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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is she depressed or just downright lazy!

45 replies

JP888 · 28/08/2019 16:26

Need to have a long rant! I moved with my son in with DH and his daughter (who is 20 now) ... She started a college course 2 years ago and quit after a year, without telling her dad. He said she would need to find a job then; which is reasonable. She worked at a phone store for 3 months, and then it stopped...she didn't explain why, just that she was only contracted for 3 months! We didn't find out till after 5 months, when I got I'll and had to take some sick leave (she wasn't leaving for work!). That was last August 2018...she's not done a day's work since...doesn't help around the house... doesn't even leave her bedroom. She has a cat, that doesn't leave her bedroom either!! It lives in her room with the litter tray I've spoken to DH over and over again about her attitude towards life in general, she expects it all to come to her! Everytime he attempts to talk to her about cleaning out her room, (which is like tip, really full of all sorts of rubbish, don't think it's been emptied since last Christmas, if that...ladies, let your imagination flow!She only showers every 2 days, to put it lightly, she does smell! I get toiletries, as a subtle hint, but it falls in vain.) She rants and says he shouldn't be going into her room, it's invading her private space! Then rants she's depressed. He suggests going to the doctor for medical support...she's just rude and defiant. She's been going on about being depressed etc for well over few years, yet will not make the effort of seeing the doctor. Made her appointment's, which she fails to go. She's 20!
When he asks about job hunting, replies are always the same ' I've applied for jobs, but don't hear anything!'
She said to me that she had set up as a sole trader, doing commission artwork and charges no less than £30 per piece, but I know she hasn't sold anything as I spotted that she asked DH for money to pay for her phone bill!
She doesn't eat with rest of us , I have to leave it in the microwave, for when she wants to eat!
She has a girlfriend (who is on meds for schisophenia; who lives in the states), and taken upon herself to change her sleep pattern to match USA time. Dsd mentioned that any money she does have goes on to help her friend pay for the meds!!!
My ds is 16, looking to apply to sign up to the military next year... he'll be flying the nest before dsd ever will!
The list is endless with her...and I hate nagging at DH about her...anyone else having issues like this, or just me?? The plight of the era of the millennials!!?

OP posts:

Sakura7 · 28/08/2019 17:21

Agree with a PP, a lot of the behaviours you describe are symptoms of depression. And it can take someone a long time to pluck up the courage to go to the GP about it, but I think you and DH will have to keep encouraging her to do it.

Is her mum in the picture at all? Is she supportive?

DoomsdayCult · 28/08/2019 17:25

@GammaStingRay
Sorry to hear you too have had Severe depression. I have as well and was involuntarily detained under the mental health act in a mental hospital for several months. I was actively suicidal & attempted suicide by wrecking my car a few times.

I’m not saying it is ok to treat your family like crap or freeload while depressed, just that not everyone with depression is even in a place for that to register much less do anything about it. I remember coming out of depression and being shocked that I literally had no memory of an entire year of my life. I also had psychosis too so even the memories I do have are questionable as to their reality.

Redlocks28 · 28/08/2019 17:26

DH is depressed but refuses to see a GP about it. This is because after an episode of work-related depression years ago, when he visited the GP and was given tablets, this flagged up with a life insurance policy for our mortgage and caused lots of problems with high premiums.

SandyY2K · 28/08/2019 17:27

Okay...a few questions to try and see what might be going on with her.

How well did you know her before you moved in? About how long were you with her dad before marriage?

Did you have a good relationship with her before you moved in?

Does she get on well with your DS?

These could be contributing to the way she isolates herself.

Is her mum in her life? It doesn't sound like it and that could also be part of the problem.

Does she have any friends over here?

Can I ask if her art is good? It is possible for her to make money from it, as know someone who does.

You don't have to answer the questions, but it could give you something to think about.

Also... her upbringing and childhood could be a factor too. If she's not had a secure base..felt abandoned or lacked in confidence, seeing her dad have a whole new life could be making her feel less important to him.

Things aren't always so straightforward. I'm not laying any blame BTW... just that her life experiences to date could be key.

MoaningMinnie1 · 28/08/2019 17:27

The girl certainly does sound as though she is depressed. I've been like her in the past (apart from having my cat living in my bedroom with litter tray, I didn't do that). It's difficult for others to understand. I too was considered 'lazy' yet I was far from lazy when well. Depression saps all your energy, you constantly think, "Tomorrow I'll do....", and want to sleep. Poor girl.

She needs help. You've obviously tried to help but please incorporate other agencies because she isn't getting any better.

I'm sorry you have this problem, I know it must be difficult for you.

swingofthings · 28/08/2019 17:35

She certainly sounds depressed in a suffering from very low self-esteem way. The more you point out her inadequacies, the deeper she seeks believing that she is worthless. She is not going to the GP because she is ashamed and scared they'll patronise her like you and her dad are doing.
Not blaming you at all. Living with people like this is very disheartening and frustrating, but yes, she is probably suffering deeply.

The best way to make things better is doing the exact of what your instinct tells you to do. Ignore all the bad bits and point out the good, making her feel that there is someone there who is worthy of being akongstvoteurs and appreciated. It's a slow process, but once her self-esteem goes up, she could turn into a totally different person.

CallieCat19 · 28/08/2019 17:38

I think your being really unfair. She’s showing a lot of signs of depression and instead of being met with love and support she’s just got judgment. I get you’ve made doctors appointments but when your depressed it isn’t as easy as going to an appointment. You need to support her and let her go at her own pace, you can’t force someone to get better and by trying to force it you will just make things worse. Maybe you should have some more compassion for a kid going through a hard time than judging her and bitching to your partner about it.

Also, I really don’t think bragging about your son and what he’s doing and comparing them will help anything. And the comment about millennials just comes across obnoxious.

PinkFlowerFairy · 28/08/2019 17:42

Id have all the questions Sandy has...

She sounds really depressed and in need of feeling like someone's on her side. Presumably her dads not really been fighting her corner for her?

SugarNyx · 28/08/2019 17:42

Non depressed people do not enjoy sitting around all day doing nothing. Ofc she’s depressed! If you spent less time judging her and more time trying to help, maybe you’ll get somewhere.

SweatyPie · 28/08/2019 17:53

I feel really sorry for her... if my parents sat around bitching about me I think I'd shit myself in my room too.

It's also not that easy to just whip up a job in the microwave. Depending on where you live, they can be very competitive in retail, especially in the summer. She likely feels like a failure.

And she's definitely anxious or depressed. Whoever said she's a 'CF' - don't be so ridiculous! If she really was a bratty teen you'd expect her to be out clubbing everyday or something not moping in her room.

LannieDuck · 28/08/2019 17:58

What does she do all day?

Presumably she leaves her room to empty the cat litter tray?

Witchinaditch · 28/08/2019 18:05

That sounds awful! What does you DH say? She could well be depressed or lazy or both! Maybe talk to her and say she needs to get help for the depression or a job and contribute Either one will be fine

360eyes · 28/08/2019 18:23

She sounds depressed and possibly being exploited by GF in USA (it happens more than you think). The first thing to do is pull the plug on the internet for some of the day and not give her any money (it will most likely go on phone data). If she wants those things she needs to go to the doctor and work with them if she is depressed. Sometimes people do get in a rut and need a push in the right direction.

Nautiloid · 28/08/2019 18:28

She sounds like she needs help. Look at it this way, her life isn't very pleasant for her, is it? I think you are coming across as very judgemental towards someone who is clearly overwhelmed by the real world.
Even if she is 'just lazy', what you're doing to date isn't working, so something needs to change.
I would try sitting down with her and asking how she is...is she happy? What if anything would she like to do with her time, even something tiny. Would she be interested in volunteering with animals perhaps? Or just going to the zoo for the day?

PinkFlowerFairy · 28/08/2019 18:41

From experience, its awful being ill and living with people who put you down/judge you, and feeling trapped and unable to move out.

Aprillygirl · 28/08/2019 18:45

Sounds to me like she's suffering with depression and perhaps anxiety too, and could do with some support rather than judgement. Where is her mother? Could you, she or your DH actually make a doctors appointment for her and then offer to accompany her. She may just need a bit of a push and some moral support. Of course it could be that she is just lazy, but I'd be surprised if a young woman would chose the sort of life she is living to be honest.

Aprillygirl · 28/08/2019 19:39

Well, when she gets to the GP and gets assessed as depressed, then she's depressed.

That's bullshit. I suffered with depression for over 5 years before finally plucking up the courage to spill all to the doctors, and I'm sure there are many more suffering in silence. Equally I'm sure there are lazy fuckers out there who have faked depression so a diagnosis isn't everything.

isadoradancing123 · 28/08/2019 20:24

Deoressed or not, you are enabling her to act and live like this

Sakura7 · 28/08/2019 21:25

Comments like this:

Deoressed or not, you are enabling her to act and live like this

And this:

Maybe talk to her and say she needs to get help for the depression or a job and contribute Either one will be fine

highlight how there is still such a lack of understanding around depression and mental illness in general. Tough love, 'pep talks' and ultimatums do not snap a person out of depression. Maybe if she feels genuinely supported emotionally she will open up and be more likely to get treatment. The kind of lazy judgement she is receiving from her family so far is only going to make her feel worse.

ElizaDee · 28/08/2019 22:01

Have you posted about her before? I remember your thread, if so. Wasn't he bankrolling her?

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