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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Supporting my sister's wedding (wasn't supportive at mine)

44 replies

Banana123456 · 30/08/2019 18:39

I got married a year ago and my sister didn't seem very interested. She attended one dress shopping appointment (of about ten, arranged a month (or more) in advance). When I asked her opinion on suppliers she didn't offer much and basically said it's up to me.

After I said to another family member I was disappointed my sister didn't want to be more involved or help, they told me she was jealous and had told them she wished she was getting married.

On my wedding day, she was a bridesmaid (my parents didn't give me a choice) and did nothing. She looked glum in all the photos of the day, she kept out of the way with her boyfriend and I barely saw her (we had a fairly small wedding). She left it to my other bridesmaid to do everything. Ever since I've just felt really disappointed by her behaviour.

Now she's getting married and is expecting me to be involved, excited and to come to loads of events with her (she didn't come to any venues or fairs etc with me). I feel a bit annoyed as she really wasnt there for me or supportive. I've been told I'm a bridesmaid (she didn't ask me, but I really don't want to be).

AIBU to not want to be too involved? She's difficult to talk to as she just gets upset if I say anything 'bad' and then won't talk to me.

OP posts:

Longdistance · 30/08/2019 19:37

My bf was like this. I was so cross. Although, I didn’t have 10 wedding dress shop appointments/shops, I only went to 3 with my dm.
My df is usually great at this stuff, and helps others, but by god she was hideous. The hen was dictated by her misery. Another df helped organise it, I booked the trip away as she was so not interested. It’s not like she’s incapable.
She wanted her bf to come along to the hen.
Was awkward about the bridesmaids appointment and on the day of the wedding her bf decided he needed a new shirt 🙄
She was next to useless with helping through the day. Still makes me cross 😡

leomama81 · 30/08/2019 19:40

No need to put much into hers OP if you don't want to but I agree you expected a bit much of her. Only a couple of my bridesmaids came to one of my dress appointments. And how would she be able to offer much re wedding suppliers when she hadn't been married?

Allmyarseandpeggymartin · 30/08/2019 19:42

So much passive aggressiveness!

Just have it out with her and tell her how you feel.

Or announce your pregnancy

Original poster

Banana123456 · 30/08/2019 19:44

Just to clarify as I cant edit the post, no, I didn't expect her to attend every single dress shopping appointment. I told her the date and time and left it to her. But it would have been nice if she'd attended more than one tbh. She's expecting me to attend all of hers.

On the planning and suppliers, I did do this myself, but when I was stuck between, for example, two suppliers and asked my sister which she thought was better, she didn't offer an opinion. I don't think asking an opinion is too much to ask?

Thanks to the individuals who offered actual advice, it's appreciated.

OP posts:

reginafelangee · 30/08/2019 19:45

10 dress shopping appointments

Crikey

Grumpelstilskin · 30/08/2019 19:49

I'd be the same with her.

RosaWaiting · 30/08/2019 19:52

“I don't think asking an opinion is too much to ask?”

She may not have had an opinion. Also, finally it’s up to you, and she might not want to feel any responsibility if she offers an opinion.

And is she expecting you to attend all her dress appointments- or has someone else told you that?

HeffaLump1 · 30/08/2019 19:56

You say she is expecting you to be involved - so she must have talked about things with you. Are you responding or is she picking up your lack of interest?
Do you think she realises you arent as into it as her?

flowery · 30/08/2019 19:56

You’ve been “told” you’re a bridesmaid? How does that work then? If someone other than her has told you that, you just say “no I don’t think so, Jane hasn’t asked me to be and I’m fine with that.”

And how does it work the other way round? If your parents are dictating which bridesmaids to have, I’m assuming that is because they were paying for the wedding, in which case you should have paid for it yourself.

Mouikey · 30/08/2019 19:56

Options:

Say no to being a bridesmaid.
Say yes to being a bridesmaid and be the bigger person, being involved and helpful etc.
Say yes to being a bridesmaid on proviso that you can behave in the same way that she behaved with you last year (I.e. tell her upfront what she will expect).

Personally I would go for option 3, but I’m an only child so wouldn’t be in this position!!!

SachaStark · 30/08/2019 19:59

When I got married, if I needed opinions on suppliers... I asked the groom. ‘Cause, you know, HIS wedding, too. Not the bridesmaids’ wedding, why should they need to give opinions?

Although, to be fair, it was usually DH asking me for the opinions, since he did way more wedding planning than me

Original poster

Banana123456 · 30/08/2019 20:01

My sister told me she's having me as a bridesmaid. She didn't ask me.

Wow, my husband and I paid for our wedding ourselves, thanks.

OP posts:

flowery · 30/08/2019 20:21

”Wow, my husband and I paid for our wedding ourselves, thanks.”

How utterly bizarre to let your parents dictate things to you then!

areyoubeingserviced · 30/08/2019 22:36

Op, I love my sister and we are extremely close, but she did exactly the same thing your sister did.She was my chief bridesmaid
However, she didn’t attend any dress fittings , didn’t help with organising , didn’t spend the night before my wedding in the hotel with me. In fact , she didn’t show any interest in my wedding. I was really hurt and upset
Three years later, she was married and tbh honest, I didn’t help as much as I could have. I could see that she was upset with me, but she couldn’t say a damn thing as she hadn’t helped me with my own wedding .I honestly felt that she needed to have a taste of her own medicine.

ThatssomebadhatHarry · 31/08/2019 11:49

I don’t think 10 is all that many if you mean visiting 10 shops for both brides dresses and bridesmaids. Assuming that for the bridal shops you have to book a slot so couldn’t do them all on one afternoon.

I had 2 for bridesmaids, in local town then nearest city to look around, then meet-up to discuss over drinks and finalise their choice, then one more to do fitting and another to choose accessories. They got to choose and different body shapes etc. This doesn’t include shopping for my dress and I only went to two bridal shops but there were various fittings shoes etc. I didn’t expect everyone to go to everything but I needed to take my time as I hate shopping so make rushed decisions to get it over with.

elvis86 · 31/08/2019 12:04

I think the OP is getting a hard time by the anti-wedding bridge who are out in force. Most brides would expect bridesmaids to be interested and excited during the run-up, and to be helping with anything that needed doing on the day. It's not just about wearing a dress and posing for photos.

I don't think you should make active efforts to be disinterested in her wedding just to make some kind of point. Who has time for that bollocks?

If you are close and interested, then be the bigger person and enjoy the planning and the day. You really should have had a conversation with her about how you felt she behaves around your wedding. I don't know why people just leave these things to fester. If you feel you need to have that chat now, then I'd frame it in a way that says you're excited to be part of planning her big day, but that you regret that she wasn't more involved in yours?

If you aren't that close to her and you aren't really interested in her wedding, I'd just tell her. Ask if she really wants you as a BM, because it feels a bit weird given that there are people she's closer to and given that you won't be that involved in the planning etc.

It sounds like you're not that close as sisters, and probably she shouldn't have been your bridesmaid and you shouldn't be hers. You should have each had friends who you're actually close to.

Oh and by the time I was in a position to be planning a wedding, I was no longer taking orders from my parents. WTF is all that about?!

StarlingsInSummer · 31/08/2019 12:13

Jeez, whenever I read these kind of threads, it makes me so glad we eloped.

InterestingView · 31/08/2019 12:43

why would you need 10 dress shopping appointments?!

CJSmith2019 · 31/08/2019 13:18

Is she very spoilt in general? I noticed that you said it would be difficult to say something because of how she would react. I guess you can decide to be the bigger person and help out. Or not. No harm to take out your wedding photos and remind her subtly of how she behaved . If you go ahead and be her BM, I certainly wouldn't be attending all her appointments for a start. Again remind her she attended none of yours.

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