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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Please AIBU with my dad before I go insane

44 replies

Rubbercoffee · 27/08/2019 09:28

AIBU to expect DDad to call before coming over
I have two young DCs
One a baby who doesn't sleep so I'm often napping in afternoon

My phone is on silent 75% of the time

If I don't answer, he will turn up. Not because he's worried, normally because he wants something (usually something "technical" on computer /phone that he can't do). It started to cause a lot of friction with my dH as he is an introvert and those unannounced visits doesn't sit well with him

But despite DH, it's actually really pissing me off too, DDad seems to have this unbearable sense of entitlement that he can't turn up whenever he likes.

I've recently brought this up with him and now he says that he has to "make an appointment" to see me. So I went along with this concept and "made appointments". But he can't even stick to them !

E.g. on Friday I told him to come over after 3pm. Reason being I would be having an afternoon nap with DD2. My DM was round friday and she was taking DD1 out 1-3 so I was left with DD1. He bumped into my DM in the supermarket at 2.15 and DM said to DD don't turn up at RubberCoffee's house she's having a nap with DD2. What did he do - turn up, knocking constantly and wake us both up.

Fast forward to Sunday, I said to come over between 11&12. At 1025 I decided to pop to shop to get biscuits , I got to shop at 1030 I called DDad to say don't leave yet I be back soon , but he had already left, and was in fact 2 mins from my house. I said why have u come early, I'm not there, well...he kicked off massively and it's turned into a huge huge huge argument

AIBU to expect people to come at appropriate times ? And not turn up early when a time is decided ?

OP posts:

sunnybeachtime · 27/08/2019 11:05

'thinks I treat him as a second class citizen

Well, he is second class in importance, after your DH and children.

It's not normal for a father to expect a daughter to put him before her husband and children. At all.

dollydaydream114 · 27/08/2019 11:16

Just because he's your dad, he doesn't have an automatic right to your time and company whenever he happens to want it. You are a grown adult and he no longer gets to dictate what you do with your time or when you have to see him.

Yes, he has to 'make an appointment' and he can either like it or lump it. He's your parent, not your owner.

He honestly sounds like a bully. You've explained to him why it's not very nice for you if he keeps coming round and disrupting your day, and he doesn't care because he thinks he is more important than you and he'd rather deliberately mess up your day and disturb your child's sleep than just be nice.

Deelish75 · 27/08/2019 11:20

Did he apologise for waking you and DD2 up? He bloody should have done! Why did he get angry because you weren’t at home - does he honestly think you should e sat at home waiting for him - he’s a pathetic, selfish man who needs to take his head out of his arse and realise other people have lives as well.

You have my sympathies, I had a very similar situation with my own mother, which came to a head when DC2 was a few weeks old - how dare I put my own and my children’s needs ahead of her wants?!?!

She told me I treated her like an inconvenience and went off in a narcissistic sulk, I didn’t crawl back this time. I can honestly say life is calmer, no interfering, no more being controlled and manipulated.

SandAndSea · 27/08/2019 11:30

YANBU.

He's behaving horribly. I think you need to be very clear, using as few words as possible and then follow through using actions. Eg. make sure you're out if he turns up early. Or, if you're asleep, don't answer the door.

I would also reduce contact. Currently, he thinks he's got the right to behave like this. Less contact will lessen this and strengthen your boundaries.

Another idea could be to arrange to see him outside your house. (Stop inviting him round altogether.) This could also help to reduce his feelings of being entitled to have access to your home.

urkidding · 27/08/2019 11:37

I don't think you should play any games. Be angry, shout at him, tell him how you feel. Tell him you and the baby need your sleep and you never want to see him again unless he changes.
My FIL phoned me up when my DD was a 1 week old, I thought he was going to help with my 4 year old. No, he wanted me to go out and buy a washing machine for him as his had broken. I stopped bothering with him after that. These men have behaved like brats all their lives because their wives were completely dependant on them. You have to shout to be heard.

KurriKurri · 27/08/2019 11:39

I would re iterate to him that he needs to make an appointment (rephrase as check it is convenient for you) before coming over.
Tell him that if he doesn;t stick to this he will not be allowed in. if he turns up early he will have to sit in his car until you are ready.
If he turns continues to break your rule he won;t be allowed to come round at all appointments will be redundant because he will not be seeing you.

If he 'goes insane' (I'm assuming this means shouting swearing etc ?) you tell him that under no circumstances will you allow someone so foul tempered and unstable in your house or near your children, and again unless he sorts out some anger management classes he won;t be coming into your house.

Be firm, stick to your guns, if he kicks off tell him you will phone the police because he is behaving in a threatening manner.

Sorry, I know he's your Dad but he sounds awful.

Juells · 27/08/2019 11:47

Don't answer the door.

stucknoue · 27/08/2019 12:07

Could you try scheduled visits (assume he will be 15 mins early) so he comes on Fridays at 3 and Sundays at 11 for instance

sunnybeachtime · 27/08/2019 12:14

I wonder, OP, if the history is that his ex-DW (your stepmom) did everything for him, and now they aren’t together he’s looking at you to become his proxy wife and sort his life out, rather than taking responsibility for himself?

Original poster

Rubbercoffee · 27/08/2019 12:24

Sunnybeachtime

I have said this to him too, I'm not a replacement wife. He couldn't do anything for himself he's useless. He's had to learn how to cook for himself etc etc

He's always had this type of personality, but it's got increasingly worse since his wife left. He ended up in hospital aonth after for over a month, and he expected me to come daily (despite DD1 being in school and DD2 only 4 months old at the time)... If I couldn't come, I would expect a tantrum from him.

I maybe should try scheduled times each week but that doesn't always work due to DH shift pattern (ie he may be on nights)

I'm so grateful for your support, he got me down so much that i was wondering if my "demands" were BU

OP posts:

Throckmorton · 27/08/2019 12:33

You know what OP - you don't actually have to see him if you don't want to. Certainly not weekly if it's causing you stress. He sounds like an absolute arse

FireBloodAndIce · 27/08/2019 13:06

You need to stop bending over backwards for him both with this and his other demands, hospital etc. Firm boundries and natural consequences. Don't open the door or don't be in until meeting and if he kicks off it's all cancelled.

It sounds like he treated you badly as a child, is playing power games now and the child in you is so desperate for his affection you allow him to bully you.

FazakerlyJackie · 27/08/2019 13:10

He sounds awful, he brings no joy or love to your life at all does he?
And his wife left, and now he is looking for you to run around after him after 27years of not being interested?
I'd tell him to do one, your anxiety will be much improved x

FireBloodAndIce · 27/08/2019 13:11

And by allow that doesn't mean you are to blame at all, just in the FOG cycle as pp said. Only you can break it sadly.

RiskItBiscuit · 27/08/2019 13:15

DO NOT schedule him in to fit his needs! Please!

Could you try meeting him Inna coffee shop or park so it's neutral territory.

I would say that you need to make it clear and repeat the boundaries and, as someone else has said, if he breaks those it is harassment and you are within your rights to call authorities.
If he wants to be involved with you and DC then he needs to change his attitude because I read so many posts on here of people who have not seen this behaviour for what it is and are controlled by their parents!

I agree with PP he's pushing you about and the people who will suffer is you and your DH.

MumW · 27/08/2019 13:20

I also agree that you should ignore him if turns up at anything other than the agreed time and to treat his tantrums as if he were a toddler.
It won't be easy but I suspect it's the only thing you can do.

If necessary, turn some music up loud and escape to the back garden and leave him to it. It's probably a good idea to explain to the neighbours what you're doing.

Csleeptime · 27/08/2019 13:21

Mine used to come over all the time too just after ds1 was born. I'd see him having walked around the house in the garden frequently as he was checking in the grass then he would just walk in. His generation all do the same, his friends are all like it. I asked him constantly to call first, didn't work. One day he walked past into the garden and saw me and DH having some romantic time on the sofa.....Problem solved! Now he calls!

SandAndSea · 27/08/2019 17:34

Brilliant idea! Set him up so he thinks he's walked in on you DTD. He might get the point of having boundaries then.

steppemum · 27/08/2019 17:48

definietly ignore him if he turns up early.

So in the two examples given above, I would ahve NOT answered the door at 2:15, but let him stand and knock until 3. Then if he had a huff, looked shocked and puzzled, and say - But dad I was asleep, surely you didn't want to wake me, when you know I need my sleep.

I would not have phoned him from the shop, and let him turn up early and sit, then say - Oh hello, you are early. But if I was at home, I would not answer the door, and then say Oh Dad, you are early I wasn't ready.

In other words, don't let him in, and then always point it out, always pick him up on it.

Do get in the habit of putting a - don't ring/knock baby asleep - on the door too.

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