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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is she depressed or just downright lazy!

45 replies

JP888 · 28/08/2019 16:26

Need to have a long rant! I moved with my son in with DH and his daughter (who is 20 now) ... She started a college course 2 years ago and quit after a year, without telling her dad. He said she would need to find a job then; which is reasonable. She worked at a phone store for 3 months, and then it stopped...she didn't explain why, just that she was only contracted for 3 months! We didn't find out till after 5 months, when I got I'll and had to take some sick leave (she wasn't leaving for work!). That was last August 2018...she's not done a day's work since...doesn't help around the house... doesn't even leave her bedroom. She has a cat, that doesn't leave her bedroom either!! It lives in her room with the litter tray Sad I've spoken to DH over and over again about her attitude towards life in general, she expects it all to come to her! Everytime he attempts to talk to her about cleaning out her room, (which is like tip, really full of all sorts of rubbish, don't think it's been emptied since last Christmas, if that...ladies, let your imagination flow!She only showers every 2 days, to put it lightly, she does smell! I get toiletries, as a subtle hint, but it falls in vain.) She rants and says he shouldn't be going into her room, it's invading her private space! Then rants she's depressed. He suggests going to the doctor for medical support...she's just rude and defiant. She's been going on about being depressed etc for well over few years, yet will not make the effort of seeing the doctor. Made her appointment's, which she fails to go. She's 20!
When he asks about job hunting, replies are always the same ' I've applied for jobs, but don't hear anything!'
She said to me that she had set up as a sole trader, doing commission artwork and charges no less than £30 per piece, but I know she hasn't sold anything as I spotted that she asked DH for money to pay for her phone bill!
She doesn't eat with rest of us , I have to leave it in the microwave, for when she wants to eat!
She has a girlfriend (who is on meds for schisophenia; who lives in the states), and taken upon herself to change her sleep pattern to match USA time. Dsd mentioned that any money she does have goes on to help her friend pay for the meds!!!
My ds is 16, looking to apply to sign up to the military next year... he'll be flying the nest before dsd ever will!
The list is endless with her...and I hate nagging at DH about her...anyone else having issues like this, or just me?? The plight of the era of the millennials!!?

OP posts:
DerbyshireGirly · 28/08/2019 16:31

She does sound as though she could be depressed or have some issues going on.

Also at 20 she isn't a millennial. Don't know why older people feel the need to make these kind of comments when there's plenty of millennials who are perfectly productive members of society.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 28/08/2019 16:32

Is she receiving any professional help for her depression? Meds or counselling? Has she even seen her GP?

Just trying to work out if she genuinely has mental health issues or not.

Stressedout10 · 28/08/2019 16:32

Someone needs to leave you or her I suggest her but will probably have to be you
Oh and yes shes a lazy cfucker

mbosnz · 28/08/2019 16:35

Well, when she gets to the GP and gets assessed as depressed, then she's depressed.

Until then, I think it's fair to work on the belief that she's being a lazy fucker and treat her accordingly.

If nothing else, could motivate her to go to the GP.

bigchris · 28/08/2019 16:35

She's definitely got issues

I guess you didn't realise before you moved your son in with her

bigchris · 28/08/2019 16:36

I'd tell dh you're moving out tbh

mbosnz · 28/08/2019 16:37

She'd also be a hungry one with me. Buggered if I'd be leaving tea in the microwave for her - if she wants to eat, come out and eat, if not, make your own arrangements.

Pinkblueberry · 28/08/2019 16:37

It could be both. She does sound lazy and like she’s trying to dodge having to work properly, but really her behaviour is strange so I wouldn’t rule out mental health issues. I would definitely urge again to see a GP, it’s no good self diagnosing depression, doing nothing about it and then using it as an excuse to vegetate away in your bedroom. Do you know what she does in there all day?

aquarianaura · 28/08/2019 16:42

Completely agree with Derby on everything there!

You sound incredibly judgemental and disapproving more than you do worried. It doesn't sound as though either you nor your husband are really trying to help at all, more just moaning at her and likely making her worse.

There are lots of ways to support someone with these issues, you can Google local support and services for a start. Open a real conversation, don't just tell her what she should be doing. Ask her what you can do for her.

This sounds typical for a person with depression. When I was at my worst I couldn't go to the doctor either. When I did, because I was suicidal, they gave me a self help leaflet and sent me on my way despite diagnosing me with clinical depression. I regretted it and will not go back for mental health issues.

Try to see things from her perspective. Just because something is easy for you (or your brilliant angelic son!) it doesn't mean it is for her, or anyone else for that matter.

HolidayStartsMonday · 28/08/2019 16:44

Sounds like she's depressed, but she might need some tough love from her father to help her get some motivation to sort it out.

If I was him, I'd be saying that she can only stay another 3 months and in that time she needs to clean her room. When the 3 months is up, room must be clean and tidy, and she must then start paying rent weekly for the room (she's 20, most 20 year olds pay rent). If she can't or won't your DH should be asking her to leave. DH can take her to view some properties and take her to the council if she needs council support. Is she getting benefits? Some of that money should be going on paying for her food and rent. If it's not - your DH needs to help her get a job or at least the benefits she's entitled to while she looks, and then she does need to start paying him.

I would also make it a condition that within the next 3 months she visits the GP about her mood.

GammaStingRay · 28/08/2019 16:45

She can be both depressed and lazy.

If she’s not getting treatment for depression then she’s being unreasonable as her actions, which she blames on depression, are negatively impacting everyone else in the house. There’s help out there she could access.

However as your DH’s daughter, not yours, you’re really unlikely to be able to have any say or sway in this situation. If I were him I’d be making it clear she got treatment or got a job and started pulling her weight around the house or it was time to move out and stop freeloading. But as her stepmum you don’t have the ability to enforce that.

I would honestly explain to your DH if things don’t change you’re finding somewhere else to live as you didn’t sign up to live in a home with someone acting like she is and if she’s not willing to change and he’s enabling her you can’t be around it for your sake and your son’s.

savingshoes · 28/08/2019 16:52

Can't the locks be changed and she is turned out every morning at 09:30am and no one let's her in until 5.30pm?

She can do what she likes then... might include a GP apt or a job but unlikely.

Sounds more spoilt and enabled rather than lazy and depressed.

DoomsdayCult · 28/08/2019 16:55

Frankly she ticks multiple boxes for depression.

  • poor personal hygiene
  • isolation behaviours- in bed, pushing loved ones away with rude behaviour and angry rants
  • unable to focus making it difficult to find/ keep a job
  • too fatigued to do basic housekeeping but so embarrassed unwilling to ask for help doing said cleaning and tidying. Gets angry if approached on it.
  • vulnerable to having their money taken. Depressed people have such low self worth, they will often give their money away (friend in US). If they start giving possessions away as well as money that’s is common suicide preparation behaviour.
  • afraid to see a doctor because know that if they are detained under mental health act, there is huge stigma against them. Would rather be in denial of the seriousness of their condition.

Honestly, her father (with your support) needs to take her health more seriously. Someone will need to get her to a GP. Or if she cannot do that right now to call a mental health help line
www.nhs.uk/conditions/stress-anxiety-depression/mental-health-helplines/

Original poster
JP888 · 28/08/2019 16:57

Thank you all for your thoughts...thank you aquarianaura we are supporting her, in more ways than we should ...making appointments, as she requested, but we can't physically drag her out of her room, we even managed to get someone to come out talk with her...but, when you're met with shouting and blasphemy from behind a door, it's difficult to go any further...her self diagnosis is all from the handbook of Google... DH asked her what she wanted, she said she wants to move to USA, good to have goals, but you need to go towards them.

OP posts:
DoomsdayCult · 28/08/2019 17:00

@GammaStingRay
“If she’s not getting treatment for depression then she’s being unreasonable...”

Sorry, but I want to point out that this is an unrealistic expectation for anyone suffering from moderate to severe depression. If it’s mild, yes the person is mentally capable of gettIng treatment. But many sufferers cannot even get a shower or brush their hair, and barely can get out of bed to use the loo and eat. They are not capable of getting treatment without help from a carer.

EileenAlanna · 28/08/2019 17:04

How long have you lived there? Much of what you've said comes under the heading of not actually your business. It's up to her & her father to sort most of this out, not you.

CaMePlaitPas · 28/08/2019 17:05

She sounds like she needs you and your DH to parent OP, not sit on the internet feeling smug and morally superior.

Your tone is quite frankly condescending and I'm not surprised she pushes back at you in this way.

candycane222 · 28/08/2019 17:05

Id be worried about the sending the money abroad thing? Is this someone she has met, or just an online friend ( who may be concealing their true identity) . The fact she has switches her waking hours to us time suggests an unhealthy level either
of dependency, or even control. I know how hard it is to gain the ear and trust of dcs this age to discuss this kond of thing, but actually I think you and dh should both drop the confrontation s and he should try to find out what is actually going on wi th her. It doesn't sound as though she is either happy or coping.

DoomsdayCult · 28/08/2019 17:09

She may actually be bipolar...
She seems to have highs where she’s embarks on something new & challenging and the thing gets progressively unrealistic- college course, phone shop job, entrepreneur artist, now move to USA

In between, she has lows where she cannot even function,

most bi polar people during their lows are desperately miserable and will cocoon themselves away in fear of killing themselves. They also have massive temper outbursts.

She really needs to see a professional. She doesn’t have to live like this.

NeverSayFreelance · 28/08/2019 17:12

She does sound as though she may be depressed or bipolar, and as someone who waited a year before seeing a doctor about my own mental health, it is not always so simple as just "go get assessed at the GP". Depression is a lot more complicated than that.

Re the person in America, you say girlfriend and then say friend. Is this a romantic partner? Or a friend who is a girl? Because, and this might sound mad, I've known quite a few depressed people who ended up in long distance online relationships basically because you get the emotional support of a relationship but don't have to leave the house. It's a tell tale sign of a problem:

GammaStingRay · 28/08/2019 17:13

DoomsdayCult OP has tried to help, made appointments she hasn’t attended. At a certain point if someone isn’t able or willing to help themselves the motivation for their behaviours ceases to be something an outsider can concern themselves with, it’s the behaviour that needs addressing when she’s living with others and it’s impacting them too.

DoomsdayCult · 28/08/2019 17:14

OP- the important thing to remember is that people do not choose to be mentally ill. They cannot help being unable to shower, unable to feed themselves, unable to work, etc. Part of their anger & rudeness stems from their own frustration at how they are not in control but society’s stigma says they should be and they should just “get on with things” or they are weak and lazy.

GammaStingRay · 28/08/2019 17:14

And btw, I’ve suffered personally from severe depression. Wouldn’t have made it okay to have treated the people I lived with like crap or freeloaded from them while expecting them to finance me sitting around all day :)

DoomsdayCult · 28/08/2019 17:18

@GammaStingRay
Sorry, but a stepmother and father are not “outsiders” who can simply wash their hands of a mentally ill daughter. And you cannot address the behaviour without addressing the root cause of it....which has numerous red flags pointing to a serious mental illness. Any approach treating mentally illness as a behavioural issue tends to result in tragedy.

Chlosavxox · 28/08/2019 17:20

‘Going to the doctors’ isn’t as simple as it sounds, trust me. I can’t really make a decision on her mental health as I’m only hearing one side, but to me it feels like she’s showing a lot of symptoms and is literally telling you how she feels and isn’t really getting much sympathy. I get that you’ve tried making her go to the doctors etc but has she actually got any emotional support? Maybe she’s speaking to this girl from the US, changing her bed time schedule because she feels like she’s the only person she can talk to.