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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think that my friend keeps trying to ruin my happiness

51 replies

lilyflowerbloom · 27/08/2019 14:26

I have a previous thread about my best friend thinking it was "weird" to not have sex with someone after 6 weeks of dating, that he probably thought we were just friends etc etc. (it's here anyway www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3666570-to-be-upset-by-my-friends-response-to-the-man-I-am-dating)

Anyway, over the weekend the man I was dating asked me to be in a relationship with him

I am ridiculously happy walking around with a huge smile etc., my friend kept prodding me as to why I was smiling. Told her that we were "official"

She didn't say anything apart from "oh right". I took all your comments on board, and kind of brushed it off as maybe jealously? Towards the end of our meet up she said "it's long distance you know, it will never work unless you move in together, which you shouldnt do"

We do live in different cities. He drives, so it takes him just under an hour to get to me. I don't, so maybe up to 1hour 30 on a train.

But, we have made plans well in advance up to October, and we will be spending each weekend together! I also work in between locations and he has already said that he is happy for me to come in the week, whenever!

So obviously we don't live 5 minutes from each other- but even if we did, we're both so busy it's near impossible that I would actually see him anymore than I can at the minute!

AIBU to think it's not a real LDR? And is this another attempt by friend to ruin things?

OP posts:

Purplequalitystreet · 29/08/2019 13:05

I just don't understand her comments. You're happy with someone who appears to be a nice guy. That's great and she should be happy for you. IF your relationship ends due to the distance, or anything else, then it ends. At that point, she can support you.

She's either jealous, or she's been reading too many websites about "dating rules". I think jealousy is the most likely. Has she been single for a long time?

She's not a true friend. Keep your distance. And enjoy your new relationship

vavavoomdeboom · 29/08/2019 13:15

Been there.

Was the single one for years, supporting friends through thick and thin and very flexible.

When I met my now DH was so taken aback at the response from two friends. It was like they couldn't cope with me having a relationship! Horrid behaviour. I let it drag on for three years before cutting them out. Do it quicker.

Been married 20 years now

Bluntness100 · 29/08/2019 13:20

On your other thread I was giving her the benefit of the doubt, as I also felt it strange after six weeks it hadn't progressed past kissing at your ages. However I'd also agree now this is jealousy on her side. An hour apart is not a long distance relationship in any way shape nor form.

frazzledasarock · 29/08/2019 13:21

@7Worfs, it was when we adopted the cats together I realised it was serious. 😆

MisterOnion · 29/08/2019 13:30

I had a friend like that. Found my perfect man and she hated it, always doubted him and thrived whenever DP and I would bicker (she was my best friend so confined in her). Me and my 'friend' are friends no more since I saw her for her true colours ever since she unfriended me when I was pregnant (I don't mean on Facebook, literally just one day, didn't want to be friends).

Your 'friend' is jealous.

savethebeestoday · 29/08/2019 13:31

Christ, she sounds draining and toxic. She is also very jealous of you.

I met my husband when he lived overseas. It was a 2 hour trip to the airport and a 3 hour flight to see each other. We did it for 6 months and then he moved back to the UK. We have been together for 9 years, married for 4 and have an almost 2 year old.

What you have is NOT long distance. We travel 3 hours each way to visit my in-laws, and regularly do day trips to see them!

Get rid of the 'friend' she is nasty and jealous, and will never be pleased for you.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 29/08/2019 13:35

‘We hate it when our friends become successful...’ 🎶

Talcott2007 · 29/08/2019 13:38

1st of all its not really an LDR - DH lived in a different country when we met and we managed true long distance for 4 years before both moving to London for work - We didn't even move in with each other - that took another 12 months! If they are the right person distance really doesn't matter especially with social media nowadays!

She doesn't sound like a friend at all.

honeyloops · 29/08/2019 13:48

Your friend sounds like a miserable cow. My (very happy) relationship started with almost identical circumstances, except slightly more distance between, and it was great for us as a couple. Space, so we didn't move too fast and had plenty of time to really get to know one another (i.e. no, slobbing in front of TV every night from the third week of dating because they live round the corner and it's easy), and enough 'effort' involved that it really cemented that we were willing to make time for each other and it was worth pursuing. It can sometimes be shit - midweek when I'd had an awful day and I just wanted to see him, it would have been nice for him not to have been a 2-hour drive away, but it made moving in together all the more special. Enjoy!

BumbleBeee69 · 29/08/2019 14:12

I recall your original Thread OP, and I stand by my original opinion. Your 'friend' is not a friend atall. She is a spiteful nasty jealous person who will see you happy even for a moment. I'd be keeping the man and ditching the cow.

Original poster

lilyflowerbloom · 29/08/2019 14:19

Thanks for all your replies.

I have a massive tendency to doubt myself and be easily influenced by others comments, so I will make a massive effort not to let my friends judgement cloud me.

Im not sure about cutting her off, she's been a good friend. I will probably give her some leaway right now, and see if she comes round to it. I'm also bearing in mind that her dating life isn't going so well atm so I will try and not say too much.

OP posts:

KadieFae · 29/08/2019 14:20

Thats nowhere near long distance, before me and DP moved in together, I was in England, and he lived in Belgium! Thats distance!

Your friend sounds massively jealous and I would be taking a really big step back from her. Whether you go and see him is up to you, not her!

ShellbyBell · 29/08/2019 17:52

Good idea. She’ll either come around or she won’t. Either way after a while you’ll know where you stand.
Congratulations on the new relationship. It’s a special time.

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 29/08/2019 17:55

Sounds like you have a frenemy on your hands! Don’t let her poison your happiness.

jesuschristwtf · 29/08/2019 17:57

Op - my ldr was in different continents and +8 hours time difference.... 10 years on we are married, two dogs, two kids. 1 hr is nothing at all. Good luck.

Frenchmom · 29/08/2019 17:58

My DH had a longer distance than that for the first 18 months of our relationship.
We’ve just celebrated our 20th wedding anniversary.

Cheeserton · 29/08/2019 18:02

Yes, your friend is shit. Do whatever makes you happy.

coldlighthappier · 29/08/2019 18:21

Your friend sounds manipulating and controlling, speaking from experience it’s not going to get any better so just don’t let it get to you and eventually you two will drift apart

Namechange8471 · 29/08/2019 18:26

Congrats on your relationship!

Dp lived an hours drive from me, we both worked and he still came over about 3 times a week.

We now live together, we moved in together after 2 years .

We now have 2 dogs and are saving for a bigger house!

Your friend sounds jealous, I had a similar experience, up to the point she ghosted me.

It's hard but toy get over it.

Dustyroad63 · 29/08/2019 18:52

My husband and I had a long distance relationship. Two hours apart and I don't drive. He drove down every chance he got and we have been happily married for 9 years now.
I also had a best friend who was actually married so I couldn't understand why she was so jealous.
We were great mates and spent a lot of time together but when I met my man she wasn't happy about it.
I've never known why she just couldn't have been happy for me.
The friendship didn't last as I had to cut her off eventually because she was so off about it.
To be honest she was high maintenance and it was all about her so no loss in the end.
Congrats to you and hope it all goes well x

BlueJava · 29/08/2019 18:57

You need to distance her and move on. She'll blame your LDR, in truth she's a cow, but there's not need to point this out. Just gracefully and quietly exit her life.

MrsTWH · 29/08/2019 19:07

Your friend does sound jealous, OP.

Trying to give her the benefit of the doubt, could she be unhappy as she is anticipating that you will now ditch her for your new relationship?! Will you still make some time for her or will you be seeing your new boyfriend every weekend? I think her text is a chance for you to reassure her that you do still want to see her maybe?

MRex · 29/08/2019 19:26

She sounds toxic, people should be happy for their friends. Hopefully she'll smarten up her attitude soon, though I suspect you'll have to tell her to do so (as that doesn't sound like your style, please ger wording from AIBU!).

1 hour / 1 hour 30 isn't long distance at all, I frequently have longer than 1hr 30 commute time to get to my own house! DH lives an hour from me when we met, TBH it encourages planning to spending whole weekends together when it takes a little longer to nip home. You sound nice, I hope your boyfriend is nice too and it all works out beautifully for you.

TanyaChix · 29/08/2019 22:32

She’s jealous as hell. So jealous she’s cancelled plans to see you because she can’t bear to hear you talk about him. Nobody deliberately cancels plans and suggests their friend goes and sees their bf instead! Petty woman.

TanyaChix · 29/08/2019 22:33

Also when I met my husband we both lived in London - opposite ends - and it genuinely took about 90 mins driving door to door!!!

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