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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset at this photo send by friend

29 replies

Timbuktwo · 29/08/2019 22:57

We used to be close friends 20 years ago. Now in our early 40s, living in 2 different continents. We occasionally exchange b'day texts and do not have much in common.

I know his family for 20 years. So meet them once a year or so, when I visit my home country. He never married and lives with his parents. He is become more traditional with time and I have become more open minded. He is usually very preachy and has an air of moral superiority.

Last time, we met he lectured me on taking care of my dm and as I tried to respond. (I really try to do whatever I can for dm, I think he secretly judges me for living abroad or travelling occasionally). He cut me off and gave further lecture. He then sent me texts every day about wanting to meet. That his family wanted to meet me too.

I finally texted him that I didn't like him lecturing me and not listening at all. I also mentioned I have been struggling with depression lately. He didn't respond. 6 months later, he started sending me texts again, never mentioned my last text. Now he has been texting at least once a week with random happy Monday or how was your weekend texts.

I don't like last this text as on many occasions he was rude and I let that go. I am a bit upset but I can't completely let go off our friendship as I am close to his family too and his parents are really old.

They have all become a bit judgemental, but I still want to maintain some contact as I know them for a long time and they are very old now. Plus I do not have many friends as I have lived in 4 different countries in past 15 years.
He say he considers me like his younger sister. We are same age. He was always a bit annoying and but had many good qualities. I find him too difficult to be around now.

Any suggestions about how to develop some boundaries with this friend? Thank you.

To be upset at this photo send by friend
OP posts:
summersherewishiwasnt · 29/08/2019 23:04

Ignore and block. You are continents apart .... in more ways than one.

Knittedfairies · 29/08/2019 23:05

I'll counter that with another wise saying from the Dalai Lama:

'Silence is sometimes the best answer'

You've tried to set boundaries, and he hasn't listened to you. You don't need him in your life.

Oneforposy7 · 29/08/2019 23:06

You haven't actually said when or in what context that photo was sent OP? It's difficult to say without knowing that.

C0untDucku1a · 29/08/2019 23:06

How is this even an ongoing problem?! Just block him!

dollydaydream114 · 29/08/2019 23:09

Just knowing each other for a long time doesn't mean you are friends.

You no longer have anything in common, you live on different continents and he's making you feel uncomfortable even from thousands of miles away. I really think you need to just block his number and move on from this.

Cherrysoup · 29/08/2019 23:10

Send him a message saying ‘Ironic, given how unkind you have been in recent years’ then block the fucker.

Jemima232 · 29/08/2019 23:16

It's another vote for blocking this knob, OP.

It doesn't matter that you see his elderly family every so often. You do not need to maintain a "friendship" with this man just because of that.

RosaWaiting · 29/08/2019 23:23

He sounds really unpleasant

In terms of his parents, I don’t mean to be harsh but what can you really do for them? And are you sure you’re really friends with them? I have a friend who moved away, I never hear from him but his parents still send me emails occasionally! So it could be like that.

He sounds like a judgy git tbh.

RosaWaiting · 29/08/2019 23:24

PS you say “He is become more traditional with time”

What does that mean please?

5zeds · 29/08/2019 23:35

Do single men traditionally barrage female family friends with offensive lectures and texts? I’ve lived in the west, Far and Middle East and I don’t recognise this behaviour.

gilliansgardenbench · 29/08/2019 23:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WhatTiggersDoBest · 29/08/2019 23:45

Ugh sounds like he's grown into a mansplainer. I tried to enact boundaries with a "friend" like this and it ended when he publicly humiliated me in front of friends then didn't understand when I told him we were done. I often tried explaining why he was wrong (he made so many assumptions which went into his preachy advice) because I thought we had that kind of friendship where we were honest, but he'd always cling to his assumptions and tell me what I ought to do. He got worse over time. I ended up having to block him because he just didn't get the impact his behaviour was having on me. Cutting him out of my life was hard and made me very sad for a long while, but once that wore off I actually felt better and found I had so much more time and brain-space to maintain friendships with other people.

SandAndSea · 30/08/2019 00:00

If you don't want to unfriend him completely, you could look into setting up a folder in your email account and filter his messages to go in there automatically. That way you can choose to look at them or not, when it suits you.

Original poster
Timbuktwo · 30/08/2019 00:09

Thanks everyone. I tried to cut him off before but since I am friends with all his family members on social media, I get occasional 'when do we see you again' messages? And I am made to feel guilty. Like 'we really wished you met us in last trip'. I just want to have a very low key friendship.

Also, I feel I would be an ungrateful person to cut them off as 20 years ago I met him in college, I was from another city and his family was very welcoming to me, I used to visit their home frequently. He helped me with a few things.

But lately they have become very proud of their roots (nationalism) and during my recent visits, most conversations are around how their way of thinking/ living is better.
E.g. they are strict vegetarians, I am not. They are very religious.
My friend sends me random religious photos (he wasn't this religious when he was in college but recently has become).

@rosawaiting, he has become more conservative, judgemental views on divorce (wasn't like this 20 years ago), and trying to impose his ideas on me, make comments on couples breaking up.

@Oneforposy7, the context was nothing. Out of the blue I got this photo with no text whatsoever.

Yesterday he sent me photos of a famous religious place, with text saying - some nice photos from random instagram posts.

There is never a text like - how have you been? How's life? I sometimes put this on socially awkward male syndrome which can be very common in my country of origin.

I would text back with - a quote from Mother Teresa- The best way to succeed in life is to act on the advice we give to others :)

OP posts:
tolerable · 30/08/2019 00:21

..not read other replies yet...so..heres mine...that's as close to an acknowledgement(he overstepped the mark)or an apology(he upset you,repeatedly)as he can muster. I think its a representation that he reasonates with. (personally)//ie..not one hes projecting for you...theres a bid lee way for middle ground..presuming your both holding the strings you've said bind you. ..he possibly realises and or feels as frustrated my his ill placed authoritarian role as you feel saying-and who the feck are you....how bout...you've tken your own path and judging is the remaining option for those who are team "we don't,have never"..they cant change you.you cant change them.reassess and cancel animosity might work

RosaWaiting · 30/08/2019 00:22

So he’s very self absorbed, has started criticising people with no idea of what they are facing, and his family are getting closed minded too?

I’d send that Mother Theresa quote and leave it there.

Also, the thing about social media is that people when will we see you again” but they don’t mean it.

Original poster
Timbuktwo · 30/08/2019 00:31

@WhatTiggersDoBest I can completely relate to what you wrote. My friend is very similar.

@SandAndSea, it's through WhatsApp.

OP posts:
wibbletooth · 30/08/2019 00:36

I would browse the collected best quotes of the Dalai Lama and see if you can find something that you like that fits that works...

Alternatively if you can't find a good quote, make one up. When I was at school (a zillion years ago!) when we to do assembly's and needed an apporpiate quote but couldn't find one, we'd make one up - years before there had been a student that made up a saint who always had the right quote for wahtever you needed to be said - and over the years it became a game to try to get a quote from him into as many different assemblies as possible... Then an old boy came back to school as a member of staff a few years after leaving... apparently they were worried he was going to let on but turns out he didn't - and continued to quote him too when he needed a quote Grin I'm guessing the staff probably did know but they never let on and it was a useful thing while it lasted.

I'd start sending some everyday sexism quotes back to him too - or things that you like that you suspect/know he doesn't - it sounds like he thinks that he has a right to dictate how you think and looks down on you for not being like him. Turn it around on him and point out that if you had met now, you wouldn't be friends because he's preachy/judgemental/too religious/too boring/or whatever and that you wish he would loosen up and go back to being the real honest him rather than the sort of old man that you both thought was ridiculous back when you were young...

Also sounds like he might be thinking that he has a chance with you and that this is his way of wooing you and showing what a great catch he is... well in his own mind!

BlueJava · 30/08/2019 06:58

I don't see why this is a problem - you have both moved on in different directions. Blovk and move on. You don't have to be forever grateful just because some helped you in college 20 years ago. You dont have to see his family either- move on and forget them as they sound a bit toxic.

LizzieSiddal · 30/08/2019 07:07

You can’t be beholding to him because you are interact with his family. Yes he was kind to you 20 years ago, but he’s not kind now so your relationship has changed. Stop letting him annoy and hurt you- you’re a grown woman.

And no one can tell you in here how to handle the relationship so “it’s low key” because no one can force him to stop behaving like a twit. So it’s up to you to back away form the friendship or put up with him annoying you and being rude to you.

ChangeItChild · 30/08/2019 07:28

Just back away from this person, I'd alter security settings on SM so they can't view all your posts (unless you are brave enough to un friend them completely?)

I'd leave his messages unopened for a long while, don't respond if be very slow to respond ( unless you are brave enough to un friend him completely?

Try not provide them with any information about your life, they may all start losing interest.

Ask yourself what these friendships bring to your life (a whole lot of judgement and hassle?)

LellyMcKelly · 30/08/2019 07:34

If you really don’t want to block him, why not respond with funny cartoons or sayings? It takes the power away from his po-faced, patronising ones. Look up Jack Handey and just reply to him with nonsense.

Palaver1 · 30/08/2019 07:46

Does he see your mother
What does your mother tell him about your relationship with her

OutwiththeOutCrowd · 30/08/2019 08:42

At the moment your feelings towards this man are ambivalent. He does not accept you as you are but then again you have shared history and he and his family have been kind to you in the past, and you want to honour that. You also acknowledge that you have moved around a lot and this relationship provides a feeling of continuity and connection, albeit imperfectly.

You both seem to be dissatisfied. Neither of you is really getting what you need from the friendship. He has grown more judgmental. You have become more liberal. In a sense, you are both trying to hold on to a version of the other in your minds that no longer exists in real life and every so often reality encroaches and tensions rise.

I think to move forward, Tim, you need to find more people to bond with where you are, to uphold your sense of identity as it exists in the present, people who will accept and love you just as you are. If this happens, you won’t be so vulnerable to his negativity and it may even be possible for you to remain in contact with him and his family in a low key manner without it leading to so much distress.

And I wonder if - and I realise this is pure speculation - he might still be holding a candle for you. Perhaps he was too inhibited to say anything all those years ago? The moment has passed now and he might be taking out his frustration on you by undermining you in subtle - and not so subtle - ways.

Kanga83 · 30/08/2019 09:37

I like this one as a response 'silence is the best response to a fool', or the one I used frequently to my housemates who found God in a big way while I was living with them and in trying to save me by being ultra critical and judgmental was 'Jesus loves you, everyone else thinks you're and arsehole'.