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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

MIL rearranging all my things

37 replies

TellMeHowToFeel · 30/08/2019 13:47

MIL came to stay for a few days. She was doing us a big favour, which I'm hugely grateful for. But decided to rearrange all (and I mean ALL the cupboards in my kitchen) because she said none of it made any sense. Obviously, it did to me. And it was hardly a humongous mess, I'm very house proud anyway. She only comes once in a blue moon....AIBU to think it's a bit rude to do this in someone else's home and if you're only there a few days? Obviously I didn't say anything as she was staying to do us a favour. But not sure if I'm justified in feeling affronted.

OP posts:

AbbieLexie · 30/08/2019 13:48

Out of order, you have every right to feel affronted.

strawbmilk · 30/08/2019 13:51

Yep my MIL only changes where I put my kitchen chairs and it drives me crazy. Really rude unless you asked!

slipperywhensparticus · 30/08/2019 13:54

My ex mil rearranged my cutlery drawer I went to pick up a spoon and cut myself on a knife I turned the air blue

mbosnz · 30/08/2019 13:54

Yes, you're very justified in feeling affronted.

It was my mother did this - it used to send me batty.

Particularly the cutlery drawer. Almost WWIII over the bloody cutlery drawer. (Topic not issue). I asked her to please leave it the way it was, it was the way we liked it. She said her way was far more sensible. I said, to her, but not to us, please leave our cutlery drawer the way we like it. She did it again. I got rather angry, and told her I'd asked her not to do that again, why had she.

She got very hurt and wounded. And did it again. At that point I told her that for ever thereafter, every time I came to hers I was going to rearrange her cutlery drawer. Cue much anger. Told her that if she ever did it again, it would be no idle threat.

She never did it again.

Gustavo1 · 30/08/2019 13:55

Yes, that’s a really rude thing to do in someone else’s house. Just tell her that you liked it where it was and that you aren’t very pleased that you’ll have to spend the time putting it all back!

Windydaysuponus · 30/08/2019 13:59

Make sure you do the same at her house. Move the sofa and a few chairs....
Maybe her chair into the garden...

5foot5 · 30/08/2019 14:04

It was out of order, but given she was doing you a favour and assuming you get on alright usually, I would be tempted to say nothing this time but put everything back the way it should be when she goes.

Then next time she visits just mention in a jokey way if possible "Oh you will notice I have put everything back because we couldn't find anything after last time you had been" I would only get stroppy if she didn't take the hint and did it again

dollydaydream114 · 30/08/2019 14:07

Yes, it's incredibly rude to rearrange someone's things without asking. It's absolutely beyond me that anyone would do this. It's not her place to decide how your kitchen, or anyone else's, should be arranged and I'm not surprised you're cross.

It would have been rude of her to do it if she was there every week, to be honest, let alone on a rare visit! It was lovely of her to do you the favour you mentioned, and she probably meant well with the kitchen thing, but she still hugely overstepped the mark.

My mum helped me move house once and asked me what I'd like her to help with in the new place. I said 'Great, could you maybe unpack the kitchen stuff?' And she said 'Well, I'd love to but I'm really worried I might put something in a cupboard you don't like, I couldn't bear to have anyone else shelve my pots, you know...' As far as she is concerned the absolute rudest thing you can do apart from going through someone's dirty laundry would be to impose your personal saucepan arrangement preferences upon them

thecatinthetwat · 30/08/2019 14:09

@5foot5

It’s strange, but something is telling me she’s not the type to pick up on hints

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 30/08/2019 14:10

I would no more think of going to my MiL's house and doing this than I'd think of shitting on her doorstep and ringing the bell. And I'd be the first to be amazed should she come to my house and do likewise, and would make that view very unequivocally clear.

Some people's idea of the polite way to behave under someone else's roof are very strange. (NB. this isn't it. And the fact that someone shares DNA with my other half doesn't make it any more 'it').

YADNBU.

NoSauce · 30/08/2019 14:13

She most likely thinks she’s trying to help you. Maybe she was taking her mind off something. I wouldn’t do it and depending on how someone arranged my cupboards, I might not like it either.

Fuming in silent is ok.

Windydaysuponus · 30/08/2019 14:27

Favours are requested imo. . No bloody favour of you need to reorganise!!

OhamIreally · 30/08/2019 14:28

My exMIL moved my furniture around last time she came to look after DD.
I'm grateful for her help so wouldn't dream of saying anything but I moved it back once she'd gone so hopefully she'll take the hint when she comes next time that I have it how I like it.

wibbletooth · 30/08/2019 14:36

I would be very tempted to tell her that it’s all wrong and that you’ll do her the favour of showing her how it should really be and rearrange her cupboards for her so they’re right when you next visit...

pigsDOfly · 30/08/2019 14:38

People who go into the homes' of their adult children and rearrange things are the sort of people who can't/won't accept that their children and their children's spouses are free thinking adults.

There is still that bit of them that, as the parent, 'knows best'.

Pretty certain she doesn't go into her friends' houses and rearrange their things.

It's disrespectful and rude and doing you a favour doesn't give her the right to be disrespectful and rude to you in your own.

Next time you go to her house, take a large box with you and empty everything from her kitchen cupboards into it. When she protests tell her you the stuff in her cupboards makes no sense to you.

TheSerenDipitY · 30/08/2019 15:10

my mum used to do that... until i called her at 11.30pm one night asking where i keep my pasta machine now, i told her i would call her everytime i needed something, and i did... she stopped messing with my shit

CandyLeBonBon · 30/08/2019 15:27

@mbosnz my email pulls shit like this. Drives me nuts!

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 30/08/2019 15:27

my mum used to do that... until i called her at 11.30pm one night asking where i keep my pasta machine now

Ha! Inspired.

CandyLeBonBon · 30/08/2019 15:31

Email?!! DM!!!

SweetLathyrus · 30/08/2019 15:39

My Mum doesn't visit often enough to know where less used stuff goes (different countries), but she does have hands to open cupboards and eyes to see what else is in there. And she would dream of deliberate rearranging.

However after getting it wrong a couple of times when we first moved here (and like @TheSerenDipitY, me having to call to ask where something was) she now makes a point of putting just one thing out of place before she leaves, then about a week later, asking if I have found it yet

SweetLathyrus · 30/08/2019 15:40

not 'would', 'wouldn't'

KUGA · 30/08/2019 15:43

Very cheeky for sure .
But it`s sorta nice she feels so at home.
I wouldn't say anything just put it back your way.
She may take the hint when she opens the cupboards on the next visit.

LaBelleSauvage · 30/08/2019 16:01

Hahaha my MIL also did this to my kitchen/cutlery drawer when DH and I were away.

I feel your pain OP. Some MILs just have no concept of what constitutes normal behaviour.

Windydaysuponus · 30/08/2019 17:07

Does anyone really want their mil to feel at home in their house??

Original poster

TellMeHowToFeel · 30/08/2019 21:30

Thank you all, I don't feel quite so batty now - my DH seems to think I'm overreacting (even though I didn't say anything to her) and she was just being sweet. But precisely - you wouldn't do it to a friend, so shouldn't to an adult child. Those who have suggested doing it back to her...inspired, thanks!!

OP posts:

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