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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To call 999 for elderly neighbour

40 replies

DawsonsSheep · 27/08/2019 14:30

DH thinks I should ignore this but it doesn’t sit right with me...

Moved in to new home in Jan, we live 2 doors down from a very elderly lady, we are usually all out all day Mon-Fri but have had some time off this summer. Whenever I have been at home and her windows have been open I can hear her groaning very loudly (shouting groaning if that makes sense, as though she is in pain/distress). In the past I have seen carers popping in and out, they are possibly family members who care for her as they are not in uniform and are all of the same ethnicity as the elderly lady.

In the heatwave I have noticed just how bad the groaning is as we all have our windows open all day and am wondering what to do... when I get up at around 7am it has already started and goes on all day. I went out earlier and could still hear her at the end of the road. It is sporadic which makes me think it stops once the carers arrive.

I have knocked on the door on several occasions but no-one answers. I’d like to try and catch her carers but haven’t had any luck and without sitting outside her house I wouldn’t be able to see them arrive/leave.

DH thinks I shouldn’t interfere as she has carers, however I am disturbed by the fact that she seemingly cries out all day between their visits. If it was my Granny I would be utterly distraught to know that was how she spent all day every day; it really does sound as though she is distressed and if she stops when the carers arrive they might have no idea.

So what do I do? Leave it alone? Note through the door to carers? Call 111/Age UK/999?

Thanks you lovely lot.

OP posts:
PullingMySocksUp · 27/08/2019 14:31

I’d probably phone social services.

HJWT · 27/08/2019 14:37

Id also phone SS xx

BarbariansMum · 27/08/2019 14:40

I'd try and catch one of her carers, or better yet, a family member first. They may be able to reassure you, and SS will talk to them first anyway. It is possible that she's not in pain at all but has dementia and this is her way of verbalizing.

SirJamesTalbotAndHisSpeculum · 27/08/2019 14:43

She very likely has dementia, OP.

Can you put a note on her door asking a carer to phone you so that you feel reassured?

Calling 999 in these circumstances is unreasonable. People with severe dementia do groan a lot.

Original poster
DawsonsSheep · 27/08/2019 14:48

Thanks all, currently on hold to SS. I definitely won’t call 999 and think a note to carers is a good idea. Dementia must be so tough for all concerned and I don’t want to make a hard situation worse, just want to check that she’s ok really. Thanks again!

OP posts:
Original poster
DawsonsSheep · 27/08/2019 14:53

Well SS said they can’t help if I don’t know her name, so a note it is.

OP posts:
Ponoka7 · 27/08/2019 14:54

I agree with you calling SS.

However,
"I am disturbed by the fact that she seemingly cries out all day between their visits"

Unfortunately that's how some elderly/confused/dementia etc people, spend their days.

We don't want to go back to the days were they were over medicated to keep them quiet/asleep.

SirJamesTalbotAndHisSpeculum · 27/08/2019 14:55

When people have severe dementia they often lose the ability to talk.

I would lay bets on this being the reason you're hearing all the groaning.

Ponoka7 · 27/08/2019 14:57

What are you going to put on the note?

They are probably coping in very difficult circumstances, so you need to be sensitive.

Dramaofallama · 27/08/2019 15:00

It also sounds to me like she has dementia. People suffering late stages of dementia do tend to groan alot.
Do you know if she is mobile? That may be why she isn't answering the door or she may be afraid to.
Unfortunately this heat doesn't help and has probably added to her stress.

I would leave a note through the door for the carers or speak to them if you do see them.

FloatingObject · 27/08/2019 15:03

Very sad and disturbing for you. I would personally grit my teeth and have a stake out to catch one of the carers.

Original poster
DawsonsSheep · 27/08/2019 15:03

I totally agree @Ponoka7. I don’t know much about dementia (can you tell?!) but am not suggesting that I’d prefer her to be medicated; this is coming from feelings of concern, not inconvenience/complaining.

Also agree with you re. being sensitive. I’m not sure what I’ll write, if anything. I’d like to offer to help I suppose, but not sure how I could.

OP posts:
Original poster
DawsonsSheep · 27/08/2019 15:06

Thanks @Dramaofallama, I don’t think she is mobile, I’ve never seen her out of the house other than being carried in to an ambulance, twice. She is very small and frail and must be 90+. It’s incredibly sad but I am guessing it is her home and that she wants to remain there, which I hope is if some comfort.

OP posts:
cjt110 · 27/08/2019 15:09

Perhaps a note - Could you give me a quick call when you get chance? DawsonsSheep from no 87 (tel no)

Sicario · 27/08/2019 15:13

Do be careful about offering to help as that can quickly escalate into being taken advantage of. (Can you just ..... )

StrongTea · 27/08/2019 15:13

Could you speak to neighbours in between? We had to speak with social services as had concerns over elderly neighbour. If it is family not carers that are popping in and out social services may not be aware of her. Is there a key safe box on the door?

NovemberWitch · 27/08/2019 15:14

It’s nice that you care about a stranger. When my dad was being taken off by ambulance, a neighbouring couple came over to see if they could help, left their number in case mum needed anything, offered to shop or cook an evening meal.....
Bless them, they were yuppies in their 20s, and although I was already doing all that and more, I was just happy there were still people like that around rather than being annoyed.
One of the things that makes geriatric wards hard for my dad is the number of groans and shouting from patients with dementia, which prevent him sleeping and scare him for the future.

beccarocksbaby · 27/08/2019 15:14

Sadly carers won't be able to shed any light on the situation for you but you could always put a note through saying she often groans

Ambulance would be unlikely to respond quickly to random reports of groaning and when they did are likely to just cause more distress (as they are strangers and entering her home).

If you're very concerned ring adult social care - if she has official carers they will be able to speak to them, if she doesn't then they will be able to do a needs assessment

Missingstreetlife · 27/08/2019 15:15

Just put on the note that you would like to speak to the carer or family member. No details. Then they can contact you and speak on phone or face to face. Sh probably gets disoriented when alone
Social services could find her by address but won't tell you much, or be that interested unless you think there is neglect. If family don't respond speak to district nurse (thru local gp?)
Thanks for caring.

category12 · 27/08/2019 15:16

Doesn't it make more sense to try to catch one of the carers/family members and speak to them, rather than leave a note? A note seems a strange way to communicate and she might see it.

Original poster
DawsonsSheep · 27/08/2019 15:18

@Sicario good point! We are all usually out 8-6 Mon-Fri so I wouldn’t be much use, but I’m also renowned for not being able to say no so will keep your advice in mind.

@StrongTea will check for a key safe once our street no longer resembles the surface of the sun, good idea. I’m pretty sure it’s family members. DH is quite friendly with some neighbours who have lived here for 20+ years so he’ll ask.

OP posts:
mumwon · 27/08/2019 15:21

talk to her next door neighbours?

Dramaofallama · 27/08/2019 15:21

I agree with speaking to neighbours in between, they may know her situation and put your mind at ease.

If not, put a note through the door, something like "hi I am so and so from number .... i have recently moved here and of recent have been hearing so and so groaning quite a lot in between visits
I do hope she is ok and the heat is not getting to her. If you could just let me know the situation I would be most grateful and it would put my mind at rest."

I am a carer myself, I wouldn't begrudge any of the neighbours for asking as atleast it would tell me they do listen out for her.

I wouldn't offer the support though, as they may have concerns of someone trying to take advantage (also very common unfortunately).

Original poster
DawsonsSheep · 27/08/2019 15:22

Thanks for your replies everyone, what a sad situation for her. I will keep trying to catch the carers, agreed that a note might not be the best option. I’d hate to cause a problem.

She is quiet now for the first time all day so hopefully someone has arrived or she’s having a nice nap.

OP posts:
CustardySergeant · 27/08/2019 15:25

When my mother was in a nursing home with dementia she called out all the time, but when anyone came to her room to see what she wanted she was unaware that she had been calling out. Her short-term memory was completely gone. Even when she came out of the ensuite bathroom back into her bedroom it was as though she was seeing it for the first time. She'd say "Oh. Is this my room? It's nice isn't it?" even though she'd been living there for months.

It was very distressing and of course you can't help wondering if the same will happen to you in time. Very scary indeed. I think your neighbour may well be in the same situation, in that if anyone answers her calls/groans she will have no idea she was calling out or why.

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