Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this controlling?

37 replies

MoonageDaydreamz · 26/08/2019 22:17

I feel silly having to ask this question, but I am just wondering how normal / not normal this is.

To provide context, I'm heavily pregnant, I already have existing dc, and have not had the most straightforward pregnancy.

My dh has a tendency to think he's right and gets annoyed about me disagreeing with him and gets huffy when 'I never listen to his advice'.

He has been trying to get me to hire a PT nanny / mother's help for after the birth as he doesn't think I will cope with both the baby and existing (young) dc. I don't want to do this as I'd rather see if I can cope first, and I've also got my mum near by who is very hands on with helping. I'm quite introverted and don't really like having strangers in the house which is why I don't want this unless necessary.

He has got very irritated with me because I am basically not doing what he wants me to do.

He is also irritated with me if I do anything which he thinks is too much for me physically at my stage in the pregnancy, again because 'I never listen to his advice'.

In his defence, I have overexerted myself with doing too much earlier in the pregnancy, but am now a lot more careful. He is also going into a period of work that will involve very long hours and stress, meaning he won't be available to really help me an awful lot. So he wants to pay for help as he's concerned if I'm struggling to cope it will put more pressure on him.

Basically I am just feeling like I am not allowed to make autonomous decisions for myself and him basically getting annoyed with me and then giving me the silent treatment because I won't 'do as I'm told' (not his words but that's the bottom line) is very unpleasant and is wearing me down.

I suppose I'm asking, is the huffiness when I disagree with him a way of him being controlling, would you expect your partner to give you advice but not get offended if you don't take it?

OP posts:
Original poster
MoonageDaydreamz · 26/08/2019 22:36

Realised this is really quite long after posting, sorry!

OP posts:
Heartburn888 · 26/08/2019 22:38

I think it is controlling to a degree. My partner can be like this and doesn’t like it if I deviate away from his given instructions. I.e I wanted to put the baby’s cot up today but he said no. Why the f*%k can’t I put it up?? It was put up in the end.

Do you call him out on it when he does it? I do to my partner and remind him I’m capable of making my own decisions and I will do what I want (obviously within reason) regardless of what he thinks I should be doing.

I never use to say anything and just did what he asked, not because I thought he was controlling or I was scared of him but because I valued his opinion and genuinely believed that his way could have been the better way. And I know he was only saying what he thought was in my/our best interest so I never go ballistic at him just gently remind him I’m an adult and can think for myself

Beaverdam · 26/08/2019 22:41

No.

buckeejit · 26/08/2019 22:42

I think it's caring. If I was him I'd be worried. Could you compromise & get a cleaner for a few hours a week? You could go to a cafe to be out? I'd want help if possible in your situation, but like you I wouldn't want a nanny. I'd just feel like I was hosting someone else tbh

Loopytiles · 26/08/2019 22:43

Your post does mention some red flags, eg “My dh has a tendency to think he's right and gets annoyed about me disagreeing with him and gets huffy when 'I never listen to his advice”. Reference to silent treatment.

His motivation for his suggestion about childcare seems to be to make HIS life easier. Not to benefit you or your DC.

And lining it up so that if you do find things difficult he can blame you.

Are you a SAHM? If so, was this your choice?

Loopytiles · 26/08/2019 22:44

What ages are your DC?

firawla · 26/08/2019 22:46

If find it controlling because you’ve said you’re not comfortable with his suggestions eg the nanny and he’s still pushing it and huffing. I’d feel the same as you

1stmonkey · 26/08/2019 22:46

No i don't think its controlling. He's obviously feeling frustrated. He knows he's not in a position to support you so is trying to ensure you're not overwhelmed. While his suggestion may not be one you're keen to take up, he's probably not keen to get moaned at for not helping enough.

Loopytiles · 26/08/2019 22:49

Parenting and doing a fair share of domestic work isn’t “helping”.

Speakercube · 26/08/2019 22:51

If you feel as though you are constantly having to fight your corner (I see you mention you find it draining) then I would err on the side of controlling, yes. He sounds very much like my ex who was almost had tantrums if I didn't agree (and often I didn't as we saw things differently) and was often trying to wear me down by keeping onto get his own way. I too found it draining.

Original poster
MoonageDaydreamz · 26/08/2019 22:52

Thanks all.

Dc are 4 (starting school in a couple of weeks) and 2.

SAHM yes but will be going back to work after this baby.

loopy yes I think a big motivation is because of the pressure it will put on him if I struggle, but I do get it as he's going to be very very busy over the next few months, and I guess wants the safety net of extra help (which we can afford).

buckeejit we already have a cleaner and I don't think there would be enough work to justify her coming a second time a week.

heartburn I do call him out on it but he basically says they're decisions that affect the whole family not just me.

It's not that the suggestions are bad per se, it's the huffiness and silent treatment when we disagree.

OP posts:
Original poster
MoonageDaydreamz · 26/08/2019 22:56

If I can't cope, I will get the help, I just want to see how it goes with just me and help from my mum without a stranger underfoot.

I won't get huffy with him for not getting help fron him, the situation with his job is as such that he really won't be physically or mentally around alot to help (this is not a normal job situation, it's just an exceptionally busy time), so I don't expect him to.

OP posts:
Expressedways · 26/08/2019 23:09

From your posts I’m quite torn. His suggestion of hiring help sounds incredibly practical. What if you do struggle or overexert yourself again and he’s not available to help out? Won’t you need a nanny/childcare help anyway if you’re planning on going back to work?

However, your post raises a few red flags too especially that he’s never wrong, easily irritated and punishes you with the silent treatment. Maybe he’s feeling frustrated if he’s trying to make provisions knowing that he won’t be available and you’re being really stubborn about it. Also is it possible that he doesn’t see your Mum as that practical or reliable in terms of the help she can provide? However, it also sounds like he has major problems communicating, and yes possibly control issues.

lilcreed · 26/08/2019 23:14

Hi there. I’m sorry to hear that you’re having a stressful time. Pregnancy, especially a difficult one, can create tension.

I feel that your partner is showing an element of being caring towards you, considering how you may feel/ cope when baby arrives.

However, I also feel that it is slightly controlling to not allow you to at least try to look after the baby initially. Those first few months are important, and I feel that it may break your heart to see your baby sharing that with somebody else rather than you. These precious moments won’t last forever.

Perhaps explain that you understand that he is thinking of you both, however that you at least wish to try and see how things go your way. If he’s anything like my partner, he’ll forget he ever suggested it in a few months.

That being said - don’t struggle alone. As you have probably already experienced, a new baby can be difficult so you will need to rely on the support of others at times.

Wishing you the best of luck and please go with what your gut is telling you. X

NotStayingIn · 26/08/2019 23:14

I'm a bit torn with this one. No, he absolutely should not be getting into a sulk and being an arse about it, but without really knowing you both it's hard to say.

As a slight comparison, when my dad was diagnosed with cancer and undergoing treatment my mom refused to get a cleaner or accept help. She wanted to keep doing everything herself. We all could see that things were going to get too much, and we're getting pretty damn frustrated with her.

She was exhausted and ended up falling off a stepladder whilst cleaning and had to spend time in hospital. Wasn't able to see dad at all for a lot of his treatment, he needed nursing care which he hated and generally, things were worse for both of them because of it.

So that's why I don't know. It's an extreme example. But maybe your husband knows you and knows that how you are planning to tackle the upcoming months isn't going to work as well as his plan. Or maybe he is being unreasonable. I really think only you will know. (But if you are anything like my mom you will keep refusing help regardless.) Flowers

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 26/08/2019 23:14

I dont know.

It does sound a bit controlling but the things he is asking (for you not to do too much again and for you to accept some help) are actually thoughtful. Some people are happy to go with the flow and others find lack of a concrete plan quite stressful. So it may be him trying to feel less stressed by trying to control the situation rather than trying to control you if that makes sense

Stompythedinosaur · 26/08/2019 23:22

I sounds controlling to me. He gets a vote (bit not a deciding vote) on hiring a nanny, but he has zero say in what you do with your own body, whether or not he considers you to be exerting yourself.

Drogosnextwife · 26/08/2019 23:26

I think he sounds worried about you. Did you struggle after you had your other children?
Getting angry isn't great, but is there a reason why he is pushing it so much?

Original poster
MoonageDaydreamz · 26/08/2019 23:35

meringue I think that is it, he finds the lack of concrete plan stressful and I think is trying to control the situation, rather than me.

expressed I agree that he doesn't see my mum helping as 'enough' of a solution due to her age and it not being like a hired help (ie we've paid for x amount of hours), it's more informal.

I would get help if I needed it but I'd rather just see how it goes or at least see where it is best to get the help first (eg maybe a few afternoons a week post school when I'd have all three, or maybe a night nanny a couple of nights a week) so I can see where the most difficult bits are.

I suppose I just feel a bit like I should be able to cope as obviously I'm not the first person to have 3 under 5, esp with my mum to help too, but then dh then says, yes but most partners can do way more than he'll be able to do.

OP posts:
Original poster
MoonageDaydreamz · 26/08/2019 23:41

drogo I don't think I struggled any more than anyone else, it wasn't a breeze, but it was OK.

I think he just doesn't really trust my judgment, or maybe just doesn't trust me to cope.

Maybe I need to think about why he doesn't trust me to cope, I imagine it's because physically this pregnancy hasn't been easy this time round so I'm finding dealing with the kids harder, I'm more snappy etc. But once the baby is born and I've recovered from the birth, I shouldn't find it physically as hard.

OP posts:
Derbee · 26/08/2019 23:43

I think he sounds like he loves you and he’s worried about you. I understand why he gets cross if you have already had a situation where you’ve overexerted yourself during your pregnancy.

If he’s away, and you decide you can’t cope, it’s much more difficult to find critical help when you’re struggling. He sounds like he’d rather you guys have time to interview and choose a nanny before things are overly stressful.

buckeejit · 26/08/2019 23:59

Get him to set up a regular weekly delivery of groceries then with easy cook stuff like lasagne etc? If you have a cleaner then that's a helpful start.

I would have traits like his as I like to be as prepared as possible prior to anything potentially traumatic. Maybe if you agreed to weekly talk times to update each other it could help? As least there's a more, (but still fluid), concrete plan

Gamble66 · 27/08/2019 00:01

A little controlling but I think from a need to be practical and so he's not worrying about you while focused on a difficult period at work.
It would be a difficult job to hire for quickly - I wonder if a childcare student might be a sort of au parish choice ? A bit of support and longer term a baby sitting option

CSIblonde · 27/08/2019 01:27

Yes. Because as you said you have your Mum as a source of support. So the fact that he'd rather have paid help suggests he doesn't want you to have someone around whose automatically in your corner. What's his reason for not seeing your mother as adequate support? That should tell you what his real motivation is.

VladmirsPoutine · 27/08/2019 01:56

If you can afford help I'd take it. Of course you want to see how you manage but I don't think you should write off the idea entirely. Especially so if you have a tendency to push yourself too far and feel exhausted. You can always change your mind but I don't agree with your husband getting angry over it.