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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that my friend keeps trying to ruin my happiness

51 replies

lilyflowerbloom · 27/08/2019 14:26

I have a previous thread about my best friend thinking it was "weird" to not have sex with someone after 6 weeks of dating, that he probably thought we were just friends etc etc. (it's here anyway www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3666570-to-be-upset-by-my-friends-response-to-the-man-I-am-dating)

Anyway, over the weekend the man I was dating asked me to be in a relationship with him Smile

I am ridiculously happy walking around with a huge smile etc., my friend kept prodding me as to why I was smiling. Told her that we were "official"

She didn't say anything apart from "oh right". I took all your comments on board, and kind of brushed it off as maybe jealously? Towards the end of our meet up she said "it's long distance you know, it will never work unless you move in together, which you shouldnt do"

We do live in different cities. He drives, so it takes him just under an hour to get to me. I don't, so maybe up to 1hour 30 on a train.

But, we have made plans well in advance up to October, and we will be spending each weekend together! I also work in between locations and he has already said that he is happy for me to come in the week, whenever!

So obviously we don't live 5 minutes from each other- but even if we did, we're both so busy it's near impossible that I would actually see him anymore than I can at the minute!

AIBU to think it's not a real LDR? And is this another attempt by friend to ruin things?

OP posts:
Each2TheirOwn · 27/08/2019 14:45

Congratulations on your new relationship status 😀 1hr drive apart is not what I would call long distance, it's easily doable!

I followed your last thread and thought the same then as I do now, she is not your friend! She's either jealous of your happiness (which is most likely) or worried that she will lose you now that you have someone special in your life. Either way, she is being extremely selfish at best and plain nasty at worst.

Friends should be supportive of you and want you to be happy. Unfortunately, she doesn't sound like she does. I'd bin her (as i have with 'friends' like this in the past).

You deserve better! Enjoy your new found happiness x

doskant · 27/08/2019 14:50

Sounds like she doesn’t like it when you’re happy. Friends like that, or those who enjoy it when you’re not happy, are best avoided. Perhaps you could ask her how she proclaims to be such an expert on “long” distance relationships to be in a position to advise you.

Original poster
lilyflowerbloom · 29/08/2019 09:44

Thanks for your replies.

I've just had my friend cancel our plans this weekend under the guise of "you're in a long distance relationship now, aren't you going to go and see him?"

I feel really sad that all the excitement I have can't be spoken about

OP posts:
Bubsworth · 29/08/2019 09:48

Yeh she sounds very jealous. Congrats on your relationship:)

Windydaysuponus · 29/08/2019 09:52

Well she has made it easy to decide who you want to spend your weekends with!!. Congratulations on new beginnings!!

7Worfs · 29/08/2019 09:53

OP, my LDR was different countries and ended in marriage.

I wouldn’t classify one hour travel as LDR, I mean Londoners travel that and more for work, friends, dates.

Your friend is bitter, I’d either reduce contact or confront her about it if there’s a chance she’ll take it onboard.

wonderingsoul · 29/08/2019 09:54

That's not a long distance relationship

And shes not a friend.

Personally I would text back and ask why she cant be happy for you and what is her actuall problem because shes acting like a spoilt 2 year old.

Or

Oh that's a shame I was looking forward to seeing you, as I now have free time i think i will go and see my boyfriend.

She wants you to grovel to her or prove her right that yould ditch her. Fuck that for a game of cricket.

beluga425 · 29/08/2019 10:00

You need to distance yourself from this "frenemy"

Usernamewillautodestrustin · 29/08/2019 10:01

When I met my DH we lived 140 miles away from each other. It is not a big deal if you make plans and stick to them. Which is not hard if you genuinely like the person. You will be fine, it sounds like you making the effort needed to make things work.

Your friend is obviously jealous. She sounds like the kind who would relish in any sort of issue that you would have with him...make sure you don't tell her about arguments or concerns...she will jump on that and make them a lot worse than they are...

dollydaydream114 · 29/08/2019 10:02

If I was being charitable, I might think that if your friend has been there for you through lots of your relationship problems in the past, she might be wary of your excitement at this stage if she has seen you like this before, and just wants you to proceed with caution.

However, your friend's previous comment about it being 'weird' that your new boyfriend was prepared to wait six weeks for sex was really nasty and her comments about it not working because it's a 'long-distance relationship' do suggest to me that she's actually just being a bit bitter and envious of your happiness. Some people do thrive on drama and other people's misery, and being 'the strong one' in a friendship, and those people are the absolute worst.

I don't think an hour's drive/90 minutes on the train is a 'long-distance relationship' either, by the way. It's not like you're at opposite ends of the country!

Your boyfriend sounds really lovely and I hope you have many happy times together ahead Smile

dollydaydream114 · 29/08/2019 10:03

I've just had my friend cancel our plans this weekend under the guise of "you're in a long distance relationship now, aren't you going to go and see him?"

Oh, she definitely sounds like a right cow.

JayoftheRed · 29/08/2019 10:06

When I got with my now husband, we lived in the same city (not London), but, with traffic it could take the best part of an hour to get door to door. So an hour between you is not a LDR!

I suspect she is jealous - the cancelling of your plans this weekend because "you must want to spend it with him" smacks of throwing her toys out of the pram. It's a bit tantrummy. She's jealous, and maybe a bit sad that you will probably be less easily available for her. That's on her - you of course, I'm sure, will always be there for her, but she is seeing you spending weekends and possibly weeknights at his as you not being available for her. Is she in a relationship? Some people can't handle other people having something they want.

Congratulations though! Those first few months of relationship are amazing, enjoy them and don't let her spoil it. As a PP said, I would also be careful what you tell her about any disagreements or anything like that, she may well use them as a stick to beat you both with.

frazzledasarock · 29/08/2019 10:07

Do lived about one and a half hours away from me. I don’t drive either.

We live together now and have dc and cats together.

7Worfs · 29/08/2019 10:10

Frazzle
Adding the cats too, to show the extra degree of commitment raising cats together brings Grin

Original poster
lilyflowerbloom · 29/08/2019 10:18

@7Worfs

That made me laugh on the train out loud!

OP posts:
dayslikethese1 · 29/08/2019 10:23

Do you have a long list of bad relationships in the past OP that your friend has had to hear about? That's the only charitable reason I can think of for her attitude.

Is she single and not happy about it? Not that it's excuse, just trying to understand the context of her weird behaviour. I think distancing yourself is not a bad idea whatever her reasons.

Milkstick · 29/08/2019 10:27

Only LDR I had ended in marriage. Still together, married, things evolved a lot over the years (being apart to moving away together) but it works. He used to send me thoughtful things in post. It can be a lovely way to grow a relationship. :)

ControversialFerret · 29/08/2019 10:37

DH and I lived in different countries when we first started going out. LDR can be challenging but if both parties want it to work, then it will.

Your friend sounds very jealous; she wants your life to be crap so that she can compare hers and feel like she's winning by comparison.

Groovee · 29/08/2019 10:40

That's not long distance and she doesn't sound like a friend.

Likethebattle · 29/08/2019 10:50

I lived more than an hour from DH when we first met. We’d meet up in the city halfway between us. Then gradually I moved in with him as I worked in the city so it made no real difference as he lived slightly closer. It’s not a LDR and if it is so what. You and him know you want to be together. Also 6 weeks is a nice amount of time to work on a relationship before jumping into bed.

LellyMcKelly · 29/08/2019 10:51

She’s jealous. My DP is about an hour away and I’ve never given it a second thought. It’s not an LDR at all. Loads of people live more than an hour from work but do the return journey every day without thinking about it.

badg3r · 29/08/2019 10:55

Under an hour is normal commuting. I bet there are people who live where you do OP and commute every single day to where your DP (😉) is.

RolyWatts · 29/08/2019 10:56

Given that she is already on the verge of being an ex friend I'd be tempted to message or email simply saying -

I am so happy to be in this new relationship and as a grown women I am entitled to be in a relationship with whomever I choose. As a friend, I would have obvious liked it if you were happy for me. Unfortunately this doesn't seem to be the case. I am not looking for advice or your opinion on my relationship, but I suggest you examine for yourself why my being happy is so upsetting to you. All the best.

It sounds like she needs help.

Kaiser1805 · 29/08/2019 11:03

I'm sure that no matter what you can make it work, it's not about the distance it's about the effort you put in, my partner used to be in the army, he was in when we met and drove 3 hours each weekend to see me and stay the night then 3 hours back to camp, we stuck by each other and in the week we FaceTimed to stay close, he got sent away to Germany then put on Guard duty in London so I didn't see him for 4 months, FaceTime was all we had! This was all while pregnant! He left the army and now we live together and our baby is due any day! If you're both putting in the effort and not letting the distance get down you can make it work! This is just my experience and I'm sure yours will be different but I hope it gives you a bit of hope that It can work out! Don't let your friend get you down, congratulations and enjoy your new relationship!

RavenLG · 29/08/2019 11:12

I've just had my friend cancel our plans this weekend under the guise of "you're in a long distance relationship now, aren't you going to go and see him?"
Have you replied? If not this is the chance to call out her shitty behaviour. Don't let her treat you like shit because she is jealous.

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