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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Must visit parents at their house Aibu?

49 replies

thecatinthetwat · 28/08/2019 23:12

Both my parents and my partners parents always try one way or another to get us to visit them at their house.

Does anyone else’s parents do this? Can anyone explain to me what the big deal is, I just don’t get it?

We have two little ones and no car. We can’t easily travel to either parents. They both can and do travel widely anyway. And we sometimes meet somewhere half way. Aibu to not get it?

OP posts:

Atlasta · 29/08/2019 16:35

My in-laws laws like us to visit as they like to think they have a 'nice' home and mil definitely likes the complements They also still like OH to call their house 'home' and I think they want dgc to feel comfortable and like it's their 'home' too.
They are always buying new things and buy toys etc that stay at their house. Similarly they have a bedroom for dgc all decked out that rarely gets used.

Strawberrycreamsundae · 29/08/2019 16:57

In 44 years of marriage, two house moves and still living only 14 miles away, my parents have actually visited us less than a dozen times. No excuse just an expectation that I would always visit them.
I have no idea why, they both used to drive but would only come to us if we collected them.
Pissed me off no end 😡

SnuggyBuggy · 29/08/2019 17:07

All you can do is start saying no. Or let your kids trash their house

madcatladyforever · 29/08/2019 17:08

My son and I live quite a distance and he doesn't drive so I mostly drive to his house. But it isn't a big deal he has come here by train before. We just dis cuss it and do what's easiest. I can't stand all that rigid routine nonsense. Life's too short.

AnybodyWantAChip · 29/08/2019 17:10

It's probably no more sinister than they want you to come home so they can have a noisy houseful again. It probably makes them happy.
Can they collect you and drive you home?

CassianAndor · 29/08/2019 17:13

as it's both sets of parents I have to say it seems likely that there's something about your home that they don't like. Do you have pets? It is (be honest) a bit grubby? Alternately, are you a clean-freak and it reeks of chemicals?

mumofone234 · 29/08/2019 17:21

My dad does this - it drives me up the effing wall. He’s constantly nagging that he wants to see DS so will we come over. They both have cars too, but they see it as my job to go to them for reasons that are beyond me.

Leeds2 · 29/08/2019 17:26

I would just say no when they next invite you, say you find the journey on public transport too difficult with small children but that they are very welcome to visit you. And keep on saying it - don't give in!
Maybe have a family party at your house when one of the children has a birthday, and invite both sets of parents round then.

sunshinesupermum · 29/08/2019 17:27

Fact is, I will never feel ready to switch off for bed in their house

Could be the reason why OP's inlaws feel this way? I go to DDs house far more than they come to me because she doesn't drive either, and frankly, I find it difficult to stay over which in the winter months I have to do as I am no longer confident of driving when it's dark.

A lot of older people tend to prefer the familiarity of their own homes, beds etc.

Frankola · 29/08/2019 17:29

My husbands entire family expect us to do the visiting. We have a toddler. They have no toddlers lol.

Hence the reason I haven't visited my in laws in a long while

coldlighthappier · 29/08/2019 17:31

So many of these types of threads could be solved with people just being a bit more direct/blunt

NoSauce · 29/08/2019 17:32

How far do they live? Would they have to stay over?

SaintWillibald · 29/08/2019 17:39

Just out of interest, did they always to visit their parents? Maybe it’s learned behaviour.

I would refuse to go to them in the future. Hopefully, they’ll come to you eventually.

MrsKoala · 29/08/2019 17:44

Pils never once visited us, they didn’t see their first grandchild till he was 4 months old. They liked their routine. Fil could ignore us and disappear for walks and naps and mil never had to get dressed. Their house was a filthy death trap for the kids too but it was massive and detached in the middle of nowhere and they liked the space. Ours was a 2 bed terrace then a 3 bed semi.

My parents also preferred us visiting them so they could go to the pub with their mates and they have a dog, which means they can never visit for longer than 5 hours even tho they live local to us now.

ExPils also did this, again, they liked routine, exMil went food shopping on Saturday etc and they hated London, thought it was dangerous and were scared of black people.

EllaEllaE · 29/08/2019 17:46

I have a sibling like this. They have never once visited any of the homes I lived in. I once lived in the street next to theirs literally five minutes walk away and they still never came over, despite invites. If I see them, I have to go to their house. It's just rude.

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 29/08/2019 17:46

My parents did this- for them it was absolutely a power/status thing. They felt that I "owed" them and should wait on them, and were generally very offended and quite aggressive if I gently suggested that they could visit us instead. They had a car each, plenty of money and no responsibilities, whereas I couldn't drive or afford a car and had four children and a full time job.
They feel the same after they moved somewhere very remote (still in the UK but a week's visit for the 6 of us would cost £2000 and involve 2 ferries so I'm not bloody going!). They are genuinely expecting my older teenager to go to a college near them and move in with them. He is horrified at the idea and remembers very clearly how rarely they bothered with him before he was old enough to be useful to them.

NChangingAgain · 29/08/2019 18:13

All of our 4 sets of parents are pretty much like this.

For some, laziness, for some, I think it's to with the power dynamic somehow - if we go there we're still the "children" in the relationship whereas if they're in our home maybe it's more of an equal relationship/ they have less power. Something like that.

LovePoppy · 29/08/2019 18:17

That’s oddly controlling behaviour

Original poster

thecatinthetwat · 29/08/2019 18:47

Ok, thanks everyone!

We don't go very often, but the insistence that we should never fades. We have decided to say no to the most recent request - thanks everyone

To answer some questions..

Its about 2 hours by car but 3.5 hours by public transport.

The house is ok, not amazing, not super clean, nothing remarkable, not cold.

Parents and pils are never here together. Just the thought of that

Parents and pils are very different, so I can't think of anything they have in common, except being a bit, erm, entitled and uncompromising

We did go to visit GPs when we were young because back then it was the GPs who didn't have a car / couldn't drive. Maybe this has set an expectation?

I can't remember any other questions..?

OP posts:

PanamaPattie · 29/08/2019 18:54

Just don't go to see them. If they want to see you they can make the effort. You'll soon find out if they can't be bothered and you can live your life accordingly.

Original poster

thecatinthetwat · 29/08/2019 18:58

for some, I think it's to with the power dynamic somehow - if we go there we're still the "children" in the relationship whereas if they're in our home maybe it's more of an equal relationship/ they have less power. Something like that.

Yeah, I kinda think it is this tbh. I think maybe they like doing the cooking and hosting etc. that way, they are 'in charge' of everything and we are still the 'children'.

It's frustrating because I would rather not host in many ways, but I just can't do that journey with little ones any more. Last time, our train got cancelled and it took us an extra 2 hours! It was awful.

OP posts:

motherbott · 29/08/2019 21:37

Ugh 3.5 hours by public transport... with toddlers?!?!
I am furious for you.

IAskTooManyQuestions · 29/08/2019 21:45

Probably both sets of parents think if it as their children (and families) coming home.

This will always be my children home, no matter how old they are, or how many children of their own they have.

Presumably your 3.5 hours on public transport is an over night stay? or even a mini break?

Howlovely · 29/08/2019 22:00

Could it be that they like the bragging rights of being able to tell their neighbours/friends that their daughter/son brings the family on the train to visit every month or whatever? My grandmother could be a bit like that. She'd literally sit at home and wait for the phone to ring, getting crosser and crosser, rather than pick it up and ring one of us.
The mother of one of my friends always tries to make her feel guilty because 'Marjorie next door' (who I feel I know intimately now despite never meeting her!) has her daughter visit every week with her kids and her son takes her out to have her hair done and lunch every other Thursday, etc. It could be, as a PP said, that they are it as a status thing, people flock to visit them, the most senior members of the family, not the other way round?

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