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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Being off work but going out at the weekend

31 replies

SpoiltDog · 27/08/2019 16:43

More if a WWYD?

I had a missed miscarriage and yesterday had medical management at the hospital. It was really awful, I was in a lot of pain and vomitting. Ive still been cramping and bleeding heavily at home and emotionally am not in a great frame of mind.

This has come at a really awful time as I'm due to get married in a couple of weeks. It's actually my hen do this weekend (nothing too wild as I had been pregnant but could now include some well needed drinks Sad ).

I've been off work today obviously but am unsure what to do tomorrow. I still have to go back to the hospital on Friday as I hadn't yet passed the pregnancy so they want to scan me. If I can go on Saturday I really want to. I want something fun to take my mind off this and to just laugh with my friends instead of crying in bed.

But I'm also now unsure what to do about work. Can I be off work but go out on Saturday? My job is very stressful and high pressure. I'm nervous about cracking whilst there especially considering this isn't actually over yet and I won't know until Friday what the next steps are.

WWYD?

OP posts:
Thehagonthehill · 27/08/2019 16:48

Talk to your boss and take the time off until this is over.Have the weekend to look forward too.
Hope all goes well.

RhubarbCrumbled · 27/08/2019 16:48

It depends what reason you've given for being off and how your manager generally feels about staff being ill. There are lots of reasons for being off work and sometimes getting out helps people get better and back to work faster. TBH, I encourage staff who are off to get out and about if they're not contagious and it won't make them worse!

You have a genuine reason for being off, you're not contagious and part of getting better is getting out of the house. So I'd say if you're feeling up to it then to absolutely go.

recklessgran · 27/08/2019 16:48

First of all I'm so sorry for your loss - so sad for you both and I really feel for you. There are no words of comfort really but I think you need to cut yourself some slack. I definitely wouldn't be going to work until after Friday if I was you. Try to be kind to yourself until you know where you are. I would make a decision about the weekend after you've been to the hospital on Friday.Good luck OP, take it easy and support each other through this horrible time.

Expressedways · 27/08/2019 16:50

Sorry for your loss Flowers
I’d stay home tomorrow. Presumably you’re still bleeding, there’s a chance you may pass the pregnancy and you really don’t want that to happen whilst you’re at work. If work are funny about it then I’m assuming you can provide a doctor’s note.
By Saturday hopefully you’ll be feeling a lot better so if you’re up to it then go out and try to enjoy your hen do.

MilkRunningOutAgain · 27/08/2019 16:50

Will people from work be at your hen do? Will it be on social media so work colleagues can you out enjoying yourself? If the answer is yes to either of these then I would postpone the hen do. I don’t think my employers are that understanding, though I get that you want to go out and forget it.

Plus you may not feel like it physically either. I had a medically managed miscarriage and had to stay in hospital overnight and took a few days to feel up to a night out.

Sorry I don’t think this is the message you want!

TeaForTara · 27/08/2019 16:50

I'm very sorry for your loss. Flowers

Theoretically there's every reason to go out and enjoy yourself after going through such an awful time but I do completely understand your concerns. Is there a manager or HR person you could talk to just to sound things out?

Is anyone from work due to go on the hen do? Can you trust your hens not to post photos of you "living it up" on social media?

Original poster
SpoiltDog · 27/08/2019 16:50

Work know the real reason. I just said I'd see how I was feeling Wednesday/Thursday but made no promises.

I'll of course only know whether or not I can go on Saturday after I've been to the hospital on Friday because if I haven't passed the pregnancy by then I'll need surgery. However, if they say it's happened at home between now and then, then I really really want to just go and enjoy myself on Saturday. Just forget about all this shit and look forward to my wedding with a bit of normality.

OP posts:
dollydaydream114 · 27/08/2019 16:51

First of all, I'm so sorry that you've miscarried Flowers You must be feeling physically and emotionally drained and it must be horrible for you.

Secondly - of course you can be off work this week and still go out on Saturday if you definitely feel up to it. If you had an illness and you'd started to feel better at the weekend, you could do whatever you want. And I also think that being off work after a miscarriage is partly about your mental health anyway - if a Saturday out with your best friends is what might make you feel better, and you are physically well enough to go and the hospital says it's OK, then that is absolutely fine regardless of whether you've been at work. I manage a team and if you were one of my staff I would totally understand.

Original poster
SpoiltDog · 27/08/2019 16:52

No one from work will be going and work have been really sympathetic towards this so far.

The only thing I'd be concerned about is posts on SM like you say.

OP posts:
Di1979 · 27/08/2019 17:19

If you feel that bad that you're missing work, then, yes, you are taking the piss by going out; hen do or no hen do...
I'm sorry about your mc, but if you feel that bad, then stay home. Having a few drinks won't make you feel better.

HiJenny35 · 27/08/2019 17:28

I'd go and see the doctor and ask for a doctors note to be signed off. Once signed off you can go out and it's irrelevant what work think you are signed off.

Original poster
SpoiltDog · 27/08/2019 17:41

Di, it's the emotional side I'm struggling with more than the physical so yes a few drinks with my friends will help I think. For a little while anyway.

Obviously I won't be going to either work or the hen do if I need surgery on Friday.

OP posts:
KidLorneRoll · 27/08/2019 17:43

Do whatever makes YOU feel better. If that means staying off work but going out with your friends then do that and sod what people think.

BoomZahramay · 27/08/2019 17:48

Very sorry for your loss. I will very gently tell you that passing the pregnancy is painful and messy. It's like a mini labour. You don't want to be anywhere but at home and near a private loo for that, so no way you can go to work.

If you haven't passed it by Saturday, I wouldn't go out either. If you have, crack on. A bit of fun will do you good. Flowers

Deathgrip · 27/08/2019 19:17

If you feel that bad that you're missing work, then, yes, you are taking the piss by going out; hen do or no hen do...
Bullshit. When you’re going through emotional trauma, there’s an entire universe of difference between having to function in a high pressured work environment and being out socially with friends. People who are off work with MH issues are encouraged to be sociable, it’s far healthier than staying indoors alone.

I'm sorry about your mc, but if you feel that bad, then stay home. Having a few drinks won't make you feel better.

OP has already said that if she’s physically not up to it, she won’t go. Mentally it would no doubt be beneficial for her to go out and do something fun rather than sitting at home.

OP, your employer knows why you’re off, and knows that this issue is awful emotionally as well as physically. If the worst is over physically by Saturday, I would absolutely go.

Croquembou · 27/08/2019 19:32

Your work sound very lovely (as all work places should be). I don't think there's any reason you shouldn't go out. You're not off because you're 'sick', you're off because of a major life event. I would understand and support this for anyone in my team and be pleased they were taking steps to look after their mental health.

InterestingView · 27/08/2019 19:34

OP come off social media as in deactivate your accounts for the weekend so no stress about people tagging you in photos etc. Ask everyone not to put stuff on social media and jokingly make it a "no phones" evening. Then get fucking rat arsed and enjoy yourself as much as you can Flowers

Hello1231 · 27/08/2019 19:46

Sorry to hear this, it is very sensible to take the time off work, I was stupid and didn't and it was actually quite traumatic. I think it's reasonable to go out at the weekend, as you have said it's an emotional as well as physical recovery, and going out with friends can be very healing. If you are stressed about it can you just ask that the friends you are out with don't post on your social media about it?

AlpacaGoodnight · 27/08/2019 19:50

First of all I'm sorry for your loss, I've been there and it really is a rollercoaster of hormones and emotions. I would say go on Saturday if you are up to it but if you I think you would have to go to work the following week too. If you don't think you will be up to working the following week I would rearrange Saturday (not that there is much time before the wedding!). Good luck for your wedding Flowers

cheesydoesit · 27/08/2019 19:58

Hi OP, I'm so sorry for your loss. It's a really shit and unfair thing to happen. I agree with interestingview and I think that deactivating social media and making it a no phone night might be therapeutic.

I hope you don't require surgery and that you get the chance to relax on your hen do. When I had a mmc, the pregnancy passed three days after the miscarriage had been confirmed and physically I couldn't have been anywhere but home but for the days beforehand I did want to distract myself and went out of the house (IKEA and to the pub!) as it was such a sad and shitty time. So I think YANBU to take time off work or get signed off by a doctor. As you said there is both the emotional and physical pain to deal with.

All the best to you. Flowers

Original poster
SpoiltDog · 27/08/2019 22:48

Thanks for all your kind words Flowers

I'm still cramping slightly but think I passed the pregnancy this evening Sad

OP posts:
AllFourOfThem · 27/08/2019 22:55

I’m so sorry about your miscarriage. Flowers

If you take the rest of the week off (perfectly acceptable and understandable to do so) then I think it might be a good idea to give your manager the heads up on Friday that although you are off and not emotionally ready to be at work, you will probably be going out for your prearranged hen do at the weekend.

When you are pregnant you are protected against sickness related to the pregnancy and this protection lasts for a fortnight after a miscarriage takes place. Your work cannot legally discipline you for this time off sick if it’s related to your pregnancy and subsequent miscarriage.

elasticfantastic · 27/08/2019 22:59

Sorry for your loss OP.
Take this week off for both emotional and physical reasons. Go on your hen weekend (if you want to). It's not going to be a problem. It maybe a problem with people at work if you're also off the week after your hen but cross that bridge when you get to it as you won't know how you feel until then x

Original poster
SpoiltDog · 28/08/2019 07:53

I'm going to try going in today and see how I feel. I will come home though if it gets too much.

I'm actually off all week next week anyway on annual leave so that's not a problem.

OP posts:
BoomZahramay · 28/08/2019 08:02

Glad the worst is over. Best wishes.