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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Must visit parents at their house Aibu?

49 replies

thecatinthetwat · 28/08/2019 23:12

Both my parents and my partners parents always try one way or another to get us to visit them at their house.

Does anyone else’s parents do this? Can anyone explain to me what the big deal is, I just don’t get it?

We have two little ones and no car. We can’t easily travel to either parents. They both can and do travel widely anyway. And we sometimes meet somewhere half way. Aibu to not get it?

OP posts:
SezziBaybee · 28/08/2019 23:14

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the request of the poster.

StoneofDestiny · 28/08/2019 23:15

Don't get it - tell them it's a problem managing two children without a car - then leave it to them

Original poster
thecatinthetwat · 28/08/2019 23:18

kids are small, visiting tricky, but you are happy to host.

I’ve said this over and over, but they just won’t let it go. I’ve asked why too, but they just make up a different excuse each time or say something disingenuous like ‘oh we just thought you could have a nice little holiday’.

OP posts:
steppemum · 28/08/2019 23:26

be blunt - we have 2 kids and no car, you have a car and no kids.
It is really easy for you to come to us and really hard for us to come to you.

Please come and see us, and save us the horrendous journey.

Then offer them 4 different dates with specific suggestions, eg come on Sunday for a BBQ on x or Y date. Or come and stay on this or that weekend etc.

Then wait.
If after a few months they haven't been to see you, say that to them - how come you never come and see us, the kids haven't seen you for 5 months!

Grobagsforever · 28/08/2019 23:27

Ummm yeah just stop pandering to their shit and don't visit them, have you no spine?

BriannaRandallFraserMackenzie · 28/08/2019 23:30

You need to state it again and refuse to change your mind - if they won’t come to you, they don’t get to see the children- it’s pretty simple. Obviously you could choose to go for say a special occasion but if they won’t make the effort to visit you then why should you make the effort to visit them?

CherrySocks · 28/08/2019 23:31

I can't think what the reason can be.

Have they ever been to your place? Did anything negative happen?

Did both sets of parents ever visit and the same time and not like each other's company? Are they afraid you will invite both sets of them together?!

Is there any reason why they wouldn't like your local area? eg they live in rural villages and they don't like urban environments?

Are all your chairs covered in chocolate and sticky stuff!?

motherbott · 29/08/2019 10:10

YANBU I don't get it and if it were me I'd stop going to their place. If they ask why tell them it's because you have two kids an no car. How exhausting for you to have to schlep around like that! They can visit you instead.

Seeline · 29/08/2019 10:19

How far away are both sets of parents?
Do you actually go and stay for a few days, or is it a day trip?
Are parents invited to stay for a few days or are they expected to do return day trip - maybe they would like to see hte children for longer?
How often do you see each other?
How old are the DCs?

Jemima232 · 29/08/2019 10:21

Is there something all of them do not like about your house?

Mind you I cannot think what it would be, to be fair.

Boyskeepswinging · 29/08/2019 10:31

My PILs didn't like visiting our house because they like their routine. I used to go out of my way to accommodate their routine, cooking meals I knew they'd like, changing our mealtimes to suit them etc but there was still no end of complaints "These carrots aren't like the ones we have at home" type stuff. The final straw was when they complained that we have different crockery to them and they preferred their own plates. They no longer visit us and that suits both parties.

howyoulikemenow · 29/08/2019 10:35

No, things like this piss me off. It's a common parent/grandparent thing I've found!

Grambler · 29/08/2019 10:43

MIL didn't see her youngest GC for 5 months because of this. I was playing chicken. I lost, because we went there in the end but point made. We had 3 other DC, school runs, working full time, pets, a spare en-suite room - granted she doesn't drive but is more than capable of getting on a coach to go on holiday .. instead we went there and slept 6 in one room/bed and spent the weekend taking turns to sit down and eat, and queuing for the single loo.

Pinktornado · 29/08/2019 10:43

I’ve found this too. They get set in their ways and don’t like getting routines disrupted. Also a control thing I think, as my DPs would prefer to stay in an Airbnb than with me or DSis.

Deelish75 · 29/08/2019 10:51

I think it could be thoughtlessness and stickler for routine, but I also think if they know how difficult it is for you they would naturally want to make it easier for you.

Unfortunately some parents take pleasure in seeing their adult children struggle and at times deliberately make life difficult.

I think you need to be very explicit in explaining to them how difficult it is for you and if they want to see you and their grandchildren they need to make much more of an effort - I’m not saying they always come to you but it definitely be more of a 50/50 split.

dayslikethese1 · 29/08/2019 10:55

Are they the type to want to take charge of things? If so, that is easier on their own turf. I'd go less often if I were you, suggesting that they visit in between and if they say no then that's their problem.

thecatsthecats · 29/08/2019 10:57

No, things like this piss me off. It's a common parent/grandparent thing I've found!

Yes. It genuinely puts me off having kids, because already MIL always engages in manoeuvres to have every get together she can at their house.

I get it - it IS more convenient to be at home. You can do your own thing until people arrive, potter about a bit when they're there, and don't have to travel. Which is why it's fair to take travelling and hosting in turns!

Luckily DH agrees with me that neither set of parents are going to be allowed any more than a monthly visit of sitting around grandparents house doing bugger all. Welcome to join us for activities, excursions etc, but no endless sitting around in other's houses!

TulipsTwoLips · 29/08/2019 11:02

We have this. More so with PIL than with my own family. Lots of excuses but mainly I think they are more comfortable/relaxed/familier/interested in their own home. It’s a shame because the less they come the less they will be all those things in our house! The thing that grates the most is that every excuse they make for not coming here, I could easily say about me going there. It’s sad as it is forcing my DH to almost have two separate lives.

Their favourite excuse is ‘we didn’t know if you’d be in’... 🤷🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️

TulipsTwoLips · 29/08/2019 11:02

*familiar!

BarbariansMum · 29/08/2019 11:06

Depending on their age it may be a whole host of reasons. They may be becoming less confident at driving long distance, or no longer feel able to drive at night/in the dark (night vision deteriorates with age).They may be less continent and prefer to deal with this at home. They may be less mobile and find your house/furniture difficult (my MiL really struggles to get up from a standard sofa these days, at her house everything is raised). They may find your home too cold, or noisy, or your spare bed may be uncomfortable (my dsis always wonders why no one visits her and it's because the house is always freezing and their sofa bed is like some kind of torture device). Finally, almost everyone when they age becomes more inflexible and more stressed by being out of routine- even if they were never like that before. It may be as "simple" as that.

The answer is to go and see them as often as you see reasonable, or you could try suggesting meeting halfway, or you could try talking to them about why they dont want to come to yours (but beware that they may not want to tell you the truth and you may find it upsetting if they do).

RubaDubMum89 · 29/08/2019 11:09

Could you propose that, they visit you next, then you to them etc. That way the burden isn't always on you. It's not ideal still, but, moving forward all parties involved are putting in some effort this way.

wibbletooth · 29/08/2019 11:11

As a minimum point out that you went to them last time so it is their turn to come to you this time.

What happened to them when you were little and they were parents - did you visit your grandparents or did they visit you/your dh?

thecatsthecats · 29/08/2019 11:59

It’s a shame because the less they come the less they will be all those things in our house!

To be fair, I think that's an unrealistic ambition.

I will never be as familiar with my in laws house as my own, and the journey will never be less than 40m. It's all very well being comfortable with them and knowing where everything is in the kitchen and where I can grab a loo roll if it needs refilling. Fact is, I will never feel ready to switch off for bed in their house (at least not whilst bloody DH can't drive so I always have to do it).

KUGA · 29/08/2019 12:31

Roads go two ways
Tell them that in a nice gentle way.

possumgoddess · 29/08/2019 16:27

As a grandparent I wish I was invited round to my daughter's house! We always seem to do all the hosting and quite frankly I find it exhausting - although I am happy to do it. Just for once it would be nice to be invited round there for Sunday lunch, or maybe for Christmas or even my birthday! I'm not naturally a neat and tidy person but I do like things to be nice especially when we have family/friends round and it's not exactly much of a birthday celebration if I have been rushing round tidying and cleaning beforehand. I don't know whether she thinks I prefer it, and I confess I do like things the way I do them.... but given the chance I might actually prefer things done her way and by her. I'm not a judgemental person and she knows that, so apart from the effort it takes to actually do it I'm not sure why it doesn't happen occasionally. Maybe she just doesn't think about it. She is an amazing person who looks after her family really well and I admire her, so it does make me a bit sad......