Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

*possible trigger warning* To not want DSis and DMum at wedding?

36 replies

OrangeAeroBubbles · 27/08/2019 17:48

I had a beautiful relationship with my DDad before he passed when I was young. DMum moved out of family home and into mental health facility due to alcohol and drug abuse, threats to kill myself and siblings, and self-harm.
I was placed in the care of DSis and ended up spending years being emotionally, physically and mentally abused by DSis, DBrother and DSis' boyfriend. I was used as a cash fund with SS giving DSis money for school transport, but I had to walk 6 miles to school because she wouldn't give the money to me. I was kicked out of home after refusing to hand over 100% of my earnings to DSis as rent (still expected to buy own food, pay for transport to earn said earnings etc. with no money left) on a regular basis.

Met my fiancé at 18, in the midst of some of this. We began a relationship a year and a half later and his family welcomed me in straight away. His parents were amazing when they found out about the abuse at home. They supported me in getting into college, through four years of university and in general day to day life.

Within the first year, MIL(to-be) held my hand in hospital as I miscarried (on medication alongside the pill, complete accident, but still painful experience). Own family were nowhere to be seen, then DMum popped up three days later saying she had cut her wrists that day and was in hospital herself, and that she'd had two more miscarriages than me, so it's not that big a deal.

Years have passed and my relationship is still not great. DSis has children, who realistically are the only reason I keep in contact. DMum still chooses drugs over a relationship with me, but likes to think she 'makes an effort' by sending a text once every two or three months. If I do the slightest thing 'wrong', they go crazy. DP and I bought his mother a figurine she'd wanted as a thank you for something one day, and DMum flipped, calling me a spoilt bitch and that I'd have nothing without her. I've worked since 14 and have paid for everything I have myself.
DSis ruined graduation, assaulting me in front of her children and my ILs. She blocks me from their day to day life if I tell her no to money, no to babysitting, or if I don't cater to her every need. They're still emotionally abusive to this day.

I think it's safe to say that DP saved me. Along with his family, he's helped me to build a life that I never thought was possible. After five years of being together, my mental health is better than ever, we have our first home, rescue animals, great jobs and he asked me to marry him. Now we're finally planning our wedding. DSis and DMum are expecting to be there, talking about what they can wear and who they can invite, but I don't want them there. We booked a big venue, but have since decided that we want something really intimate, and certainly don't want DSis or DMum there, but we do want DSis' children to be there.

Any ideas on how I can approach this? AIBU to not want them there?

OP posts:
Grambler · 27/08/2019 17:50

You need to severely reduce contact with your sister.

lyralalala · 27/08/2019 17:51

I absolutely don't blame you for not wanting them there. My childhood was abusive so I completely get where you are coming from.

However, you probably know yourself that there is little to no chance of you having your sister's children there without your sister. So you'll have to work out and decide if you want them all there or none of them there.

Nowthereistwo · 27/08/2019 17:52

I think you need to block them all - unfortunately that will include not having SIL's children at the wedding as I don't see how you can keep a relationship with them.

Chanteuse · 27/08/2019 17:52

They sound absolutely vile, OP. Sad

Definitely don't invite them, but by the sounds of it, your sister won't let the kids come, just to spite you. Sad

Redshoeblueshoe · 27/08/2019 17:53

I'd go NC with both of them, but sadly you won't get to see the kids

InterestingView · 27/08/2019 17:53

After all the abuse why are you still in contact with your abusers?!?! Go no contact straight away.

Hairyheadphones · 27/08/2019 17:53

In all honesty I think it will be really hard to have your sisters children there without your sister.

You family sound awful and I’m not surprised you don’t want them there.

PotteringAlong · 27/08/2019 17:54

You cannot invite her children and not her, unless they are adults. You must know that.

TiggerOfThigh · 27/08/2019 17:55

You know your DSis won’t allow her children there. She’ll say yes (maybe) and then pull out on the day, to try to ruin the day.

You said they ruined your graduation, what makes you think this is different?

My DH didn’t want his siblings at our wedding. His DM said she wouldn’t come as it would upset them if they couldn’t come. Ok then, we’ll send you pictures, and we did. Small piece of cake and a photo album. He insists he doesn’t regret it, and has now gone VVVLC

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 27/08/2019 17:56

I think you have to go complete NC with them all and then leave it at that and get on living your best life

fairislecable · 27/08/2019 17:59

Family should be loving and supportive yours are neither of these things.

Go NC and be happy you have made the right decision.

It’s sad but there is no way the children can be at your wedding when they are your abusive sisters.

MollyButton · 27/08/2019 17:59

Block them.
You will lose contact with your DN, but you can tell them before you block them that you will be there if they ever need you.
How is your Sister's partner/husband? Would he be a route to stay in contact?

And definitely do not invite them.
I would prepare to go NC - and then tell them both they will not be invited to the wedding and go NC immediately.

formerbabe · 27/08/2019 17:59

They are abusive and going nc would be completely understandable. Protect yourself.

I actually think your dsis, although she has been abusive to you, is also a victim. She's clearly a product of her upbringing and I wonder if she was very resentful and angry about having to be responsible for her younger sister, when she probably wanted to be independent and free. I'm not justifying her behaviour by the way or saying you should ignore or excuse how she behaves, just trying to give a different perspective.

Nextphonewontbesamsung · 27/08/2019 17:59

What a horrible situation!

I'm also surprised that you have any sort of relationship with your mother and sister. You don't have to have anything to do with them you know? For instance, how come your mother even knew about the gift you bought for your Mil?

NeatFreakMama · 27/08/2019 18:00

You. Are. Amazing.

Personally I think no contact would be best with mum, sister and brother and unfortunately that would mean your sister's kids do miss out having a relationship with you but otherwise they're something to control you.

Beerincomechampagnetastes · 27/08/2019 18:00

Sorry op. They will use the dc to punish you on your wedding day. They will also use your love for them to continue abusing you.
None of them should come to the wedding, and when they tell you that you have devastated their dc - and they will.....remind yourself that it is your dm and ds’s fault.

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 27/08/2019 18:00

NC, however unfortunately you won’t be able to have a relationship with your nieces and nephews, or if you do, your sister will use them as a bargaining chip.

Whataliberty · 27/08/2019 18:01

Don't give them any details of your wedding, go ahead without them.Have your a discreet, intimate and beautiful ceremony away from them. You owe no explanation - if they ask just say you eloped in the end and that's that.

This is about your DP , your future and not them. You owe them absolutely nothing!!! [flowers}

Soubriquet · 27/08/2019 18:02

Are her children adults?

If not, you’re going to have to say no to the whole family

PatriciaHolm · 27/08/2019 18:08

Of course you aren't being unreasonable. You wouldn't be unreasonable to never talk to them again, quite frankly.

But I don't think having small children there without your Sister is going to work, so I think you will have to resign yourself to not having them.

You are doing so so well. You deserve a wedding day that is just what you want.

Horatioroses · 27/08/2019 18:13

Oh my goodness. How many second chances do these two deserve? (Clue: none). People on here sometimes go non contact for what seem to me trivial reasons, you have every reason in the world and I think would be a kindness to yourself and you new husband. Think of them as poison - what does repeated exposure to poison do for you? If they spoiled your graduation think of what they will do to your wedding.
A destination wedding with your in laws sounds appealing, but the bigger issue is how much of your live are you going to allow these people to have control over.

cutebutscary · 27/08/2019 18:13

I think you probably would benefit from going NC . Although I know you will be torn over this because of your sisters children but you need to remember you would be doing it because of your sisters abuse of you . Look after your own mental health first and congrats on the wedding xx

GreenTulips · 27/08/2019 18:14

Why do you still feel responsible for this shower?

Drum2018 · 27/08/2019 18:18

I cannot believe you are still in contact with these bitches. Please give yourself the chance of a wonderful, drama free life with your fiancé and his kind family and block your mother and sister (nothing 'dear' about them) from your life. I'd pretend the wedding is about 6 months later than planned and organise it secretly so they don't get a chance to turn up and spoil it, which is what will happen regardless of whether you invite them or not. They'll ruin it for you as they have tried to ruin everything up to this point.

PavlovaFaith · 27/08/2019 18:20

Absolutely NC. Literally can't think of another option.

You're amazing and you DO NOT need them Thanks