MIL rearranging all my things

[TellMeHowToFeel]

MIL came to stay for a few days. She was doing us a big favour, which I'm hugely grateful for. But decided to rearrange all (and I mean ALL the cupboards in my kitchen) because she said none of it made any sense. Obviously, it did to me. And it was hardly a humongous mess, I'm very house proud anyway. She only comes once in a blue moon....AIBU to think it's a bit rude to do this in someone else's home and if you're only there a few days? Obviously I didn't say anything as she was staying to do us a favour. But not sure if I'm justified in feeling affronted.

My late MIL would rearrange the curtains every morning, we had a large square bay window and instead of having one pair of very wide curtains we had two pairs. When I opened them they hung two on each side, she would come along and move one pair into the corner of the bay. I would quietly put them back and she thought she was going mad, they were not where she left them!

Op - if your dh thinks it’s sweet, try asking what he would do if you were visiting his mum, told her that she had got her kitchen organised all wrong and then reorganised it for her while she was out at the supermarket... (so basically exactly mirroring what she said and did to you).

If he thinks that you are being sweet to his mum, and that his mum would be fine about it or positively appreciate it - then fine. Your dh is deluded or deluding himself for an easy life, but sweet.

On the other hand if he says words to the effect of that’s a crazy thing to do, why on earth would you do that, then you need to ask your dh to explain explicitly why it is a sweet thing for her to do to you and a bad thing for you to do to her. And then understand that it’s not a nice thing to do at all, particularly in the circumstances!

It’s patronising, a way of saying ‘I am superior and in charge and I know best and you are still a child playing at houses’.

(I know this because I reorganised my DS28 bedroom when I last stayed with him, although he did actually appreciate it )

Not quite the same I know but ...... we used to leave a spare key with our n-d-n when we went on hols (we did same for them) so they could get a pint of milk in and turn the heating and hw back on. EVERY SINGLE TIME she'd adjust the clock so the time was wrong by about an hour or so and alter the settings on the heating and hw too. Bloody loon - we moved and we are no longer in touch!

Incredibly rude!

My DM who has boundary issues did this when I moved into my first house and she had a spare key. She did it when I was at work.

She refused to see she had done anything wrong, until I asked her if she would change around and move everything in a client's house (she used to be a cleaner). She went quiet and then apologised.

Just move everything back to the way it was in the kitchen OP.
She should get the hint the next time.
If she does it again then tell her to leave your kitchen alone as it makes sense to you.

My mother did this when she came to stay with me when I was 22. I was furious. She didn’t see anything wrong with it and got all huffy. My parents also kept a key (unbeknownst to me) to my flat. I came home one day after a couple of weeks away to a note raging about the state of the flat, “your filthy Warsaw ways, utter slattern...” Took great pleasure in telling them that I had actually been in Warsaw, and the “mess” belonged to a friend, who was staying. She had come straight in from a long flight, showered, changed and gone to work, leaving the contents of her suitcase strewn around her bedroom. I got the key back after that. It is definitely a control thing.

Obviously she's completely out of order, but what did she move? What was in the wrong place (according to her)?

100% go to her home and move stuff around to be helpful in return.

Move around your DH's stuff too - see if he "overreacts"..........

My mother does this sort of thing to me as well.

I hate when people ''help'' with stuff you would prefer to do your own way and then cast you in the role of ingrate.

So true that they wouldn't do it to their friend but they do it to an adult child (daughter or daughter in law). Not sons so much I 'm guessing.

@CaptureCastles actually I think boundary issues probably nails it, thinking about it. She's also constantly asking to borrow money off us and has used DH as some kind of therapist or confidante all his life, which is partially why he's so immune to seeing a problem with this. It's just what she does, to him. Of course she disguises it as being so super caring and wanting the best for everybody...but it is just truly very rude and patronising. I may go to lots of people's houses and not like what they've done with the place...but I sure as heck don't take it upon myself to change it, especially without any invitation to do so.

Of course she disguises it as being so super caring and wanting the best for everybody

This is a bit of a red flag to me.

My DM likes to disguise control as care - she has a personality disorder and doesn't understand normal boundaries, I feel for you!!