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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Father's Day ....

50 replies

thatfailmailrag · 29/08/2019 10:11

DH generally thinks 'holidays' are commercialised crap. Would never think to buy me a card for Valentine's Day and often forgets it's our anniversary. He's ok with birthdays and Christmas, but he generally just throws money at the problem and buys me an expensive rather than thoughtful gift. If I ask him for something specific like a dress or clothing he generally won't buy the one I hint at, but at one he likes better. Anyway I'll get to the point. It's Father's Day this weekend, we've just had another failed round of IVF. His DS (12) and his ex have planned a special day for him at which I'm not welcome. He feels he has to go and can't let DS down. It's our weekend I suggested they have an day/afternoon out then meet me for dinner later. Why is he so keen to celebrate this and buy into this holiday. But not the others that I can be involved in. If I said come on we are having a special day for valentines he'd tell me to not be so ridiculous. AIBU that this is a bit shit.

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 29/08/2019 23:33

He needs to construct a firm boundary before the birth of a new baby so that his Son doesn't associate the separation and new traditions as the babies fault.

The OP isn't pregnant though.

If (hopefully) that happens, there'll be plenty of time to sort that out. He'll be a teenager by then, so not a young child.

P1nkHeartLovesCake · 30/08/2019 00:07

Well the op isn’t currently pregnant so no boundaries do not need to be put in place at this stage.

If that changes by time baby is older enough to understand Father’s Day the stepson would be 15/16 so it would be very different to now

user1473878824 · 30/08/2019 00:27

@thatfailmailrag sorry, but yes, children do trump a new wife. In most cases - ESPECIALLY Father’s Day - I expect my DP to put his son before me. We make decisions as a family most of the time, and while we obviously have a different set up to you, if DSS said I would like dad to come to mum’s so I can cook for him I’d go about my merry way and not think twice.

OP your whole post is basically about how you feel he doesn’t do Thing Days with you, and that’s a whole other issue. You need to sit down with DH and talk about that. But you cannot get pissed off he’s spending Father’s Day with his son, doing what his son wants.

user1473878824 · 30/08/2019 00:28

I do get that I feels shit. And dynamics will change when you have children. But let your step son have this one day. Does he know you’re trying by the way? Because maybe he’s just a bit aaargh and thinks this is the last time he will just have his dad, and his mum.

Thehouseintheforest · 30/08/2019 16:50

There isn't a question of the child 'trumping' the new wife ! No one is disputing that the child comes first in this but at 12 he can surely cook a meal for his dad supervised by his step mother ? This situation is clearly the father allowing his ex wife to dictate terms.
Would my dsc want to cook a meal for their dad on fd - of course! Would he do it with their mother ? Hell no !

MotherofDinosaurs · 30/08/2019 16:57

I get why its a difficult day for you but it IS about him and his son. It's their day. Not yours. You need to let this one go. And yes, agree with the poster who said children should always come before partners.

22Giraffes · 30/08/2019 17:10

Totally agree than children trump new wife/partner, and I also think that it's normal a child might want their mum to help them cook a meal! It might be reasonable that a step parent could help them, but it's not what the child wants, and they didn't ask to be in this situation tbh!

Thehouseintheforest · 30/08/2019 18:16

Disagree completely. This reinforces the lie that somehow 'mum and dad are together' child needs to know (via fathers reinforcement that this this the new reality.. 'I love YOU AND My WIFE ' when you are here you are with 'US'. !

Original poster

thatfailmailrag · 30/08/2019 23:20

I'm not a 'new wife' there never was another wife, completely petty view point.
I completely understand they should have time together and am happy for them to do something.
I think DSS might know about IVF as he walked in on me taking my meds and couldn't pick DSS up when I was in hospital which might be driving odd behaviour, from his mum.
Children should never trump your partner. I certainly won't have that viewpoint if I'm lucky enough to have kids. DH talked to DSS. We are going out for dinner together Saturday, then the boys are going off to do something Sunday morning. They have knocked the idea of a 'special meal' at his mum's on the head. Talked to DH about it, he had only agreed to it to shut up DSS's mother as she was being really difficult, he had no intention on going and didn't mean to upset me.

OP posts:

LetsTryToLetGoOfAnger · 30/08/2019 23:28

He has a child with whom Father's Day is meaningful, so he'll celebrate it.

You're not a child, let alone his child, you're an adult, and you're not the natural/acting mother of his child.

What's to decipher really.

LetsTryToLetGoOfAnger · 30/08/2019 23:30

Children should never trump your partner.

Surely you don't believe this.

justbeingadad · 30/08/2019 23:43

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

RavenLG · 30/08/2019 23:49

Children should be your first priority no matter what. You should resentful of your husbands child for taking attention away from you.

PurpleDaisies · 30/08/2019 23:51

Children should never trump your partner. I certainly won't have that viewpoint if I'm lucky enough to have kids

You absolutely cannot make a statement like that and actually mean it. There are all sorts of situations where ones needs need to trump the others.

Ponoka7 · 31/08/2019 00:10

Contraceptionismyfriend
"OK so what happens when OP becomes the mother of his child.
What does he do on Father's Day?
Which child does he upset? "

By the time the OPs child is old enough to know it's FD. The Son will be an Adult, so it isn't relevant.

"Children should never trump your partner. I certainly won't have that viewpoint if I'm lucky enough to have kids."

You're very wrong about that. I hope if you are successful you change that stance.

Crunchymum · 31/08/2019 00:36

Maybe the OP means "step children should never trump your partner" ?

HiJenny35 · 31/08/2019 02:10

I think you've been really unreasonable. What was this actually about? You're hurt because you are having trouble getting pregnant, understandable. You are hurt because partner doesn't make a fuss of you on what you consider to be special events, understandable. You don't like the idea of oh playing happy families with his ex, understandable. However a child wanted his mum to help him make a special meal for his dad on Father's Day which was a lovely thing and dreadful that you've shown off about it but not only that you've also now made the child spend part of Father's Day with you. Why do you need to be at the meal? It's a day for you oh and his child not you. I can understand it hurting but you need to get some perspective and realise how childish you are being. This day should be about what the child wants to do with his dad and nothing to do with you.

Original poster

thatfailmailrag · 31/08/2019 04:09

@HiJenny35 so on Mother's Day, you would go out for dinner and leave your DH at home? That's just a weird view point.

OP posts:

LagunaBubbles · 31/08/2019 04:19

Children should never trump your partner. I certainly won't have that viewpoint if I'm lucky enough to have kids

That is a not a very nice thing to think never mind say.

Original poster

thatfailmailrag · 31/08/2019 04:29

Honestly !!! It completely blows my mind this forum sometimes. DC should never trump DH, neither should DH trump DC. It's a family, there should be a balance not a competition as to who is more important.
If I'm honest I think too many families put their children first to the detriment of their marriage.

OP posts:

Willyoujustbequiet · 31/08/2019 04:35

Yabu. Children should trump a partner. If you truly believe that I would question your suitability to be a parent.

justbeingadad · 31/08/2019 08:45

@thatfailmailrag

You're right, but but if I ever had a DP who expected to come before my children (her SC) she'd be an ex pretty quickly.

Obviously there are occasions when you might say no to children, but early that's not what we're talking about here.

HiJenny35 · 03/09/2019 01:47

How is it a weird point of view, of course if MY CHILDREN wanted to spend time with me for Mother's Day I would go out with MY CHILDREN, I'm not his mother I'm the children's mother. Your partner is not your dad, he is their dad and you just aren't getting it are you, his responsibility is to his children first not you. If his children want to do a certain activity with him for Father's Day they should be able to without you being there or showing off and making it hard for him. You aren't a child.

TakemedowntoPotatoCity · 03/09/2019 02:10

Sorry but children should trump a partner. You are being very selfish to think otherwise.

snitzelvoncrumb · 03/09/2019 02:20

I think you are going through a difficult time and it's clouding your judgement. Your step son wants to celebrate father's day, it's not a big deal, and he will probably only have a few more years of wanting to do this, so let your husband enjoy it. Most parents do put their children before their partner, and that is something you will hopefully understand soon. Please don't let your disappointment ruin a special day for your husband and his son. All the best for the future, hopefully next father's day you are too tired being pregnant to worry about it.

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