Father's Day ....

[thatfailmailrag]

DH generally thinks 'holidays' are commercialised crap. Would never think to buy me a card for Valentine's Day and often forgets it's our anniversary. He's ok with birthdays and Christmas, but he generally just throws money at the problem and buys me an expensive rather than thoughtful gift. If I ask him for something specific like a dress or clothing he generally won't buy the one I hint at, but at one he likes better. Anyway I'll get to the point. It's Father's Day this weekend, we've just had another failed round of IVF. His DS (12) and his ex have planned a special day for him at which I'm not welcome. He feels he has to go and can't let DS down. It's our weekend I suggested they have an day/afternoon out then meet me for dinner later. Why is he so keen to celebrate this and buy into this holiday. But not the others that I can be involved in. If I said come on we are having a special day for valentines he'd tell me to not be so ridiculous. AIBU that this is a bit shit.

Just me then .....

Why are you not welcome, who, if anyone, has told you that?

It's apparently family time .........

I suspect he ‘buys into’ Father’s Day because his son can do some of the planning and there aren’t many things a 12yo can get involved with for his Dad.
In your circumstances I can see it is a bit of crap day, but remember his DS in this.

Maybe his so desperate to celebrate this to make his ds happy as his planned it.

Even if he doesn’t go in for these kind of things, sometimes as a parent you suck it up if your child arranges it.

Of course he can’t let his ds down.

I’m not seeing the issue here, yabu

So he wants to make you the mother of his children. The mother of his sons siblings. But doesn't get class you as family?

But his Ex is family?

Why can't he get his son and the three of you do something nice?

With regards to the holiday it's usually an opportunity for the children to enjoy making things and spending time with their parent.

So he can't really stop Fathers Day. But the rest of it is bullshit.

He’s ‘buying into it’ because he doesn’t want to disappoint his son, who is, after all, a child. FWIW I think your DH sounds awful, and should make more of special days with you - but I do think it would be really bad if you expected him to be the same about father-son day with his excited 12-year-old as he is about Valentine’s Day. You are the adult and his DS is the child and being jealous of a 12-year-old having a day with his dad isn’t a good look.

I assume you’re not in the UK, by the way? Because Father’s Day here was in June.

Still can't get my head around your HUSBAND not considering you family... what are you then ?

I do not think you remotely unreasonable. Nothing wrong with his DS and him spending Father's Day together but why is his ex involved? It's not 'parents' day !

My dsc spend Father's Day with their father weirdly enough. Even when they were very little it was me that 'thought' of the plan for the day - then they went off and did it. (I would pay for it ) and like you, meet them later. However by the age of 12 the kids themselves made the plan. Their mother played no part - no more than my DH would be involved in Mother's Day. This is indeed family time. Your DH s family is his wife and children NOT his ex wife. You aren't family once divorced.

You aren't family once divorced. except that to the child, his mother and father are his family.

Not his father's wife.

The OP's husband wants to spend Fathers Day with his son. His son presumably wants his parents around, and they care enough about their child to make that happen. That is their family.

The husband has/may start a new family with the OP, but that is not the same for the child already here.

Children should never dictate arrangements.

The child can want mummy and daddy to socialise. It's down to the adults to gently explain that that's not going to happen. That he is very loved but that things like Father's Day no longer involve mummy anymore.

I can see why he wants to enable his son to celebrate Father's Day with his Dad - he is his Dad after all. And I can (I'm really sorry) see why perhaps his son and ex-wife would prefer you weren't a part of it.

I'm sorry this has come at such a sensitive time for you, it must really exacerbate things.

I would be saying to DH - look, I get that this is important to you and son - I want you to understand that it is important to me that we celebrate Valentines Day. Next year, we're going to do something nice, have a meal, go out, do something, and we're going to appreciate each other. It doesn't have to be over the top, but flowers and/or a card, would mean so much to me. I'd like it to matter to you, because it matters to me.

DH has never said I'm not family. DSS's mother said that. DSS wants to cook DH a meal, but doesn't want to do it at our house as he needs his mum to 'help'
FWIW, they split over 12 years ago, were never married. So completely understand if this was recent break with young kids. But just don't understand why DH is putting himself into an awkward position just to please DSS.

So why isn't your DH speaking up?

Why isn't he telling his Ex to STFU?
Why isn't he kindly explaining to his son that you can help him cook the meal. And that mum has her house and he has his house and he won't be eating in mums house?

I feel your frustration, but comparing a fathers day event his DS has planned vs not buying you thr dress you'd like sounds very spoilt. I can only presume you're (unintentionally) bitter he has a DS and you don't.

What you're saying is that you resent your husband respecting his child's efforts for fathers day. Do you have any idea how selfish you sound? Maybe your husband hates the idea of fathers day, but loves his child and his chids feelings more than his own feelings.

If you planned a nice valentines meal, would he go? Would he throw it in your face? I don't mean suggesting a mutually planned event, but you actually do the effort like his son? Only then do you have a right to question his actions. Even then, children are ways going to trump a new wife so accept it.

@justbeingadad children are going to trump a new wife?
Your clearly bitter mate.

@Contraceptionismyfriend

Absolute rubbish. The kid wants his mother to help him cook a meal for his father. That's absolutely reasonable.

When you marry someone with children from a previous relationship you accept that the other parent of they child will forever be involved in your partners life in some capacity. If I remarry and my wife wants to go for a fathers or mother's day meal with her daughter and ex, I'd fully support that. If my partner has a relationship with their child's other parent which means they can sit at the same table and enjoy a meal, that says an awful lot about the type of person and parents they are.

It's not reasonable if the adults don't wish to maintain a relationship. You can respectfully explain to a child that mum and dad are separated. That they live separately and that while they love the child they won't be chummy.

But just don't understand why DH is putting himself into an awkward position just to please DSS Umm because his the child’s father maybe.....

Of course a child should always trump a new wife! It’s his CHILD

The boy wants to cook his dad a meal and wants his mum to help, nothing wrong with that. His 12 so no not a baby but still a child.

@thatfailmailrag

Don't follow? How does that make me bitter? I'd never be with a new partner who expected my needs or desires came before her children's. And likewise my children's wi always come first. I know my stbxw has exactly the same opinion. Regardless if we're divorced or never married or anything, we're both equally our child's parents and that will never change.

There's absolutely nothing wrong with celebrating Father's day because your child wants to celebrate it with you, regardless of whether or not you buy into all the Valentine's stuff or how you choose Christmas/Birthday gifts.

Not sure about the meal cooking thing really. It would've been nice if his son had asked you to help instead, but he chose his mum, which I suppose is understandable as he is a child afterall.

It’s only an awkward situation because you’re making it one. OP I’m so sorry this has made you feel shit and I’m so, so sorry about your IVF. But it’s just a day he’s spending with his son.

@Contraceptionismyfriend

It sounds like the only adult who doesn't want this relationship is the new wife!

*Children are going to trump a new wife.
*
I would probably agree with this. He is probably always going to put his kid before you. How is your relationship with his DS generally?

OK so what happens when OP becomes the mother of his child.

What does he do on Father's Day?

Which child does he upset?
He needs to construct a firm boundary before the birth of a new baby so that his Son doesn't associate the separation and new traditions as the babies fault.