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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

ExSister-in-Law dictating visits to in-laws

48 replies

ChorltonCreamery · 26/08/2019 14:52

My kids are in and out of parents-in-law’s house all the time. The eldest goes alone on their bike.
Last year brother-in-law and sister-in-law split up and I started a thread about it on here.
B-I-L now lives with P-I-L and his kids visit him there but also takes them for pizza etc. My M-I-L was a bit upset as she feels his kids aren’t happy in the house. B-I-L’s youngest is same age as my eldest and are the same sex. They don’t fight or anything but in spite of my kids’ efforts the cousins show no interest.
Now ExS-I-L is saying that she doesn’t want my kids in my P-I-L’s house when her kids visit their dad and grandparents.

OP posts:

endofthelinefinally · 26/08/2019 14:53

It is none of her business.

JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 26/08/2019 14:56

Ignore her.

Gruzinkerbell1 · 26/08/2019 14:56

What do your PILs and BIL say?

Alsohuman · 26/08/2019 14:56

Your Mil needs to sort this, it’s her problem, not yours.

InsertFunnyUsername · 26/08/2019 14:58

She can want what she likes, doesn't mean you have to listen. What are your PIL thoughts on it?

MsPavlichenko · 26/08/2019 15:03

Well it is up to your BIL/ILS to sort it.

It may be that she is accurately reflecting what her DC think. Maybe they would need some time on their own with rheir DDad/DGPS. Your DC presumably get time with their DGPS without their cousins?

dollydaydream114 · 26/08/2019 15:21

It’s none of her business and not your problem. If they’re not fighting there’s no issue.

BookwormMe2 · 26/08/2019 15:22

If your kids are there every time your BIL's visit, I can see why it might be causing an issue. Maybe the cousins want their grandparents to themselves for a change? Not to mention your kids hanging around must impact on their precious time with their dad. That could be why they're off with your kids. I don't think ex-SIL is right to dictate visitation, but she's obviously operating in her kids' best interests. Yours can visit any time.

PatriciaHolm · 26/08/2019 15:24

It sounds like she's fed up of her kids having no 1-1 time with their Dad, and having to share all their contact time with him with kids they don't particularly like.

Could that be it?

GreenTulips · 26/08/2019 15:25

This happens to my kids
Other GC is always there, he’s always centre of attention. My kids get nothing.

We’ve stopped going now. Not worth the effort.

LillithsFamiliar · 26/08/2019 15:26

As PPs have said, I don't think this is about how the DCs get on. It's about DB's DCs thinking your children are eating into their time with him. It would be kind of you to give them that time alone with their DF and their GPs. Surely you don't need to visit when they're having contact time?

BookwormMe2 · 26/08/2019 15:29

Having just looked at the other thread you mentioned in your OP, I suspect the SIL is fed up of having to defer to you and your family again. It's history repeating itself.

Dippypippy1980 · 26/08/2019 15:31

This is something their dad needs to understand and address.

You don’t know why this request has been made. It sounds like the children need some time with their father without their cousins there. And that seems reasonable.

There may be tension between he children you don’t understand. The grandparents home has become their dads home, that’s awkward - maybe they need to do homework etc and your kids just want to play.

Take a breath, speak to the adults involved and ask if they need a littlest space. Maybe your children are there too much? Maybe even for the grandparents?

Ideally your BIL would have his own place - but this isn’t ideal so everyone might need to adjust a little

Thatnovembernight · 26/08/2019 15:35

I also think it depends on how much contact time they get with their Dad. They should be able to have one on one time with their parent and grandparents.
I do think it’s rude if she is dictating when they can and can’t there. But I also think it’s a valid point if their cousins are there almost every time they go over.
Hopefully BIL will get his own home before too long which would solve the problem for everyone.

Antonin · 26/08/2019 15:35

@Dippypippy1980 has good advice.
Find out contact time and tell your DC not to visit at those times.

MRex · 26/08/2019 15:40

It would be best for your BIL to talk to his DC and find out what they want. That might be time alone just with him, or with him plus grandparents, or maybe they're just generally upset at the moment and actually would like to see their cousins occasionally. Once he knows what they want it's fair to work around them a bit because they're going through a hard time at the moment and don't have the opportunity to be with their dad whenever they like. It's so tough on children of all ages when parents break up, try to be kind.

stucknoue · 26/08/2019 15:40

Assuming they visit 1 day weekly it's perfectly reasonable for 3/4 weeks a month for your kids to avoid pil at their visiting time. If they are there 50% of the time then it's harder but they need time with their dad without their cousins. Perhaps mil is not wanting to say anything because she doesn't want to upset you leaving it to ex sil. It's not ideal but won't be for ever I'm sure

Fundays12 · 26/08/2019 15:41

Sorry but I am going with everyone else here you are being unfair if your kids are frequently there why do they need to be there when the other grandkids are there? It means your kids get loads of one to one bonding time with there grandparents and the other kids get very little to none. How would feel if it was the opposite way around and your kids couldn’t get one to one time with there grandparents and dad because of other kids constantly being there?

This has happened to my kids for a long time as some DHs family always have there kids around (even come to my house when she occasionally babysits visits with there kids which I find very odd and a bit intrusive as I didn’t invite them) . It’s really frustrating as not only are my kids being denied a chance to build a proper bond with there grandmother they are also having to spend the whole time listening to how wonderful there cousins are as that’s all MIL talks about when they see her as her whole life revolves around them.

Please let the other kids have time with there dad and grandparents too without your kids being there.

HennyPennyHorror · 26/08/2019 15:45

I agree with others that BIL"s children need more care and attention given their parents have split. Your inlaw's home is now their Dad's home and it's probably really weird and upsetting for them to have to share that special time with their cousins.

Coyoacan · 26/08/2019 15:47

Well, if the cousins don't get on, surely it would be better to visit at different times.

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 26/08/2019 15:47

I really like (most of) my cousins and I still wouldn't have wanted them there every time I saw my dad.

How often do the cousins get to see their dad on their own? Is this the real reason for all the trips out.

I wouldn't see it as dictating but your exSIL trying to make sure her kids' needs are met.

Piffle11 · 26/08/2019 16:00

I used to have something like this with DC1. MIL would ask to have him, and then when I took him round to her house, her other DGC would be there. He was three years older, but it totally changed the dynamic. Sometimes children like to be the centre of attention, and if there is another grandchild there also vying for attention, it can create friction. I can completely understand your ex SIL wanting her children to be there on their own: I don’t think she is dictating anything, I think she is merely saying that it would be nice for her children to have a bit of one-on-one time with their dad and grandparents.

Sunflowers211 · 26/08/2019 16:07

Ffs it is not a competition and I am sure the GP would love to see ALL their GC without this stupid conflict. Bil could take his kids out, nothing stopping him is there?

No body should dictate anything, this is your MIL house and she should do as she pleases.

diddl · 26/08/2019 16:09

Do you think that the kids have said something to their mum?

How often are they there?

The way your eldest can turn up when they like maybe just highlights their situation.

ChuckleBuckles · 26/08/2019 16:15

Having just looked at the other thread you mentioned in your OP, I suspect the SIL is fed up of having to defer to you and your family again. It's history repeating itself.

Ding ding we have a winner, this poor SIL was not allowed to have some of her family members at her own wedding, MIL insisted on having various other people attend though, then SIL has to shoulder the bulk of financial responsibility as BIL has anxiety and cannot cope with work, then when he inherits some money instead of it being their family money BIL gives a chunk to another family member and cancelled the cruise that SIL was overjoyed about.

Give the poor woman a break OP, she has put up with enough from ex-inlaws.

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