Family in law/pass the baby

[Hundredsandthousands2019]

Honest opinions needed…

My partner is half Spanish and we’ve been together for 10 years. Last year we had a LO. I wouldn’t say I’ve ever had an easy relationship with his parents (particularly his mum), but since having LO things have become very difficult and tense.

Some examples being – when we told his parents we were having baby the reaction was happy but very quickly the conversation turned to child-rearing and how important it is not to shout at children/how childhood trauma lasts a lifetime etc. The importance of paternal parents access to the grandchildren was also been hinted at lots. Through pregnancy MIL didn’t show much interest in talking about LO or my wellbeing.

Since LO has been born they’ve been to visit lots of times (including staying nearby for a week 3 days after she was born). Each visit has been stressful. I may have high expectations – but it has always seemed that they are just coming to see the LO and not at all interested in me. I feel a little like an incubator! When our LO was 2mo they visited and told us how upset they were by our choice of surname for the LO (we double-barrelled and took my MIL’s maiden name as my partner’s contribution). Their most recent visit my MIL spent 20 minutes crying in the bathroom because my partner asked her (abruptly) to speak English at the table (I don’t speak Spanish).

So most recently we went to Spain to visit family. MIL and FIL were also there. It is probably a big cultural clash – but there was an expectation to play pass the baby. LO is 8mo and clingy and I’ve never been keen on passing her around. There were lots of comments from MIL and partner’s aunty insinuating they should be feeding her/putting her down for a nap (no easy task!)/changing her etc. They also crowd around LO and are very intense. There’s constant stroking/squeezing/photos being taken/being all in her face. I find it so difficult watching people be like that with her. My partner finds it really difficult and says it reminds him of when he was little and desperately trying to get away from his aunty smothering him. It’s obviously all out of love, but it’s a bit suffocating and I find it disrespectful of my LO’s space. Another example is that if one of us is holding our LO they will always be trying to take her from us. And if one of them is holding the LO it is difficult to get her back, there’s a lot of hesitation.

My partner got very annoyed one day and snapped at his mum to stop interfering with LO so much, just to let her play. To which his aunty got involved and said ‘the one time she gets to see the LO and you’re like this’. My MIL ended up leaving the room in tears and stayed in her bedroom the rest of the evening.

The next day things became very heated - they all ended up in tears, my partner was pinned against the wall and was accused of breaking the family apart. The message from his family was that we are being uptight, that the LO is everyone’s equal responsibility so they should have unlimited access, that we are guests in their home so they should be able to behave how they like, that it is done out of love so shouldn’t be a problem. They absolutely refused to see the point (please give the LO some space) and respect it.

Are we being mental? What does anyone think about any of these points? I’ve well and truly rambled - sorry

You feel your MIL is using language as a way to exclude you. Has it not occured to you that she is just speaking Spanish to her son just like she always has done? Their relationship is in Spanish. If the two of them are just chatting there is no need for them to speak in a language that feels awkward to them. You could make an effort to learn Spanish. Not saying that will solve all your problems though!

I'm in a bilingual household and agree with op - if there's someone in a group who doesn't speak the common language, they should use the language of that person so as not to exclude them. That means the mil should speak English when they're together to be polite, if her English is better than op's Spanish. The situation with the family, especially pinning the partner to the wall by his neck can't be blamed on cultivation differences imo. I wouldn't be happy with that at all and would probably reduce contact with them.

Thanks for all the replies. I do think learning Spanish would help and that some of @Zakana's determination would do me good! But I can't be swayed on the opinion that if everyone can speak a common language, that is the one that should be spoken. I can't think of any context (particularly as a group of 3 people!) where it wouldn't be an act of exclusion to have conversations in a language that the 3rd person doesn't understand.

We've reached a bit of a dead end in our thoughts and will now just have some space from the in-laws and hope they can at least respect that, given how awful the 'holiday' was for us.

My ILs are Spanish. With my DC they behave fine, as I am quite hands on and protective. But with SIL’s (their DD’s DC) they are full on, pass the baby, toddler told to join them in bed in the morning to let the parents sleep (why not, a bit intrusive though IMO). The latest one: SIL puts 8mo in pram for him to sleep, rocks the pram etc, she goes to the loo asking MIL to continue to rock the pram, 2secs and FIL takes the baby in its arms (wasn’t crying or anything) «oh you don’t want to sleep! « makes funny faces etc. SIL comes in, completely unfussed. I would have been so annoyed! She didn’t care, must be cultural!

@Hundredsandthousands2019 it wasn’t so much grim determination on my part, I just didn’t want the old witch slagging me off in front of me to relatives and others without me knowing, I kept my language classes quiet until I heard her slagging me off one day and called her out on it in front of everyone there! My partner and his brother thought it was hilarious! She went on to try a couple of other times (I think she thought I had been lucky guessing what she had said) and both times again I called her out! She’s stopped doing it now and asks for my help to read Greek documents! Still don’t trust or like her though, we maintain an uneasy truce, that’s all. But I certainly don’t put up with any of her controlling shit anymore. Good luck with the lessons 🇪🇸 xx

And if I can learn to read and write Greek, with all the strange alphabet, you can definitely learn even some conversational Spanish, you might even enjoy it!