Is this controlling?

[MoonageDaydreamz]

I feel silly having to ask this question, but I am just wondering how normal / not normal this is.

To provide context, I'm heavily pregnant, I already have existing dc, and have not had the most straightforward pregnancy.

My dh has a tendency to think he's right and gets annoyed about me disagreeing with him and gets huffy when 'I never listen to his advice'.

He has been trying to get me to hire a PT nanny / mother's help for after the birth as he doesn't think I will cope with both the baby and existing (young) dc. I don't want to do this as I'd rather see if I can cope first, and I've also got my mum near by who is very hands on with helping. I'm quite introverted and don't really like having strangers in the house which is why I don't want this unless necessary.

He has got very irritated with me because I am basically not doing what he wants me to do.

He is also irritated with me if I do anything which he thinks is too much for me physically at my stage in the pregnancy, again because 'I never listen to his advice'.

In his defence, I have overexerted myself with doing too much earlier in the pregnancy, but am now a lot more careful. He is also going into a period of work that will involve very long hours and stress, meaning he won't be available to really help me an awful lot. So he wants to pay for help as he's concerned if I'm struggling to cope it will put more pressure on him.

Basically I am just feeling like I am not allowed to make autonomous decisions for myself and him basically getting annoyed with me and then giving me the silent treatment because I won't 'do as I'm told' (not his words but that's the bottom line) is very unpleasant and is wearing me down.

I suppose I'm asking, is the huffiness when I disagree with him a way of him being controlling, would you expect your partner to give you advice but not get offended if you don't take it?

I'm pregnant with DC2 and think you're being silly. You chose to have DC with a man who has this periodically demanding job where he can't take on a share of housework and childcare. You chose to have DC3 with him. Your family finances will cover outsourcing his share of the grind so do it! Do you really want to interview for an au pair with a newborn, 2 DC and your mum hanging around? Plan ahead for goodness sake. You have no idea how easy or complex birth will be this time around.

As for a cleaner not having enough to do if they come 2x week - stop doing so much cleaning yourself then!

You say you already overdid it earlier in this pregnancy - yet you've not learned from that? You sound a bit martyrish to be honest. If I were your DH I would be fuming at you putting your and baby's health at risk, never mind putting DC at risk by refusing help post birth.

Hmm conflicted. The silent treatment doesn’t sound good but in your DH’s shoes I would feel incredibly anxious that something bad was coming and I couldn’t do anything to help and wasn’t being allowed to minimise the impact.

Can you make it clear to him that you have made your decision but as you would like him to feel more comfortable with it, ask what his concerns are and then make a more concrete plan to deal with those if they come up?

Thanks all, interesting to get a spectrum of opinions.

I think I'll have to think of some sort of compromise which can then maybe be built up if necessary. Maybe a night nanny so I can get at least one night off maybe someone to do a couple of school runs.

Thanks all.

Sounds just like my husband. Blames everyone but himself, gets irritable if I don't listen to him and gets even more annoyed when I argue back. But it will always be that way as I don't allow people to tell me what I can and cannot do. My advice? Tell him to piss off or just simply go against everything he says (obviously within reason) and hopefully he will just give up and let you get on with it. People may disagree with me though

It could be read two ways and I guess only you know which. For me I’d have loved the idea of help with a new baby. But if she saying this to make his life easier? Ie if he’s going to be super busy at work he’d rather pay for say an overnight nanny to see to baby than be woken up? Or he’d rather be able to eat dinner with you as someone to help with baby.
If you feel you can’t say no then there is a problem as you have every right to say no to hired help in your home.

OP has said that when she doesn’t do what he goes into lengthy sulks and gives her the silent treatment.

He clearly has your best interests at heart, but isn't going about it the right way.

I was in a similar position, OP - 3 under 4 (including a non sleeping baby), a husband who worked long hours, no paid help apart from a cleaner once a week (even though we could have afforded it), and a helpful mum. I too would have been a bit irritated about suggestions that I couldn't cope. It was fine! I mean, hard work of course, but basically fine.

He sounds like someone who is used to getting his own way, is not very good at seeing other people's viewpoints and finds it hard to admit that he isn't always right. I wouldn't call it controlling exactly, but I do think that he needs to work on his communication. Maybe after the dust has settled a bit you could consider a few counselling sessions to talk about this issue? My DH and I went on a marriage course a few years ago and it really improved our communication.

In the meantime, I do think this one is your decision as you're the one who is affected by it. I like your compromise solution of getting a few bits and pieces of help where you most need it.

No

Agree with PP about being martyrish.

As he is having a stressful period at work coming up, I can see the thinking that if anything does go wrong , he won’t be able to pick up the pieces and would rather have the back up and support in place now.

Yes, I can see his thinking too, and of course he is absolutely entitled to his opinion, but does that mean he gets to decide unilaterally? And sulk if the OP doesn't agree with him?

He shouldn't be going off into sulks obviously. Maybe compromise with some help when needed and just see how things go. Have you needed help before with the other children?

Thanks all. Interesting you were in the same situation chitarra and it was OK, though tiring I'm sure.

I do agree that working on our communication is needed, we're not in a good patch at the moment, and I'm sure the huffiness is also symptomatic on other frustrations.

I've not had in house paid help with the kids before, only nursery, but my mum has always been hands on. I guess if I find someone wonderful and lovely who my kids like and I don't mind then it's not so bad. I guess I just think of the 3 hours my cleaner is here and that I'm never really that relaxed whilst she's here, whilst I hugely value what she does I'm very glad when she's gone!