*possible trigger warning* To not want DSis and DMum at wedding?

[OrangeAeroBubbles]

I had a beautiful relationship with my DDad before he passed when I was young. DMum moved out of family home and into mental health facility due to alcohol and drug abuse, threats to kill myself and siblings, and self-harm.
I was placed in the care of DSis and ended up spending years being emotionally, physically and mentally abused by DSis, DBrother and DSis' boyfriend. I was used as a cash fund with SS giving DSis money for school transport, but I had to walk 6 miles to school because she wouldn't give the money to me. I was kicked out of home after refusing to hand over 100% of my earnings to DSis as rent (still expected to buy own food, pay for transport to earn said earnings etc. with no money left) on a regular basis.

Met my fiancé at 18, in the midst of some of this. We began a relationship a year and a half later and his family welcomed me in straight away. His parents were amazing when they found out about the abuse at home. They supported me in getting into college, through four years of university and in general day to day life.

Within the first year, MIL(to-be) held my hand in hospital as I miscarried (on medication alongside the pill, complete accident, but still painful experience). Own family were nowhere to be seen, then DMum popped up three days later saying she had cut her wrists that day and was in hospital herself, and that she'd had two more miscarriages than me, so it's not that big a deal.

Years have passed and my relationship is still not great. DSis has children, who realistically are the only reason I keep in contact. DMum still chooses drugs over a relationship with me, but likes to think she 'makes an effort' by sending a text once every two or three months. If I do the slightest thing 'wrong', they go crazy. DP and I bought his mother a figurine she'd wanted as a thank you for something one day, and DMum flipped, calling me a spoilt bitch and that I'd have nothing without her. I've worked since 14 and have paid for everything I have myself.
DSis ruined graduation, assaulting me in front of her children and my ILs. She blocks me from their day to day life if I tell her no to money, no to babysitting, or if I don't cater to her every need. They're still emotionally abusive to this day.

I think it's safe to say that DP saved me. Along with his family, he's helped me to build a life that I never thought was possible. After five years of being together, my mental health is better than ever, we have our first home, rescue animals, great jobs and he asked me to marry him. Now we're finally planning our wedding. DSis and DMum are expecting to be there, talking about what they can wear and who they can invite, but I don't want them there. We booked a big venue, but have since decided that we want something really intimate, and certainly don't want DSis or DMum there, but we do want DSis' children to be there.

Any ideas on how I can approach this? AIBU to not want them there?

They are vile and don’t deserve to be in your life. Unfortunately, I don’t thinks there’s any possible way of having the kids there without them. You need to cut them all out. For you and your fiancé

Please, please cut these people out of your life. I completely understand that you want to maintain a relationship with your sister’s children but honestly I think that will do you more harm than good. Your sister will only ever use them against you and I think for your own safety and sanity you need to step away completely.

You’re clearly a brilliant person and you deserve better than this. Your DP’s family sound lovely and I would focus on them.

You need to make sure they don't know where or when you are getting married

I’d have nothing more to do with them.

It’s good you have fantastic support from your dps family.

Definitely cut contact. Unfortunately her children will also have to be cut out from your life- but imo that's a small price to pay for your mh, peace and future.

@InterestingView Contact is primarily for the sake of the children. There have been periods of NC and the oldest has come to me, asking why I left and that they've all missed me. She manipulates them against me and tells them that I don't love them, and it breaks my heart. The oldest is wise beyond his years and has started to see her for who she is, and has started coming to me with his problems. I love all of the children as if they were my own, and I know that going NC would be for my own good, but I struggle with leaving them behind.

@formerbabe I understand that she is a victim of our upbringing, too. I really do understand that she did not want to have the responsibility of a child that wasn't hers, but there were ample opportunities for me to go into care, but she wanted the money that came along with having me in her care. I never caused her trouble, got myself back and forth to school, got a job, stayed in my room during her house parties that happened most nights of the week. It was like I wasn't there, but then I was when she needed someone to hurt.

@MollyButton DSis' current partner isn't a route to access unfortunately. I think that through one child's father I could have some access, but not to the others. I know that DSis would use it as an opportunity to tell the other two that I don't love them as much as the other, as she already does with extended family.

DSis takes any opportunity to hand her children over to someone else, so I was wondering whether it would be a viable option to ask if I can take them out for the day, and have them there that way- deal with the repercussions that way, but at least they'll have been there and know that I want them to be a part of my life.

@Nextphonewontbesamsung MIL innocently posted a photo of her figurine collection to show family that don't live in the country. She thanked us in that post for the figurine, with no intention of causing upset but DSis showed DMum and it went from there.

MIL is so incredibly supportive. Even to this day, after it all, she wants me to be happy with her son and she said she supports my decision to have DMum there or not. I had NC with DMum for a good while, then MIL got me to open up about it all and essentially made me realize that I'm holding on to the hope that DMum can change. I know it won't happen, but I feel that without hope, there is nothing.

Marry abroad with your partner and in laws!! Have nothing more to do with your family

I know it won't happen, but I feel that without hope, there is nothing.

There is a lot of hope for you. But not for your mother (or sister).

You need to build your boundaries - maybe get some counselling to help with this.
To be honest I would tell all of your DN that you love them, but can't be in contact with their mother any more, and if they ever need you, your door is open. But you do also need to be aware that she is continuing the cycle of abuse - and may well cause them permanent damage. Unfortunately your presence in their lives or not will not change that.