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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Supporting my sister's wedding (wasn't supportive at mine)

44 replies

Banana123456 · 30/08/2019 18:39

I got married a year ago and my sister didn't seem very interested. She attended one dress shopping appointment (of about ten, arranged a month (or more) in advance). When I asked her opinion on suppliers she didn't offer much and basically said it's up to me.

After I said to another family member I was disappointed my sister didn't want to be more involved or help, they told me she was jealous and had told them she wished she was getting married.

On my wedding day, she was a bridesmaid (my parents didn't give me a choice) and did nothing. She looked glum in all the photos of the day, she kept out of the way with her boyfriend and I barely saw her (we had a fairly small wedding). She left it to my other bridesmaid to do everything. Ever since I've just felt really disappointed by her behaviour.

Now she's getting married and is expecting me to be involved, excited and to come to loads of events with her (she didn't come to any venues or fairs etc with me). I feel a bit annoyed as she really wasnt there for me or supportive. I've been told I'm a bridesmaid (she didn't ask me, but I really don't want to be).

AIBU to not want to be too involved? She's difficult to talk to as she just gets upset if I say anything 'bad' and then won't talk to me.

OP posts:

C0untDucku1a · 30/08/2019 18:41

Just copy her behaviour. Thats all she expects is normal.

Time4change2018 · 30/08/2019 18:42

Don't say anything 'bad' then just say no. Be busy and ensure you railroaded into things. Keep it calm, she's forgotten how jealous and rude she was. No need to beg the same, just say no to being a bridesmaid and keeping out if her way, while she gets wedding organised.

WorraLiberty · 30/08/2019 18:43

Don't be a bridesmaid and stop letting people tell you what to do.

That way you can give her as much or as little input as you want.

chucke · 30/08/2019 18:45

10 dress shopping appointments

ThatssomebadhatHarry · 30/08/2019 18:45

Personally I’d tell her it’s difficult for you and outline the reasons you stated here. I can’t imagine she will say I’m sorry you are right let’s move past this though. So really it’s up to you if you decide to avoid the fall out and just play along to keep the peace.

Aquamarine1029 · 30/08/2019 18:49

Don't be a bridesmaid, don't be involved and let your sister and parents have a tantrum if they want to. I wouldn't have any part of it.

Elbels · 30/08/2019 18:49

Was your wedding one of the first she'd been a 'part' of?

I've just got engaged and I can imagine my sister being similar (she hasn't asked any questions about it etc) but she equally has only been to one wedding and hasn't been a member of the wedding party. I know my support for first friends to get married was very different to the ones who got married later as I had a much better understanding of what was expected and how to help. So it might just be that she wasn't sure what her contribution was or how she was expected to get involved whereas now she has a template for that?

ViaSacra · 30/08/2019 18:50

You had 10 dress shopping appointments! And expected family/friends to come along?

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 30/08/2019 18:51

I would just be busy if she asks.

But to be fair if someone had wanted me to attend 10 dress shopping appointments I think I would have become fairly disinterested as well, sorry. I think expecting anyone else to be excited about something that doeant affect them is a bit much. But that doesn't excuse her being a hypocrite

CaptureCastles · 30/08/2019 18:53

Depends how much you love her and how much your relationship means to you?

You wouldn't be unreasonable to be as distant as she was, but grudges start this way and I've seen first hand how grudges tear a family apart. It's ugly. I'd see it as an opportunity to step up and be a better person than she was - but don't bend over backwards!

Sexnotgender · 30/08/2019 18:53

I can’t get past 10 dress shopping appointments! I’d have been making excuses too.

KarmaStar · 30/08/2019 18:53

Hi op,
I can understand why you feel aggrieved at her her behaviour she was immature and selfish.
What happens now though depends on whether you feel you can overcome your feelings towards her.
On one hand,you could be the bigger person and help her with her plans,or you can decide to hold onto your resentment and refuse.
Do you think you will want a relationship with her in the coming years?
It is unfair that you are the one who might be seen in a bad light for not agreeing to all her plans.
Could you attend one of two events to keep the peace and tell her that you really don't want to be a bridesmaid?by going to an event of two she can't accuse you of being the problem maker.
Perhaps once you join in you may find yourself softening towards her and she might realise what a cow she was to you and apologise.You don't say how old you both are so not to know if she was just immature or,as you suggested,moody and jealous.
I hope it all works out anyway.best of luck.

SilverySurfer · 30/08/2019 18:54

WTF? I'm not surprised she didn't attend ten dress appointments - who in their sane mind would? If you don't want to be a bridesmaid or get involved with the planning just say no thanks.

AwkwardSquad · 30/08/2019 18:55

I understand your disappointment, but this seems like an opportunity to rebuild your relationship, if you could let go of the desire to punish her for her previous behaviour, and take a more kindly view of her behaviour now. She wants you to be part of her wedding. Maybe it’s at least in part her way of trying to rebuild bridges?

Yoohoo16 · 30/08/2019 18:56

My sister was the same when I got married a few years ago.
She was unlucky in love and wanted to settle down.
She’s now getting married and I show no interest, just like she done with me.

cocodash · 30/08/2019 18:58

As someone who got married last year, I for one could not be fucked going to ten dress appointments as the bride never mind a bridesmaid

honeyloops · 30/08/2019 19:00

Hmmm. I think if she couldn't be bothered with yours I'd make polite excuses why you can't go to things planning hers - BUT. TEN dress shopping appointments? That's a huge chunk of time you were expecting her to give up.

And on the day, when you say she didn't 'do anything' and that the other bridesmaid had to - what do you mean? In my head, a bridesmaid walks down the aisle and has a couple of photos, that's it - don't really see what duties she was neglecting.

You do sound a bit like you expected your wedding to be the centre of the world and were a bit put out when it wasn't - and maybe now she wants to be the centre of the world, too? Of course, given her lack of interest in your wedding, you've got no obligation to do so.

Notnownotneverever · 30/08/2019 19:01

Gosh, everyone is out for themselves today aren’t they!

Grow up and be a mature sister and help her, show the interest you wish she had shown in your wedding. Take the high road and be a good person. It’s only a wedding.

Topsecretidentity · 30/08/2019 19:02

This happened to me so I understand the temptation to treat your sister the same way she treated you. But it's not tit for tat. If she otherwise is a good sister and you're close then it's not worth the damage to your relationship that repaying her lack of interest with the same will cause. I don't regret being a good bridesmaid for my sister despite her crappiness for my wedding because that's not the kind of person I am. Besides, alhough I was raging at the time, her behaviour before and at my wedding isn't something I think about much anymore. She's proved in other ways since, time and time again that she's a good sister. Being a considerate bridesmaid just wasn't her forte.

But my advice depends on how close you otherwise are, and whether she's a bridezilla or not.

honeyloops · 30/08/2019 19:02

Oh and just spotted the other things - not offering potential suppliers or 'being involved or helping'... I think organising a wedding is your own job, I'm afraid! Sounds like you were a bit of a princess - at the end of the day, you're throwing a big old party about yourself. Nobody is going to care as much as you, and YWBU to expect her to. Therefore in the same vein, don't feel you have to get super involved in her planning!

Topsecretidentity · 30/08/2019 19:12

And at least your sister came to a dress appointment 🤣 mine was too busy on the day to come to any of the 2 appointments I had booked- I had to go on my own to both. And she arrived at the bridal accomodation at 11pm the night before the wedding even though I had a day and evening of activities planned which she had said she was coming to. When I asked her where she'd been she had apparantly booked a last minute holiday to fly out the night of wedding so needed to do "emergency" holiday outfit shopping (and had to leave the wedding early). On the day of the wedding she was never anywhere to be found so I had to leave my things with my husband's best man. ... not that I'm still bitter 😅😭

IfThisWasOurHouse · 30/08/2019 19:14

I dont think OP was expecting her DS to attend 10 dress appointments. I think she was saying DS had 10 opportunities to attend rather than she was DS at every single one

Humberbear · 30/08/2019 19:14

10 appointments is far too many. Suppliers is something you and your husband should of been doing together. She probably wouldn't of had a clue. It sounds like she didn't even want to be a bridesmaid just like you don't. Was it something your parents had decided and told her she had to be? Bridesmaids don't really do much at a wedding, all mine did was follow me down the aisle and had photos taken.

RosaWaiting · 30/08/2019 19:24

she didn't ask you to be bridesmaid?

Are your parents dictating the whole show?

if so, why don't the two of you get together and say "no"?!

hazell42 · 30/08/2019 19:36

No one cares about your wedding but you. You didn't need support
Neither does she
Wear the dress, smile in the pictures.
Job done

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