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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Boyfriend’s friend touching me inappropriately

51 replies

StressedOut101 · 28/08/2019 00:11

Am I overreacting? This is a bit of a weird post but I’ve not really got anyone I feel I can talk to about it, so please be gentle.

My boyfriend and I have been in a relationship for 6 years and we’re both 24. His friend (who is also his flatmate) has recently broken up with his long term girlfriend. On the bank holiday weekend we all stayed up very late one night chatting about life and having a bit of a heart to heart. My boyfriend and I weren’t drinking alcohol but his friend was and he got very drunk.

We were all sat on the sofa and the flatmate started stroking my shoulder, then my back, and also my leg (trying to get higher up my thigh). I thought nothing of it at first when it was just my shoulder, I accepted he was very drunk and I didn’t want to make a big thing of it in the hope he wouldn’t remember it the next day anyway. I got quite uncomfortable with it as he got more and more and kept on getting up to walk around. My boyfriend saw after a while and he moved so that I could sit on the otherside of him on the sofa and not next to the flatmate. Even after that his flatmate kept on staring at me for well over an hour.

When I went to bed I didn’t really think much of it knowing that his friend was very drunk and would never normally do anything like that. However, as the last few days have gone by I have felt more and more uncomfortable about it and now feel very anxious about seeing the flat mate again. It even caused me to have a panic attack earlier today. My boyfriend thinks we should just forget about it so that it goes away, but I think we need to mention something to the flatmate? Should I just forget about it?

I’ve known the flatmate for a few years now and regard him as (a distant) friend but nothing more.

I have a bit of a history of anxiety so am I stressing out over nothing?

OP posts:

AnotherEmma · 28/08/2019 01:09

Has anyone ever touched you without your consent and made you feel uncomfortable before?

Original poster

StressedOut101 · 28/08/2019 01:13

No, it’s never happened to me before which I think is partly why I feel so unsure on how I’m supposed to react.

OP posts:

Durgasarrow · 28/08/2019 02:09

Stressed Out, please be assured that the uncomfortable feeling that you feel is not at all exaggerated. You rightfully feel that a boundary is being violated. No wonder you feel uncomfortable, angry, and unfortunately, confused when you find your boyfriend undermining the seriousness of what happened. That undermining is what happens because women are undervalued in this world. So we have to sometimes check with each other to find out what reality is. My sister, men don't do drunk what they don't want to do sober. What that man wanted to do was to take your sovereignty and right to dignity and freedom from you. Your boyfriend is being a coward if he puts his easy comfort in front of other males before his loyalty to you. In what universe is it less important for the ass who violated you to respect him than it is for you to respect him? Your boyfriend owes you behavior that is in keeping with his standards of personal integrity and with yours.

Katzia · 28/08/2019 02:57

This is for you to deal with. Not your boyfriend. You should have nipped it in the bud immediately by saying "Oi, flatmate, getting a bit over familiar, leave off" If he didn't then move. You say you got up a few times to walk around and then your boyfriend eventually twigged and moved places. This implies that after walking around those few times you sat back down by the flatmate...why? You need to take control of such situations and learn to tell them to back off or they'll get it in the nuts. Yes, your boyfriend should have a word with his flatmate but you have to take action too. Next time you see the flatmate, tell him straight that you won't stand for him touching you.

angell84 · 28/08/2019 04:44

He has no right to touch your leg. Absolutely not. He has no right to touch you at all, and your leg - absolutely not.

I was in a group of volunteers, and a much older man used to constantly pat the younger girls on the back. Now, it was just my back - but I didn't want him touching me at all - and I have that right. It was like this - he would come and sit beside me at the table, and constantly pat my back while talking to me.

I told him to stop it.
If he was rubbing my leg I would have felt violated.

Make it clear to your boyfriend that you do not want to get rubbed by his friend again, and it is your boyfriend's job to stand up for you.

angell84 · 28/08/2019 04:46

I am just thinking it through.
None of my boyfriend's friends have ever groped me.
If I was sitting with my boyfriend's friend, and he started rubbing me - I would be so angry!
Your boyfriend needs to have a strong word with him.

Sleephead1 · 28/08/2019 06:26

You have every right to upset and to say something either now or if you had wanted to at the time( I also find things like this very awkward). Its very personal and every person will have different views, boundaries When I was younger I was part of a large , heavy drinking group of friends with my boyfriend ( now husband ( we all drank way to much and cuddling, stroking ect did happen ive got photos of my sitting on others knees with arms round me ect and on occasions when drunk some people probably got a bit over touchy feely but I never felt threatened by it and was comfortable to say something and we laughed it of If he isn't really your friend perhaps this made you more uncomfortable to say something. If you have never had any previous issues with him and he is usually a nice person and good friend to your boyfriend hopefully it was a drunken one off and I'm guessing he might have been emotional over the break up and will be mortified if he remembered. I think if you feel it would make you more Comfortable in his company again you could mention it to him if you feel able to. I'm sorry you had an unpleasant experience with him and I would keep a close eye on future behaviour from him anyway

joystir59 · 28/08/2019 06:47

If the 'friend' ever touches/tries to touch you again, anywhere on your body, tell him to stop doing it. I'd tell him to 'stop fucking touching me!' but you use your own words. You don't ever have to put up with anyone touching you anywhere unless you want them to. You sort it out. You don't need your boyfriend to act for you. You act for yourself!. And for the record, to touch a person's body anywhere without consent is assault.

Original poster

StressedOut101 · 28/08/2019 20:17

Thanks all for your help. I’ve spoken to the flatmate this evening and it was very awkward. So glad we can now move on from it though!

OP posts:

AnotherEmma · 28/08/2019 20:24

Well done for talking to him! 💪
Hope he was suitably apologetic.

angell84 · 28/08/2019 20:30

What did he say?
I wrote above, about a man constantly touching me on the back. When I spoke to him, it was also really awkward.
I think as women we have long been told that we should just take this behavior. And we have also been told in many subtle ways to put men's needs before our own and not stand up for ourselves.

So when we speak up for ourselves , we think:
"Did I take that too seriously" and
" I feel bad for upsetting him"z

It is awkwars. But nobody has the right to touch you. I am very proud of you standing up for yourself - that takes guts - well done. And I am proud of me too.

Would you like to share what he said?

angell84 · 28/08/2019 20:30

@stressedout101

HeyMonkey · 28/08/2019 21:01

I would have punched him in the gob.

If questioned I would have said sorry, I was drunk, it must have been an accident, don't take it too seriously.

Fucking men.

PinkZoid · 28/08/2019 21:06

We have all been drunk and done stupid things but the majority of us know touching our best friend’s partner up is completely inappropriate even when smashed! I don’t think drunkenness is an excuse here and your DP should’ve stepped in to stop him.

Original poster

StressedOut101 · 28/08/2019 21:46

Thanks all, and I’m sorry to hear about some of your experiences.

To be honest he wasn’t very apologetic at all. He remembered it all completely and just said how he’s a bit confused about his feelings at the moment.

I’m painfully shy and the type of person that would normally just prefer to suffer in silence so it was hard work to mention it.

I’m just planning to keep my distance and hope that it doesn’t happen again!

OP posts:

sprouts21 · 28/08/2019 21:56

That's a very worrying response. Don't ever be alone with him.

angell84 · 28/08/2019 21:58

Well done for standing up for yourself!
I would also say do not be alone with this guy who has no respect for his friend or you.
Make sure that you tell your boyfriend that his friend said that he is "confused about his feelings".

He is not a friend to him at all!

angell84 · 28/08/2019 21:58

@StressedOut101

joystir59 · 28/08/2019 22:01

Well done for standing up for yourself OP! Did you manage to make the point that he must never touch you again OP?

Original poster

StressedOut101 · 28/08/2019 22:25

Yes I have told my boyfriend about it but he just doesn’t know how to respond.

I tried to make the point to the flatmate that he can never touch me again but he just brushed it off. I think he feels that it’s ok because he only stroked my shoulder, ribs/back and thigh, rather than anything else more intimate/personal.

I got trapped in the kitchen with him on the same night just before going bed because I was rinsing out a few glasses in the sink and he was trying to get me to go into his room. Luckily my boyfriend appeared so I was able to escape!

To be honest I’m quite shocked that he can remember it all and I’m dreading all of our mutual friends finding out.

OP posts:

AnotherEmma · 28/08/2019 22:36

I'm not surprised that he can remember it. It all sounds very deliberate and persistent to me. It's sexual harassment.

Given that he didn't apologise properly and promise not to do it again, I wouldn't go back there when he is around.

And your boyfriend sounds useless.

EarringsandLipstick · 28/08/2019 22:44

Hang on @StressedOut101

Your update changes things a LOT.

You spoke to Gropey Friend. He admitted doing it, remembered it but didn't really apologise or make it clear he'd NEVER do something like this again.

Gropey Friend tried to get you into his room, and trapped you in kitchen.

This is way beyond drunken stupidity. Your boyfriend needs to speak up, now. If he doesn't, I'd really question that relationship.

Stay clear of Gropey Friend. You are feeling anxious and scared of him for a very good reason.

iano · 28/08/2019 23:12

Hes trying to work out how far he can push this. You need to be very clear about your boundaries. Stop being polite when he or anyone else touches you in a way you don't like.
You need to stand up for yourself here. This man is a creep and he'll push is further.
Btw your BF is pretty disinterested. Are you sure you can't do better?

RabbityMcRabbit · 28/08/2019 23:35

I agree with @AnotherEmma, he sounds like a creep and not to be trusted. I would refuse to socialise/be with him again, and your boyfriend sounds like a wet lettuce

NameChange84 · 28/08/2019 23:50

My heart goes out to you. Please stay away from this man. I’d go beyond not being alone with him - never see him again. He’s not a true friend at all and I cannot fathom how your boyfriend could down play this. He should take your side.

I have to say that I’d initially thought a couple of previous posters were right about the threesome. My friend’s husband started doing identical things to me a few months back. I’ve known them for many years but, through another friend found out that they are now swingers. Long story short, he was trying for a threesome and unfortunately he was also trying to mess with my boundaries the way your boyfriend’s friend has been with you. Acting as if it’s perfectly normal to start stroking the inside of your thigh and groping my bum (in my case) and not really apologising or acting like the clear instruction for no more physical contact is not heard is very messed up on these men’s behalf’s.

Keep YOUR boundaries strong.
This isn’t ok, it’s not normal and both your boyfriend and his “friend” need to stop downplaying his inappropriate behaviour. I’d say he’s probably targeted you because he thinks you are nice and knows you wouldn’t make a scene. If anything like this ever happens again, and I really hope it doesn’t, MAKE A SCENE. These predatory types rely on you not calling them out.

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