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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Was she being unreasonable saying this to my ds?

33 replies

PooGates · 30/08/2019 18:31

ds’ started school this week lovely little village school head come out to greet them all fab. Ds has a nasty scar on his forehead from bad accident couple years ago we’ve been having scar therapy treatment for it so it’s less noticeable than it was.
Head comes over to meet him asks his name he replied I’m xxx she said you should be called Harry with that big scar like Harry Potter.
I didn’t say anything just changed the subject but I told my horrified family they couldn’t believe the head with say such a thing.
I can be overly sensitive about his scar because it was such a traumatic time but I don’t think she was being mean just thoughtless I don’t know was it nasty?! Was she unreasonable?

OP posts:

ScreamingValenta · 30/08/2019 18:33

YANBU. What a thoughtless comment!

Sexnotgender · 30/08/2019 18:33

I probably wouldn’t mention something like that to someone but she probably didn’t mean any harm.

My daughter is covered in massive scars front and back from various operations, someone asked her in church if she’d been stabbed

SummerHouse · 30/08/2019 18:39

I think she was trying to make it cool and make it not taboo. In a class of 4 / 5 year olds it's going to be mentioned. This takes control of it. I think most importantly, how did he feel about the encounter? Did he mind?

FlossieTeacakesFurCoat18 · 30/08/2019 18:41

I think she was trying to be nice, likening him to Harry Potter is a compliment to a small child! It's still stupid of her though

moreismore · 30/08/2019 18:41

I agree she was pre empting any awkwardness and giving him a way to respond to inevitable questions from classmates

RedHelenB · 30/08/2019 18:43

I think this was said to make him feel positive about his scar and yabu.

cardamoncoffee · 30/08/2019 18:49

One of my dc has a prominent facial scar and we have attended charities that deal with this. Harry Potter was often used to normalize facial scars and became a way that was encouraged for children to explain their scars to other children. It may well be that this HT has some experience with this and feels she is doing the right thing (although I feel she shouldn't have said anything).

Dandelion1993 · 30/08/2019 18:50

My DD started school last year and the head was probably trying to just make him think its cool.

Could it be the heightened emotions of starting school making it seem worse.

Bananashake · 30/08/2019 18:52

I have a scar on my forehead from a nasty accident as a child. I have never felt embarrassed about it when I was a child I was proud of it, I told everyone I met about how I got my scar. And as an adult I don't feel like it in any way detracts from my looks (very average) and don't mind in the least bit if someone mentions it. I think this is the positive way to handle it make it not taboo just how it is.

ladybee28 · 30/08/2019 19:00

She sounds great.

Being straight, no-shame, and friendly about something that's now a part of his life story.

You sound great, too – totally understandable that you're sensitive about it, and lovely that you've got his back so much.

I'm left thinking what a lucky kid you have that he has a mother who understands that the scar means so much, and a headteacher who understands that it ALSO means nothing at all.

Means he has all his emotional bases covered, no matter how he feels about it one day vs another.

Mrsboombastic99 · 30/08/2019 19:04

My niece has a large scar on her forehead from an accident when she was a toddler and people have said the same to her :( it's not nice to make someone feel self conscious.

SavoyCabbage · 30/08/2019 19:07

Why would a four year old have read Harry Potter? Or watched it.

She shouldn’t be commenting on his appearance anyway. Beyond ‘ohhh, I like your new school shoes’ or something along those lines.

AllFourOfThem · 30/08/2019 19:09

I agree she was pre empting any awkwardness and giving him a way to respond to inevitable questions from classmates.

I agree with this but I can understand why you feel sensitive about it.

Polydactyly · 30/08/2019 19:10

In a clumsy way she was probably trying to point out a popular character who also has a scar as a way of making him be more confident about it.
Not entirely thought out by herself but speaking as someone who has a feature like this on my face, people will comment on it whether it’s mean or not. In my experience, most often it will be mean. He needs to learn to hear that stuff and be confident about it despite what others say to him.

Original poster

PooGates · 30/08/2019 19:10

ladybee that made me well up bless you.
I’m happy to think that this was her way of normalising it for him and trying to reclaim it. I’d not even considered that and I’m happy that that was probably the case in this instance it seemed to come from a good place and she’s such a nice lady that it makes sense for this to be the case.
Thank you all :)

OP posts:

EmeraldShamrock · 30/08/2019 19:10

It was a thoughtless thing to say from an adult.
If a child asked about it I would understand.
It is a pity you didn't say maybe we should you Dobby the house elf.

Sparklypurpleunicornsaremyfav · 30/08/2019 19:11

My now 14yro son had an accident when he was three resulting in a scar on his forehead, he also wears glasses, he's always been compared to Harry Potter, never bothered him and didn't do him any harm think he used to quite like it, made him feel special... Not so much these days as a 'cool' teenager 😂 I wouldn't worry, was probably just trying to put him at ease

EmeraldShamrock · 30/08/2019 19:14

Ok maybe ot Dobby, I was being defensive as DS has a large furry brown birthmark on his jawline.
I am preparing myself for the jeers.

EmeraldShamrock · 30/08/2019 19:14

*not

MoMandaS · 30/08/2019 19:15

Lovely post, ladybee.

viques · 30/08/2019 19:24

In retrospect I think this is something you should have raised at his settling in day/admission meeting. You could have told her how it happened, that he was anxious about it, told her how you deal with it and asked for that information to be passed to all members of staff. Just pretending it doesn't exist is not helping him to deal with casual remarks he might get about it .

billy1966 · 30/08/2019 19:44

I can so imagine your horror but in retrospect it would be good to prepare him for the possibility of questions.

One of my children had a bizarre, unexpected accident which resulted in 25 stitches across the forehead above the eyebrow. Plastic's fellow did a superb job but I was devastated at the scar. We were told, once the scar had healed, to rub it every single night with any oil, at least 20 times, back and forth. This brought blood to the area and would aid healing.

I did it every other night and it has made the most incredible difference. Considering how flipping large it was, it is now barely noticeable. Well worth trying.

Original poster

PooGates · 30/08/2019 19:45

Thanks billy 🙏 luckily I’ve been using silicon cream daily which the scar therapist has said the rubbing (maybe more so than the cream) has massively helped

OP posts:

katesalwayslate · 31/08/2019 07:00

She meant well - she was likening his scar to Harry Potter’s! Most kids would have found that cool or been proud of their scar after a comment like that. YABU. You should be trying to cheer him up about his scar like this too and not being over sensitive about it or he will get a complex about it (and it sounds like you’re very over sensitive about it)

Bubsworth · 31/08/2019 07:26

I agree with those who said she probably meant well and was showing him it's 'cool' or not that a big a deal.

My DS will have a scar from a cleft lip operation that is still healing right now, I hope if it's very noticeable people will either ignore it or make it sound like an interesting, cool thing so he doesn't feel self conscious about it.

And I agree with PP you sound like a lovely protective mummy xx

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