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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I KNOW IABU, please give me a kick up the arse

31 replies

OnceUponAMidnightBeery · 30/08/2019 18:48

Long story short: lost mum 4 years ago, due to complications haven't been able to sell her house yet.

Now a family member has moved in, they intend to buy it, no problems there, but they are making changes before they actually own it.

I don't know why but it really bothers me. I know it's ridiculous but I'd have preferred it sold to strangers, rather than them acting like they own it while in my mind it's still mums.

IABU, I know it, they're totally trustworthy, but... still bugs me.

So please MN, kick my arse into touch.

OP posts:
DaphneFanshaw · 30/08/2019 18:59

I won't kick you, you can have a hug, wine or both?

saffy1234 · 30/08/2019 19:03

I dont even think you are BU
but im here for a hug OP x

ThatssomebadhatHarry · 30/08/2019 19:05

Why have they moved in before the sale? If they injure themselves while doing the work the current owners will be liable.
They could damage the property and change their mind about the sale.
They could decide to live there free and need to be eventually evicted.

It’s madness to let anyone who intends to buy live there free until they do own it.

Mumsymumphy · 30/08/2019 19:05

No you are not BU but here is a very friendly arse kick.

You obviously will have an emotional attachment to the house - but at the end of the day it's just bricks and mortar.

It's inevitable someone else is going to end up living in the house, I can understand you preferring a stranger moving in so you could 'distance' yourself from the house. Having a family move in will, in a way, prevent you from doing this. All understandable but you must wish them well and move on. The feeling you have at the moment will pass in time.

Cherish the happy memories of your mum in the house.

ThatssomebadhatHarry · 30/08/2019 19:05

“Totally trustworthy” no such animal.

Choice4567 · 30/08/2019 19:07

FlowersWineFlowers

Original poster
OnceUponAMidnightBeery · 30/08/2019 19:08

@DaphneFanshaw thank you so much, both would be great, especially the hug.

I just can't understand why it bothers me so much. It's so silly.

OP posts:
mbosnz · 30/08/2019 19:08

Nope, sorry, I refuse to give you a kick up the arse.

I'll join with the others in giving you Flowers and Wine.

Bobbiepin · 30/08/2019 19:09

YANBU but your memories of your mum are in the special times you had together and even photos you have, not in the house. It harder knowing the person living there and going round to something different, but get the ball rolling with payment and official ownership Flowers

HolyMilkBoobiesBatman · 30/08/2019 19:09

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable either.
I imagine it feels like that person has moved on when you haven’t been able to due to not legally being able to sell the property yet?
It will be theirs but it’s not official yet so of course it still feels like your Mums.

So no, YANBU but it’s probably best to just make peace with this, it’s inevitable unfortunately.
Flowers

Alsohuman · 30/08/2019 19:13

I’m not going to kick your arse. I completely get it. The only way I could bear to part with my parents’ house was to refurbish it so it was completely unrecognisable. 💐

MaximusHeadroom · 30/08/2019 19:17

As someone who lost the plot when my aunt suggested throwing a disgusting work jacket of my dad's, I totally understand Grin

YANBU to be emotional about her house. But I would be so wary about them moving in before they have purchased it. Money matters makes the most reasonable people behave badly

Wine in the meantime!

Hysteriawhenyourenear · 30/08/2019 19:18

No kick here either, just hugs. We attatch such emotion to the houses and belongings of loved ones as when they are gone they are the only tangible things we have to hold on to. Remember them as they stay in your heart and memories forever. Sorry for your loss xx

Furiosa · 30/08/2019 19:19

Who's name is the house in now op?

definitelyshouldknowbetter · 30/08/2019 19:20

Totally not being unreasonable! Not in the sane league but I got pissed off when I moved out my childhood home and then every time I visited my sister was sat in my chair, now that’s unreasonableGrinBlush

brookelopez · 30/08/2019 19:21

I'd feel the same. A stranger moving in would be easier for you to 'move on' so to speak. hugs.

Original poster
OnceUponAMidnightBeery · 30/08/2019 19:24

@saffy1234 @choice4567 @mbosnz thank you. It is very much appreciated. OH (very kindly) thinks I'm being a complete nutter, and logically I know that.

But...

@Mumsymumphy yes, I know you're right. And thank you for the friendly arse kick, it too helps.

OP posts:
GeorgiaGirl52 · 30/08/2019 19:39

My parents' house was next door to mine. When I sold it, the new owners repainted and remodeled (as was their right) and then invited me in to see it. I politely refused. It has been 10 years and I have not been in the house. They are good neighbors, we chat in the yard and I take in packages and bring them to the door, but -- as long as I don't SEE what they have changed I can REMEMBER the house exactly as my parents left it.

2018SoFarSoGreat · 30/08/2019 19:51

Oh OP you do need a hug - perhaps even a group hug. It will make it harder to cope with having to go back and see it being someone else's house now. If you sold to a stranger you wouldn't have to do that.

Sending you some Wine and Flowers

Chunkers · 30/08/2019 19:54

they're totally trustworthy - famous last words...

I know you are more upset about it being your Mums house, 💐 but for your own peace of mind, please run this situation past your solicitor. Until the cash has changed hands, they shouldn’t be making any alterations (or living there rent free - less incentive to hurry up with the sale). Hope it all works out though.

Crochetymum · 30/08/2019 19:56

I get you, I spent a lot of time living at my nan and grandads growing up when my mum was unreliable or had a new man. When they died and someone else bought the house it broke my heart, I hated seeing the skip the new people had on the front that they chucked my nans carpet and old furniture in, refused to drive past it for ages, now when I do I always complain, 'pff my nan would have never had those tacky net curtains', 'look at all that shit in the window, common' etc etc, I hate that they're not there anymore and someone else dares to live there! So no kick up the bum from me, I feel your pain, memories are made in houses and it will be forever your mum's house in your eyes. Xx

Original poster
OnceUponAMidnightBeery · 30/08/2019 20:00

Wow this is moving on so fast. Thank you all for your comments, your kindness and lack of judgement has me in tears. Thank you all for your viewpoints.

I do trust them, as their mum would step in if they defaulted. I do understand @thatssomebadhatharry that it does look dodgy, and I have been a bit naïve. I'll look to tightening the agreement up.

You have all been so lovely, I was expecting to get my arse handed to me on a platter. Thank you all.

OP posts:
Bluetrews25 · 30/08/2019 20:08

Any solicitor worth their salt would say that they couldn't even move in before the sale is complete.
Doing work in there now? Nope, not on, it's not theirs yet!
It's pretty sad to see the house you visited a lot and had an attachment to be ripped apart. Better if you don't see it during the transition, and only visit if you really want to AFTER the sale and AFTER all renovations are complete.
Hope the sale goes through!
It's hard going through all this. Been there. It will pass, and YANBU.
Hug from me, too.

Original poster
OnceUponAMidnightBeery · 30/08/2019 20:15

@Alsohuman I wish I had done that tbh, totally understand your viewpoint.

Property is still in mums name, complicated will that won't be completed till after the sale of assets, including house.

Thank you all again, DH is very logical and really doesn't get why I'm being so daft. Xx to you all who've gone through similar situations, and ty for sharing

OP posts:
lifecouldbeadream · 30/08/2019 20:25

YANBU. It’s one of the reasons we didn’t buy our family home when my Mum died. I wouldn’t have been able to change things because I’d have found it hard, and for fear of upsetting my dad. The people it was sold to have made lots of changes, so now it’s no longer the same. It needed to happen. But it still makes me sad. Flowers for you. X

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