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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Please AIBU with my dad before I go insane

44 replies

Rubbercoffee · 27/08/2019 09:28

AIBU to expect DDad to call before coming over
I have two young DCs
One a baby who doesn't sleep so I'm often napping in afternoon

My phone is on silent 75% of the time

If I don't answer, he will turn up. Not because he's worried, normally because he wants something (usually something "technical" on computer /phone that he can't do). It started to cause a lot of friction with my dH as he is an introvert and those unannounced visits doesn't sit well with him

But despite DH, it's actually really pissing me off too, DDad seems to have this unbearable sense of entitlement that he can't turn up whenever he likes.

I've recently brought this up with him and now he says that he has to "make an appointment" to see me. So I went along with this concept and "made appointments". But he can't even stick to them !

E.g. on Friday I told him to come over after 3pm. Reason being I would be having an afternoon nap with DD2. My DM was round friday and she was taking DD1 out 1-3 so I was left with DD1. He bumped into my DM in the supermarket at 2.15 and DM said to DD don't turn up at RubberCoffee's house she's having a nap with DD2. What did he do - turn up, knocking constantly and wake us both up.

Fast forward to Sunday, I said to come over between 11&12. At 1025 I decided to pop to shop to get biscuits , I got to shop at 1030 I called DDad to say don't leave yet I be back soon , but he had already left, and was in fact 2 mins from my house. I said why have u come early, I'm not there, well...he kicked off massively and it's turned into a huge huge huge argument

AIBU to expect people to come at appropriate times ? And not turn up early when a time is decided ?

OP posts:

Fishcakey · 27/08/2019 09:31

No you're not being unreasonable at all. I had this with my ex MIL. I am like your husband and can't bear unannounced visitors. She then went mad about appointments. You can't win with some people. The only answer is to move house and forget to tell him. I got divorced which was slightly less drastic but worth it!

Barbarafromblackpool · 27/08/2019 09:35

It's just rude isn't it?

Well, you've had the row now. If you can tell him you need time in the day to rest as you've a small baby. Be as blunt as you can bear.

Original poster

Rubbercoffee · 27/08/2019 09:42

FishCakey thank God I'm not alone in this !!!!
I can't divorce my dad
But when I try to explain that he needs to call and arrange appropriate times he goes INSANE
And it makes my anxiety so bad

OP posts:

katewhinesalot · 27/08/2019 09:47

Then you need to inconvenience him. If he turns up then put your coat on and go out etc.
Personally I'd weather the " going insane". He could go insane as much as he likes but it still wouldn't make a difference to my decision.

lemonyellowtangerine · 27/08/2019 09:51

I've recently brought this up with him and now he says that he has to "make an appointment" to see me. So I went along with this concept and "made appointments". But he can't even stick to them !

He wasn't expecting you to call his bluff, that's why! You were supposed to give in to his manipulation and give up on enforcing your boundaries.

DM said to DD don't turn up at RubberCoffee's house she's having a nap with DD2. What did he do - turn up, knocking constantly and wake us both up.

Power trip. And also a really shitty thing to do to someone you're supposed to care about. Who fucking does that, deliberate knocking to wake someone up just to show you won't be told when you can and can't visit?

He kicked off because you didn't give into him and you're standing up for yourself.

Why did you call him though?

He is massively out of order. The only way this situation changes is 1) for you to firmly believe in your right to have boundaries and to maintain those and assert yourself, and 2) to enforce your boundaries, refusing to play his stupid games, refusing to let him in if he shows up announced, refusing to engage if he kicks off or tries to manipulate you.

He doesn't respect you enough to change of his own volition. So you have to change how you manage him.

Calmly, firmly, fairly tell him this isn't acceptable and it's disrespectful. In future when he wants to see you he needs to stick to appointments and if he arrives outside those times you won't be letting him in. When it's time for him to leave you will say goodbye and look forward to his next visit.

And then do exactly that without any deviation or "oh just this once", because if you waver he will push and push until you're back to where you are now. And don't call him to remind him not to come early - he knows, but chooses not to.

If he kicks off, don't engage. Grey rock.

Weezol · 27/08/2019 09:53

My mum went through a phase a bit like this years ago - I just didn’t open the door until around the time we'd agreed. We'd already talked about it a number of times but it felt like I had to physically show her I wasn't 'on tap'.

It took a couple of times and she had a few monster huffs, but eventually accepted that coming at 9am when we'd agreed to 2pm was going to result in her sitting in the car for five hours.

Harsh as it was, it worked and is something that she mentioned recently in a 'what was I thinking' way. I'm far from perfect and also have me fair share of 'what was I thinking' moments too!

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 27/08/2019 09:54

Not unreasonable - I hate people turning up unannounced. I remember when my dad was still alive he had a key to my house, he called me one day while he was at work saying that he was sat in my garden as he fancied sunbathing! Erm, not OK!

lemonyellowtangerine · 27/08/2019 09:56

But when I try to explain that he needs to call and arrange appropriate times he goes INSANE

Manufactured rage. It's an act of manipulation designed to frighten you into submission and make you blame and doubt yourself.

And it makes my anxiety so bad

That's deliberate on his part. Makes you easier to control. Imagine how much calmer you'd feel if you weren't dealing with his nonsense on a regular basis.

This behaviour from him is all about his need for power and control over you.

Original poster

Rubbercoffee · 27/08/2019 09:57

I called him as I just instinctively knew he would leave early... I was back by 11 anyway so I needn't had bothered.

He takes this SOooo personally, thinks i treat him as a second class citizen , doesn't think any body else calls ahead to ensure it's okay to visit!

It's funny because for 27 years I was not welcome at his house due to my now ex step mum and when I try and deliver that blow to him he said it wasn't his choice! And then he twists round and says that it's my DH that stops Ddad coming over ! So then I get more angry as it isn't DH, it's me and how can he be so lacking in respect for me that he doesn't carethta I need to catch up on sleep! He's infuriating!!

OP posts:

Snog · 27/08/2019 10:01

I agree that you need to make sure he is inconvenienced when he turns up inappropriately.

He doesn't sound very nice as well as being inconsiderate and disrespectful.
Maybe cut down on how often you see him.

When he get angry with you just disengage, don't get involved in any discussions.

Cheeserton · 27/08/2019 10:03

YANBU. All the advice regarding the setting of boundaries here is correct, and you need to stick to it solidly. Key thing - absolutely no engagement or escalation of his 'going insane'. Cut him off completely in that situation and do not rise to his crap.

Oldraver · 27/08/2019 10:03

Do you actually like him coming round or is it just more stress for you ? Do you get anyhting out of the visits ?

I would be inclined to reduce them altogether if he cant stand by your bounderies

Cherrysoup · 27/08/2019 10:06

Can you not let him in when he turns up or will he barge past you? Disconnect the doorbell, put a ‘Baby sleeping’ note on it like my neighbour did. It works. He sounds like an I’d. He’s obviously aware how much this upsets you, why is he doing it? Have you said this to him?

Herocomplex · 27/08/2019 10:11

So he’s coming to get help from you with tech/IT stuff, and complaining that you’re not there at the drop of a hat?

Continue to be firm, repeat the same phrases over and again. He’s being completely unreasonable. Tell him to find someone else to help him if it’s not working out. The fact he let you be banned from his house is most certainly his responsibility.

(Go over to the Stately Homes thread if you’re doubting who’s got the problem)

Chamomileteaplease · 27/08/2019 10:15

This sounds very strange behaviour! Do you know what lies at the root of it? Does he think the world revolves around him?

To disturb the sleep of someone with a small baby is one of the seven deadly sins .

I hope this thread will help you with some ideas of how to deal with him because he sounds insufferable.

UndertheCedartree · 27/08/2019 10:21

He is being incredibly rude and very unkind to turn up when he knew you were having a nap. I couldn't handle someone just showing up unannounced. Also if he says can I come over x time and it doesn't suit you it is ok to say no.

As far as I can work out the only way to deal with this is simply not to answer if he turns up without warning or to answer and say we're just going out so it's not a good time. All the while verbally reinforcing that he needs to make an arrangement with you for coming over. Sometimes you have to be a broken record to get your needs met. Good luck

Weezol · 27/08/2019 10:27

Yup - when I left home my mother refused to visit for three years because she didn't like the area I lived in. To go from that to demanding entry regardless of plans after I moved did not wash with me - but 27 years and claiming he had no choice - Bollocks to that!

He had a choice then and he has a choice now. So do you. Lock the door, unplug the landline, put mobile on silent

and close the curtains downstairs.

Let him go insane all on his own. You don't need to be part of this. Repeat after me: We do not reward bad behaviour with attention.

supersop60 · 27/08/2019 10:29

Boundaries. Set some.
"Dad - I don't like it when you xyz, and I want it to stop.
If it doesn't stop abc will happen"
And follow through.
eg, if you're out at the shop LET him turn up early and leave him on the doorstep. Rinse and repeat until he gets it.
If he turns up early and you're sleeping, don't answer the door until the arranged time (even if he's woken you up and you're annoyed)

Missingstreetlife · 27/08/2019 10:34

He's not the only one who can go insane. Just kick off. He isn't listening, speak louder. Stop telling him what you are doing, see him less, much less. Move away if you can

Flower64 · 27/08/2019 10:35

Its the kind of insensitive behaviour you'd see from a bad friend. From your own Dad its incredibly cruel and shows no respect for you whatsoever. I agree don't answer the door at an unarranged time, tell him how rude and disrespectful he's being and tbh if he doesn't pack it in I'd honestly be telling him he's not welcome at all! This just really sounds like he is a person who "wont be dictated to" and is determined to prove that point no matter who he upsets.

Tonnerre · 27/08/2019 10:47

But when I try to explain that he needs to call and arrange appropriate times he goes INSANE

So when he goes insane, treat him like you would a small child having a tantrum. Explain calmly that it is perfectly reasonable to ask him not to disturb you when you're busy or having a much-needed sleep, and that you are not prepared to waste your time listening to him ranting and raving about a perfectly reasonable request. And put the phone down, walk away, or do whatever is necessary to show that he's wasting his time.

timshelthechoice · 27/08/2019 10:55

Wow. Sorry to give you this truth, but your dad is not 'darling', he's actually a weapons grade twat. You weren't allow to go to his home for TWENTY-SEVEN years because he allowed his wife to control him but YOU are supposed to put up with him? You are operating under FOG - fear, obligation and guilt. This person has NO respect for you or your feelings or your family. He has NONE. He is an entitled arsehole. Get to the Stately Homes thread.

But quite frankly, you're going to have to grow a backbone with his selfish entitlement and stop answering the door no matter how he knocks and if he keeps doing it you tell him 'You need to GO AWAY until your appointed time. You are harassing us and I will NOT stand for it anymore.'

If he 'goes insane' I'd actually call 101 on him. He is an emotionally manipulative tosser.

It would be a relief if he cut you off. He adds nothing positive to your life.

FelixFelicis6 · 27/08/2019 11:02

I would 100% stop answering the door (disconnect doorbell if possible), keep your phone on silent & just do not appease him. Every time you give in or let him in he just thinks he’s getting away with it and he doesn’t have to listen to what you say.

Honestly he sounds like a nasty bully who erupts when he doesn’t get exactly what he wants. It’s not someone I’d want to be around (or my children either). Do you enjoy the time you spend with him?

What was he like as a father growing up?

sunnybeachtime · 27/08/2019 11:03

Do you actually want to see him this much?

This would drive me mad. My dad is similar, but I'm just firm on blundaries. So if he texts me to say he is outside my door, and I hear knocking... I just don't answer the door. And say I didn't hear him. My dad is a narcissist, and it sounds like your dad might be as well. Blaming your DH for not 'allowing' you to spend all your time with your dad, when you have two young children?!

He sounds like an absolute areshole to be honest. Was he a good dad to you apart from not letting you over to his house? Would he have dropped everything to help YOU with an IT question?

It's OK to say no.

timshelthechoice · 27/08/2019 11:04

What was he like as a father growing up?

An arsehole who didn't allow his daughter into his home for 27 years because his wife didn't like it. He's definitely a nasty bully.

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