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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Boyfriend’s friend touching me inappropriately

51 replies

StressedOut101 · 28/08/2019 00:11

Am I overreacting? This is a bit of a weird post but I’ve not really got anyone I feel I can talk to about it, so please be gentle.

My boyfriend and I have been in a relationship for 6 years and we’re both 24. His friend (who is also his flatmate) has recently broken up with his long term girlfriend. On the bank holiday weekend we all stayed up very late one night chatting about life and having a bit of a heart to heart. My boyfriend and I weren’t drinking alcohol but his friend was and he got very drunk.

We were all sat on the sofa and the flatmate started stroking my shoulder, then my back, and also my leg (trying to get higher up my thigh). I thought nothing of it at first when it was just my shoulder, I accepted he was very drunk and I didn’t want to make a big thing of it in the hope he wouldn’t remember it the next day anyway. I got quite uncomfortable with it as he got more and more and kept on getting up to walk around. My boyfriend saw after a while and he moved so that I could sit on the otherside of him on the sofa and not next to the flatmate. Even after that his flatmate kept on staring at me for well over an hour.

When I went to bed I didn’t really think much of it knowing that his friend was very drunk and would never normally do anything like that. However, as the last few days have gone by I have felt more and more uncomfortable about it and now feel very anxious about seeing the flat mate again. It even caused me to have a panic attack earlier today. My boyfriend thinks we should just forget about it so that it goes away, but I think we need to mention something to the flatmate? Should I just forget about it?

I’ve known the flatmate for a few years now and regard him as (a distant) friend but nothing more.

I have a bit of a history of anxiety so am I stressing out over nothing? Confused

OP posts:
Likethebattle · 28/08/2019 00:16

I’d chalk once up to being very drunk but I would try not to be alone with him and if he does it again you ask him firmly to stop. ‘John please stop touching me it’s making me uncomfortable and I don’t want you to touch me!’

Cherrysoup · 28/08/2019 00:18

Difficult to say. When you next see him, keep away and if you’re in a situation where he’s likely to get drunk, keep a fair distance or better yet, don’t be in that situation.

ThatssomebadhatHarry · 28/08/2019 00:21

Yanbu and have a right to be angry. But with both of them. His inappropriate actions and your boyfriends indifference.

Totototoro · 28/08/2019 00:22

Have you asked your boyfriend why he didn't speak up when he saw this happening?

lololove · 28/08/2019 00:22

I'm sorry this is happening to you. Do you feel strong enough to draw attention to it every time - loudly when people are around too? "Stop touching me." "Flatmate, I've asked you already. STOP touching me." to draw attention to his behaviour before it can get to a dangerous level and show him that he won't get what he thinks he will. It'll also show other people what an arse he is too and hopefully get their help to stop it should he continue.

If he won't stop or he repeats it it's definitely time to look at living arrangements. It's all on him and his fault.

lololove · 28/08/2019 00:23

Definitely do not 'just forget about it'. Your boyfriend is VERY wrong there and it's cruel to you. He needs to know how bad it made you feel.

Original poster
StressedOut101 · 28/08/2019 00:29

Thank you, I feel a bit better now I’ve got it off my chest, but it’s still keeping me awake.
It was only my boyfriend, his flatmate and I there, so there wasn’t anyone to make a scene to.
I think part of the problem is that we’re both very introverted, so we were worried about confronting the situation. Plus in my head I thought if I didn’t say anything it would be more likely that the flatmate wouldn’t remember it in the morning, so that it was less awkward... but stupid now I think about it. I keep thinking about whether he’ll remember it or not and therefore whether he feels equally as awkward.

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Original poster
StressedOut101 · 28/08/2019 00:30

The whole situation makes me feel sick to my stomach. Sad

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BoopBoopedooBoo · 28/08/2019 00:30

That's so sad.

My partner's best (female) friend has casually assaulted me on more than one occasion, and I dismissed it the first time because of what she did, but the second time was a huge problem for me and I think the fact she had done something else to me previously compounded my reaction.

My partner had to talk to her about it because I started to have panic attacks about being touched, I have a history of abuse and it all welled up and burst.

Neither of us hear from her now. Which I don't find the hugest shame, she was a massive drain on everyone.

Your boyfriend needs to talk to his flatmate about what happened because drunk or not, that's not OK.

I hope you're OK. Know that what he did is not OK at all.

SavingSpaces2019 · 28/08/2019 00:36

Being drunk is no excuse.
He knew what he was doing because he persisted in touching you in different places.
He knew your boyfriend was sat right there.

He knows you're both too 'introverted' to say/do anything.
This won't be the only time he does something like this.

Derbee · 28/08/2019 00:36

Everyone has a right to feel uncomfortable with whatever makes them feel uncomfortable, so YANBU.

If it was me, I would put it down to being stupidly drunk, and see what he is like normally. If he’s fine, I’d just move on. If he’s touching you, or making you feel uncomfortable in any way, I think you should say something. It doesn’t have to be overly confrontational if you are nervous, but you are well within you rights to say “can you stop that, it makes me uncomfortable”.

I’m absolutely not minimising, as you obviously felt uncomfortable. But I would judge him on his sober behaviour going forward, and see what sort of person he is.

AnotherEmma · 28/08/2019 00:37

The friend/flatmate's behaviour was completely inappropriate and drunkenness is no excuse.
Your boyfriend's reaction is very bizarre, he should have been angry with his friend/flat mate for being so inappropriate and making you feel uncomfortable.
I think both of you should have said something to the guy, if not immediately then the next day. I can understand why you didn't say anything as you probably felt shocked, awkward and embarrassed. But am finding it more difficult to understand why your boyfriend didn't say anything.
If one of you says something to him then hopefully he would be mortified, apologise and promise not to do it again, then you would feel reassured and might feel ok about being around him again.
But given that his actions have gone unchallenged and your boyfriend seems to have shown no interest in stopping it happening again, I suggest that you just don't go to his place (not unless the friend/flat mate is away). He can go to your place.
And if he's not willing to talk to his friend/flatmate but still insists on you going to his place, you need to seriously reconsider the relationship.
You (and all women) deserve to have boundaries respected and to feel safe and comfortable in the company of partners and friends (well we deserve to feel safe and comfortable EVERYWHERE but all the more so in a "home" environment).
Flowers

Original poster
StressedOut101 · 28/08/2019 00:43

Sorry to hear about your situation boob.

I was shocked that my boyfriend didn’t say anything at the time, but I was also very relieved that he didn’t because my head wasn’t really sure what was going on. Weirdly I found it all quite confusing.

I’ve not seen the flatmate since and my boyfriend has only seen him in passing because he’s now working away for a while. I did ask him earlier today to say something to him but he says he doesn’t have a clue what to say or where to start.

OP posts:
Original poster
StressedOut101 · 28/08/2019 00:44

Thinking about it more and more just makes me want to cry about it!! But I’m an emotional person which doesn’t help!

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Original poster
StressedOut101 · 28/08/2019 00:44

Also I forgot to say thank you to you all for being so understanding

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Original poster
StressedOut101 · 28/08/2019 00:45

boop not boob... sorry, autocorrect!
Well at least something made me chuckle!

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AnotherEmma · 28/08/2019 00:46

We all get emotional, different people have different triggers, but your emotions are absolutely valid. I would feel upset about this too. Flowers

Wehttam · 28/08/2019 00:47

I think he and your BF were testing the water for a threesome 🤔

savingshoes · 28/08/2019 00:51

I agree with lololove and you are not stressing over nothing... sounds more like you're having a healthy reaction to being in a position you didn't want to be in.
He attempted to take advantage of you front of your BF. That's so many redflags and I'm surprised it didn't result in an argument between your BF and the flatmate.
Now he's sober you can both challenge the flatmate together, a United front and then set some ground rules to move forward.

You didn't visit your BF to be touched up by his flatmate.
Regardless of how heartbroken the flatmate is, you are not his play thing.
You should feel safe in the home you visit your BF in.
Perhaps this guy was trying to sabotage your relationship so your BF can also be single and he's not alone... this is the NICEST reason I can think of why an adult would slide his hand up the leg of his flatmate's GF.

sprouts21 · 28/08/2019 00:52

I agree with wehttam.

AnotherEmma · 28/08/2019 00:54

Some suggestions for your boyfriend

Conciliatory version

"Look, this is a bit awkward I'm afraid, but we need to talk about the other night. You kept stroking which was inappropriate and made her feel very uncomfortable. I don't want her to feel anxious about coming over when you're here. Please can you promise me that it won't happen again?"

Confrontational version

"Do you fancy ? Why were you trying to touch and stroke her the other night? Did you think she wouldn't mind? Did you think I wouldn't notice?"

Obviously I recommend the first version, but the second version would be fair enough!

Derbee · 28/08/2019 01:00

Also OP, if you are anxious anyway, please don’t let silly comments like @Wehttam and @sprouts21 make you question your boyfriend’s motivation if you trust him.

He shouldn’t feel so awkward that he doesn’t stand up for you, but for a stranger to accuse him of trying to test the water or pressure you into a threesome is totally overstepping the mark.

You know your boyfriend.

Original poster
StressedOut101 · 28/08/2019 01:01

Thanks for the advice, it’s really helpful and is sort of putting my mind at ease. I’ll talk to my boyfriend about it again tomorrow.

I absolutely do not believe that my boyfriend would be part of trying to make me join a threesome. I’ve been through multiple health issues and other personal issues over the last few years and he knows my insecurities. I don’t believe that he would put me in that situation, I trust him completely.

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savingshoes · 28/08/2019 01:01

he says he doesn’t have a clue what to say or where to start

"Mate, can we meet for a (soft) drink - we need to talk about the other night"
When you both meet him: The other night when you were drunk, you assaulted my GF... what was going on in that head of yours?!

Original poster
StressedOut101 · 28/08/2019 01:02

It’s unexpectedly made me feel quite vulnerable and being home alone tonight is making my mind go a bit wild.

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