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Original poster

To be genuinely considering ending relationship over snoring

27 replies

lastqueenofscotland · 29/08/2019 08:33

Firstly: to the competitively tired brigade, I don’t care if you have quintuplets who didn’t sleep through till they went to uni.

Since we’ve been together he’s had some shit with his parents marriage breaking down and the threat of redundancy at work and has put on a lot of weight and is now about a stone overweight I genuinely don’t mind this but a side effect is he now snores.

I’ve had another uncomfortable night on the sofa as at 1am he was snoring loudly enough to wake the dead.

It’s starting to breed a bit of resentment and I no longer enjoy spending the night with him as I know that I won’t be sleeping well that night. He always says he’d go in the sofa if I just wake him, but he is very hard to wake.
He’s also been saying for months he’ll look into various things to assist it, I’m not sure if any work, but he hasn’t at all and I’m feeling incredibly fed up.

OP posts:
BringOnTheScience · 29/08/2019 08:39

Record him. Play it back to him in the morning. You can get apps that record automatically if you leave a phone by their bedside so there is a timed chart of volume, etc.

He needs to appreciate how bad it is. Then he might be inclined to lose weight and wear nose strips.

KarmaStar · 29/08/2019 10:03

My bil had an operation for snoring,made no difference.
Understand how the resentment builds up op when your dh is fresh from a good night's sleep in a comfortable bed.
Can you put some ear plugs in and go to bed before him so you are,hopefully,sound asleep before he goes to bed?
Hopefully he will find some way to lose the weight and the problem goes.
The sleep pillow spray might help you get off to sleep easier too.

Bubsworth · 29/08/2019 10:07

Yes end it - if you genuinely would end this relationship over something like this (as infuriating as it must be) you're obviously not that into him.

Waveysnail · 29/08/2019 10:08

My husband snored for years. I found earplugs let me sleep. Now its reversed and in snoring. I sleep in sitting room as dh has to sleep due to his job. But we got super comfy put up bed so I sleep like a baby. Often we will have cuddles in out bed then I decamp to the sitting room. Weekends he might sleep downstairs. We dont have spare room so best solution for us.

AmIThough · 29/08/2019 10:14

I agree with PP - record him. Then make him book a doctors appointment. Even if it takes time to find something to help him, it may help you to know he's trying.

If he's not willing to go to the doctors at least you know how much he cares.

Surfskatefamily · 29/08/2019 10:18

Hi.. Its so so so hard. My husband snores like a pig and I can't sleep next to him. But I love him so much and it's been so incredibly difficult.
Iv considered leaving him
But we have accepted that not sleeping in the same room is the best way forward.
We are both happier... We have cuddles in bed before actual seep and then goes into a daybed we have in the living room

Scarlett555 · 29/08/2019 10:31

I've considered moving house (so there's a spare room) for this issue so I know how you feel.

Tell him to go to the doctor who may prescribe nasals sprays. It helped my DP a bit.

I have a spare bed in DC's room which I go to if it's really bad.

Get him to sleep on the sofa if you have a big day the next day.

Butchyrestingface · 29/08/2019 10:33

Do you have a spare room? Can you sleep separately?

pooopypants · 29/08/2019 10:33

Have you tried nasal strips? The rubber thingy that goes inside the nose?

Agree with PP about recording him.... maybe he doesn't realise just how bad it is.

Digestive28 · 29/08/2019 10:37

It may be sleep apnoea. Look up risk factors, snoring is one of them as is male over 50. It is a test then a mask and it is sorted, but first step is that he goes to GP.

justilou1 · 29/08/2019 10:44

Today is my 16th wedding anniversary. My DH has only recently had a sleep study and been diagnosed with apnoea. (46 episodes per hour.) I have cried at him, slept on the couch, played recordings of him (in public and private) Shown him things that have the same volume in decibels and been to counselling where I wept at his utter selfishness. I basically said that this kind of torture is considered unacceptable by the United Nations and yet he thinks it’s okay. He might as well deprive me of clothing, water and food as well as sleep. He told me I was exaggerating and then I played the recording from the preceding night. The counsellor couldn’t hide his shock. My husband is neither old nor overweight. He doesn’t look like the normal demographic for producing that kind of volume. He now has a c-pap machine which he resents, but as I have pointed out, it is very easy for me to show a court that medical evidence that he is frequently deprived of oxygen for quite long periods of time if he doesn’t wear it. Ergo, if he complains and doesn’t use the bloody thing, I will suffocate him myself.

amicissimma · 29/08/2019 11:04

I have never found any ear plugs that were effective against DH's loud snoring, but I have found that a combination of foam ear plugs and white noise played through Sleepphones completely blocks the racket. I have the wired ones as I bought them years ago and haven't strangled myself yet, but wireless look even better. They are very comfortable, even when I lie on my side. Various online sites offer free White Noise downloads for a phone or Mp3 player.

It also helps to have separate beds as the snore vibrations are transmitted through the mattress.

Miljah · 29/08/2019 11:06

My DH uses one of these. It's not an attractive look but I think it saved our marriage.

To be genuinely considering ending relationship over snoring
StarShapedWindow · 29/08/2019 11:08

What Bubsworth said!

Flippetydip · 29/08/2019 11:18

Separate rooms are the way forward, if you have access to a spare room. There seems to be this thing about having to sleep together to prove you have a solid relationship but actually it was only the very poor in society who ever slept together (separate wing anyone?) historically.

I think a cuddle every night and conjugal visit (as and when) in a shared bed, followed by sleeping separately is not to be sniffed at.

Mushroomparty · 29/08/2019 11:36

Separate bedrooms. Cuddle in the evening and in the morning. Sorted. Make sure the walls are not paper thin.

Don't you dare sleeping on an uncomfortable couch or bed. He snores, he gets the least comfortable room :)

Marinetta · 29/08/2019 11:42

Obviously him losing weight will be the solution but that isn't going to happen overnight. As a temporary fix have you thought about seperate bedrooms? Or the sofa being his bed until he loses enough weight to stop snoring? If he goes to sleep on the sofa every night you won't have to bother waking him up or moving to the sofa yourself.

Bibidy · 29/08/2019 11:49

I play rain noises on a Bluetooth speaker to drown my OH out.

He's a snorer and I'm a light sleeper so I find this is the only thing that works.

nothingsreallynewunderthesun · 29/08/2019 11:56

It's a fairly new relationship presumably, as you're staying over not living together.

I honestly would give him the ultimatum to see the GP by X date or the relationship ends. You'll be doing him a favour anyway.

This is completely different to the situation arising in a long established couple. If you're only "dating" and staying over, no kids, not married, no joint home ownership, the tbh you can end the relationship for any reason whatsoever, it doesn't need to meet some objective standard of awfulness.

CurlyTwirlyTwos · 29/08/2019 12:13

Following with interest.

I thought this when I first stayed overnight with my (now) husband and whilst we were 'dating' in the early days. He is like a hurricane which can be heard ALL over the house through closed doors and ceilings. It seriously was nearly was a dealbreaker! However I stayed, and 9 years later and it's the source of (a fair) bit of my resentment. I have 'gotten used' and use a few tactics mentioned but I often end up on the sofa bed or spare room to this day. He sleeps soooo heavily too - NOTHING wakes him up. Once I went out with friends came home at 10.30 without my keys and he couldn't wake up through banging and shouting - 4 neighbours ALL heard me and came out. Not him. People are genuinely shocked at how loud he is!

Do not get my started on night shifts when out daughter was was a baby, even last night he didn't hear her. By the time I get up up for 'his turn' I am awake, annoyed and it almost seems like it's not worth it effort!

I love him, but I WISH I (we) had tackled this SERIOUSLY from the early days instead of 'putting up' with it and using tips and tactics. He shows no interest in losing weight (he's a bigger guy, but always has been, but doesn't play sport like he used to) and I feel we are to set in our ways with other priorities now......

OP - SORT it out (and share how you have managed)!,

SummerintoAutumn · 29/08/2019 12:17

The mouth guards from Boots are quite effective... you mould them yourself.

mumofamenagerie · 29/08/2019 12:25

Get him checked for sleep apnoea ASAP. Horrendous snoring is a classic sign. I have it but because of my sex (female), habits (active, non-smoker, non-drinker), age (thirties) and build (slim) it took forever to diagnose, but the change in my life has been amazing. He'll need to be referred to a sleep clinic for a study, but it's very very likely that he has sleep apnoea, which can be helped with a CPAP machine. It's not pretty but it stops the snoring and improves the quality of your sleep if you have sleep apnoea.

Cheeserton · 29/08/2019 12:32

I agree that if you're really thinking of ending it over this, that your commitment to this relationship is seriously lacking. I know first hand that this can be tough but really, you can't love him that much if this is your reaction.

TirisfalPumpkin · 29/08/2019 12:37

Following with interest and empathy for the OP.

In our case, it had to be separate rooms. I said I would never marry a snorer again. when my second husband started with the road drill noises, I didn’t divorce him but made it clear it was not my problem to either solve (dragging reluctant man through medical appts feels controlling, etc) or learn to accept; I don’t want stuff in my ears or to have to learn to sleep through noise loud enough to get the council noise team in it it was coming through the walls. I have done long term sleep deprivation because snorer’s sleep is supposedly more important, not doing it again.

He has been good about it and not sulked, and has pursued medical treatment for his throat issues. We still cuddle.

In my wing of the mansion (well, attic), I have a tatami mat and futon which is all mine and the cat’s, and I can go to sleep to ASMR videos without disturbing him. It works pretty well.

dementedpixie · 29/08/2019 12:43

My ds also got diagnosed with sleep apnoea and now has a CPAP machine