ExSister-in-Law dictating visits to in-laws

[ChorltonCreamery]

My kids are in and out of parents-in-law’s house all the time. The eldest goes alone on their bike.
Last year brother-in-law and sister-in-law split up and I started a thread about it on here.
B-I-L now lives with P-I-L and his kids visit him there but also takes them for pizza etc. My M-I-L was a bit upset as she feels his kids aren’t happy in the house. B-I-L’s youngest is same age as my eldest and are the same sex. They don’t fight or anything but in spite of my kids’ efforts the cousins show no interest.
Now ExS-I-L is saying that she doesn’t want my kids in my P-I-L’s house when her kids visit their dad and grandparents.

It sounds like this comes from the kids. Look at it from their POV. How would you feel if every time you saw your parent as a child, your cousin was there playing, talking away and taking all the attention?

You do need to give the children space with your bil and his parents. This has also become your bils home. You say on the other thread he has anxiety and doesn’t have much money. He should be able to see his children without yours around. And his children should be allowed to see their gps without your dcs, who can visit any other day of their choosing.

Have some compassion for these children instead of always expecting life to run as you see it. They need to recreate a family unit. How can they do it when yours are around??

I think under the circs it's ok.
You need to let your nieces / nephews have a relationship with their dad and their grandparents,

The kids need time on their own with their DF. What's your problem ?

You sil has put up with a ton from your entire family. Her kids need to come first when they visit right now. This poor woman has been treated horribly, and her kids need extra love and affection.

Your ExSiL has a point, and I think she's right. The children need to be able to spend time with their dad and grandparents as a family unit.

It's bad enough for them that their mum and dad have split up, and now they probably feel that their cousins spend more time with their dad than they do. It will be making them miserable. They would probably like their GPs undivided attention sometimes too.

Yes, cousins need to spend time with one another, but not quite this way.

ChuckleBuckles I can't AS on the app but going from your summary I am very much #teamexSIL

Link to previous thread: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3373657-My-wedding-and-Brother-in-Law-s-relationship

I agree with everybody, the SIL has a point

Thank you asprinkling

Goodness me! Poor woman!

Team Sil here

Absolutely #teamsil!

You see there is no formal arrangements although a natural rhythm emerged during school holidays.
My M-I-L thinks that the kids aren’t actually bothered about their dad. S-I-L has never been interested in me even when we went to same baby type groups.
I accept what you have advised that the kids need to see their father alone but he is living in someone else’s house. I accept that I will ring first before we go round but I am really loathe to instruct eldest that they can’t drop round to see their own family... it has been wonderful to see a new found confidence that this independence has given them but will ask them to make their excuses if cousins are there.
I think the whole thing is sad!
Thank you for your responses.

You are not instructing them they can't drop round at all. You cpuld ask your BIL when he has his DC and ask your DC not to go round then. Perfectly reasonable, and unlikely to destroy confidence.

All the other stuff about what your SIL did/ thinks or your MIL's opinions are of no importance here.

Poor bloody sil.

@Alsohuman ??

Is this not a great opportunity to teach your child a bit of empathy and social awareness?

Your comment about their dad living on someone else’s house comes across as a bit selfish, and you seem to be ore focused on yourself and you children than this poor family that has just been blown apart Andy these kids who find themselves trying to navigate their new living arrangements.

Maybe just try and be a little kinder?

It is not just that they deserve time with their Dad They also deserve time with their GPS alone just as your DC do. And already have. Surely you can see that?

Yep, I’m with dippy

really loathe to instruct eldest that they can’t drop round to see their own family... Oh it's not that dramatic, have they actually said they can NEVER drop round? Is it not just to give them a bit of time with gps and their dad?

YANBU.

I remember your previous thread - am glad your SIL has found the strength to kick her H out. Your IL have treated her appallingly - and it's to her credit that she's still trying to ensure the kids have a relationship with their DF and GPs. Not sure what it says about you that you are whinging about the fact that your kids can't wander in and out and have first dibs...

I agree, it's far from ideal that BIL is living with his parents and can't see the kids at his own plane right now, but presumably needs must right now.

It will all be much easier when he is able to move out.

Agree with Dippy, you do seem more focused on how you and your kids are affected than thinking about the other grandkids who must be suffering after their parents' divorce. Why raise SIL keeping her distance at baby groups, other than to paint her in a bad light? Given what she went through on your previous post, it can't have really been a surprise she didn't want to be friends with you!