you if you find it impossible to enjoy such occasions without kicking off at someone!

Your sister is a dick. Tell her to fuck off and invite your friend for the week.

Only on Mumsnet would you get posters defending the sister in this scenario!

I tend to think it's a rare situation where a sister who you'd happily holiday with is an enormous arsehole for no reason. So yes, there's probably a back story.

Is she jealous of your relationship with your friend maybe?

There's no backstory. My family like my friend. My sister can be controlling and jealous. I'm not being a birthday-zilla. It's a week of chill time where people can do what they like. We don't have to move as a herd the whole time, right?! I didn't ask my mate to shit on anyone's holiday, I genuinely want her to be there to join in with celebrating. And there's absolutely no surprise planned, we generally don't do that kind of thing and they'd let on!

Also I'm sad about it because I love my sister and I don't want her upset, I want to get to the bottom of it.

serenitybyjan

Also I'm sad about it because I love my sister and I don't want her upset, I want to get to the bottom of it.

Hopefully you have enough time to be able to resolve this.

I don't know the dynamic of your family relationships and communication, but I would probably start from what you wrote above.

Maybe a card to your sis that says you love her, don't want her to be upset and you want to understand why she is feeling this way.

Do other family members understand or could they help resolve things?

She needs to grow up. She's the one spoiling the holiday. At least you have time to discuss it with her. Wait till she's calmed down then ask her why she's so upset.

Sounds like a lovely birthday bash. Apart from your sister. Bizarre that she’s kicked off like this. Hope you get to the bottom of what’s up with her.

Maybe a card to your sis that says you love her, don't want her to be upset and you want to understand why she is feeling this way.

Fuck that. Just ring her up and ask her what her problem is.

She's being hugely childish - whatever her issue is, why not say rather than throwing her toys out of the pram and dropping out of the holiday? That kind of behaviour wouldn't result in me sending her a bloody card!

Fuck that. Just ring her up and ask her what her problem is.

It entirely possible to be sensitive to somebody even if you believe them to be in the wrong.

Many rows and problems are exacerbated because one or both parties are more concerned with being right than with resolution.

Directness may be the right approach but it's not the only one.

Maybe this situation can't be resolved and the dsis's toys will remain out of the pram. But it's often worth thinking long term about family relationships.

Does your sister not like your friend? I think it is valid to say that someone else coming along does change the dynamic for everyone else; to be crass, just because you think someone is lovely/great company doesn’t mean your family will do. But for one afternoon while it’s your birthday, I’d have thought she could suck it up. Can you try to find out the root of the problem from your sister’s point of view?

This sounds to me like a bridezilla type birthday and sister has had enough.

How? Meeting up with a friend is over the top now? right

'Most people would be annoyed at extra people being invited without even mentioning it first.'

I certainly wouldn't be - unless I was expected to take the full responsibility for entertaining/ cooking for/ paying for them, which doesn't seem to be the case. And it is being mentioned in advance; not a sudden surprise. The friend is not being invited to stay all week; just one afternoon.Unless the sister dislikes the friend, or perhaps has serious social anxiety and finds it hard to cope with visitors, I don't understand why this is such an issue.

Your sister is being really weird. Of course YANBU.

Do you think she's jealous? Or does she dislike this friend for some reason? I'm clutching at straws here trying to figure out why she's acting so crazy...

It entirely possible to be sensitive to somebody even if you believe them to be in the wrong.

Many rows and problems are exacerbated because one or both parties are more concerned with being right than with resolution.

Directness may be the right approach but it's not the only one.

Maybe this situation can't be resolved and the dsis's toys will remain out of the pram. But it's often worth thinking long term about family relationships.

Sorry but if there's a general theme here it's people being annoyed by something, but doing precisely nothing about it until a later date when it suddenly becomes a pressing issue.

I haven't got time for shit like this. If someone was being funny with me and it was obviously deliberate behaviour being triggered by something, I'd just ask what their problem was.

Similarly if I had beef with someone I'd just tell them, rather than making it totally obvious through my shitty behaviour towards them.

If, as you say, there is no backstory then it sounds as though your sister is the one spoiling the holiday.

I guess there is time to sort it. It is a year away for now. If she won't sort it out and continues to be a drama queen then I would just let her enjoy her flounce.

Sorry but if there's a general theme here it's people being annoyed by something, but doing precisely nothing about it until a later date when it suddenly becomes a pressing issue.

That's not what I advocated at all.

I'm saying you can open the discussion in a variety of ways particularly as there is plenty of time before the holiday. So OP could take action immediately but it doesn't have to be confrontational.