to think DH is being unreadonable?

[Yolo89]

So I took my two DD's on holiday a week before DH joined us. They are still young and argue lots so it is hard work. DH had a week child free (albeit working) so I was hoping he'd arrive with a fresh energy and enthusiasm. Well he arrived wednesday night and thursday morning we went for a walk and both DD started whinging - one had a mosquito bite and didn't want to wear a shoe and was screaming. It was a difficult situation as the other was saying non stop 'carry me'. Anyway DH lost the plot and threw DD shoe in anger in front of a bewildered local. It was mortifying. I walked on so embarrassed and angry that DH got so angry so fast. He is depressed and has an issue with drinking and not seeking enough help but I fear all this .akes him sp angry all the time but he doesn't see it. He thinks it is DD but I feel she us mimicing his behaviour. I just feel so dragged down by his anger and irritability I dont know what to do. He says throwing the shoe is out of line bit doesnt do anythjng about it. Plus he has spent rhe whole time on his phone which drives me mad!!!! Help how do I approach all this? I've told him.to get counselling but he says he can't afford it. His patents offered to pay but nothing has happened. They dont get him..They think he should just pull himself together. I feel so stuck.

Tell him he needs to leave until he can actually sort himself out. I've seen so many threads recently where people don't consider the effect their partners behaviour will have on their children. Why allow them to grow up in a miserable household? He is prioritising his drinking, so why should you prioritise him? Tell him to go if he doesn't want to change.

Yes that is a good way of thinking about it. He is prioritising his drinking and trying to get better over us. He does not think he affects the children but he does not see himself drunk. He has not bern drinking on this trip but his anger and depression really take over. He just never seems happy and light hearted and enjoying life.

Would you like to separate? Sounds like you’d all be happier?

Are you the op whose husband went awol the night before they were due to go on holiday? This sounds exactly like that’s husband. If he refusing to seek counselling and help himself then I’d be looking to leave. This is not the behaviour you want your children mirroring.

Travis no that was not me. He isn't exactly refusing counselling it is more a financial thing as he really needs it weekly and money is a big stressor currently. His parents said they would pay but haven't done anything. I believe if he got better we could be much better.

Thehop - no not really. But I cannot continue on like this. I am pushing him to get help and made him see the GP too.

Excuse the typo! Unreasonable!

How long are you going to give him? One year could easily turn to 10 with empty promises.

You can self refer for counselling on the nhs- for a couple of people I know it took about 2-3 months to be allocated a slot, they were then given an initial 6 sessions with the option of more if the counsellor so advised.Some areas ( most?) offer support with giving up/reducing alcohol. But it sounds like the offer to pay is there and DH doesn't want to engage. No-one one else can arrange it for him, he needs to show he wants it by sorting it out himself.
If he's not committing to it, it won't work. And it might not solve all his issues anyway.

vlad - well I have not put a time on it bit truly I can't last ten years. The problem is - apart from.that I want it to work is that I am financially dependant on him as I've gone back to study. I have no family in the country either..But I am not willing to sit by and put up with this. I am insisting on.the counselling. His drinking I have no time for and this if it gets worse will hasten things as I cannot put up with the way he is.

Delp - he has tried NHS counselling. Unfortunately (well fortunately) as he wasnt deemed siicidal, he cpuld only have an.app once a month which is useless. He had seen an.nhs alcohol service but im.not alloeed to go with him.and im not sure if he still going.

His dad thinks he should snap put of it. They are coming to see him.soon but feel theu think he is ok now as I have not reported anything bad to them for a while. Which obviously is not true . The only way forward is counselling as he doesnt talk to me or anyone about what is going on. Even tye last counsellor said you have to give me something to work with.

The trouble is OP that people who have a drink problem cannot see that anything is their fault and how their drinking is affecting those around them. Also, for any counselling to work, they have to accept that there is a problem in the first place and they have to reach the point where they want help themselves. It's a waste of time for his parents to tell him to snap out of it - it really isn't that simple. It's great that they have offered to pay for help, but it will be a complete waste of money if he isn't ready to change. There should be a local alcohol advisory centre close to you that could offer help, but again, he has to want to do it. I'd contact Al-Anon (a service that helps families of drinkers) and ask their advice but again OP, he has to acknowledge that there is a problem and he has to want to do something about it. Also maybe make an appointment with your GP, and ask for help, as it seems that you are not coping either.

Suzisunshine - thanks. It is very true - DH truly has no idea of the pain he causes me or the effect he has on the children. None at all. The nights when he has a blow out (could be once a month) are beyond horrible as he suddenly lashes out at me with all the things he really feels but as he is such a bad talker will never say. He then tries to compare his anger to what I am goung through with peri-menopause. It is in no way similar.

He agreed his anger with the shoe throwing and he agrees on some level the drinking is bigger than him and that there is an isdue but then will turn around and call me controlling saying I stop him.going out and having a good time. Absolutely not the case - it just sadly is the only eay he can socialise - with a drink. And when he goes out it is often a spontaneous work dronk that turns into 3am - hence I'm not overly happy as I can never do spontaneous drinks after work and would not arrive back at 3am drunk.

So he admits it to a point, but doesn't really, truly want to fix it. I don't feel.

His behaviour teeters between loving, caring husband as he is and then such anger at things. He is the complete opposite of who I married.

I know that person is there but I think until he sorts himself out, he will drag everyone down.

His main.source of depression stems from a medical condition which stops him doing lots of things. On top of this financial problems which he has not been transparent about which I am.really upset I by.

I think the main barrier to see a counsellor is money as is 80 per week. His parents said they would pay but haven't so far.

I just can't go on in this way as be is so fo used on himself and withdraws into his phone and I feel is not fully engaged in.the family. I resent him.each day for what he is doing . It is not a lost cause but he has to do it.

I did contact al-anon. I dont think a meeting is what I am after. The problems need counselling as there is depression etc. He wont let me attend the GP or the alcohol service as this is controlling apparently.

I I go to my gp about my peri menopause regularly and have brought up issues. The Dr is worried I too will get depressed. The problem is they only person that can do something is him

hello! Is anyone out there?!

Op, I think you need to stop making excuses for his behaviour. Yes, there may be reasons why he behaves this way, however the effect on your children is untold. Their childhood is being ruined. Can you forgive yourself for this?

You need to protect yourself now and your dc, you cannot be dependent financially on this man, you need to find a job and leave him.

Read the threads from people whose fathers were very similar to your dh. It's their mothers they feel let down by, and many are and unable to forgive them for staying with their fathers.

You can't force someone to have counselling and help themselves. If they don't want to then that's it. Why would you waste your time on someone so selfish? Don't be an enabler. You make too many excuses for him.

I left my career and about to start a Masters so cant work full time for two years. I am a bit stuck. But I dont want to leave I just need him to sort himself out.

Can you tell me how I am making excuses for him? I am quite tough on him about the issues. We are both just a bit stuck with no family in the country and financially. I really feel caught between a rock and a hard place.

He left out holiday to go back to work and last night I was telling him to find a counsellor and ask his parents about paying as they promised..

He can't move out of the house to sort himself out - he can't even get a lease.

I feel really stuck and have to keep my girls happy on a daily basis and look.after them which is exhausting. I don't need anothet child.

Given I dobt want to separate but to improve and anyway my only option is to leave the country as I'd need to move in with family, what do I do?

Hus family are coming here to visit but now thry have turned it into a holiday and I don't think they take his issues seriously.

He would do counselling
He just can't pay for it.

He needs to want to change. Whilst waiting for counselling funds he could easily get self help book from the library, listen to one of a million podcasts about getting better, read ideas and implement them online.
I would also be very surprised if you aren’t allowed to go to alcohol services, unless a group as they often have to support caters. It’s much more likely he hasn’t given consent to share information with you which his choice, not that of the service.

You saying he's behaving like this due to his depression or financial worries etc is excusing it. His behaviour sounds abusive. The reasons for his behaviour doesn't matter here, what matters is the impact on you and your dc.

Could you yourself ask his parents for a loan for counselling? If not, would you consider moving into a refuge in order to protect your dc?

You may need to put your studies on hold for now, and work on getting out of this relationship.

I don't mean to sound blunt, but I think that's what's needed here. He has no incentive to change while you are stuck with him.

Digestive - yes it is totally him saying I am. lt allowed to go. It is private. Which I get although this is affecting me too so I feel we should work on his recovery together. Well he has to do it, but I support him. He very much doesnt see it like this. Which is really frustrating. I agree he could be doing so much more. He says he will but then slips into his old ways and thinks all is ok. He gets angry if I bring it up. It is a vicious circle.

Forgot - can I ask which bit of the behaviour sounds abusive? I'm not trying to exvuse, rather give an explanation for as he sused to be the gentlest, calm guy. Life has happened and changed him.and I just feel powerless as I can't fix him. A Refuge is a bit extreme for my circumstamces. However his behaviour needs to be addressed and his problems looked at.

I havw asked indirectly for his folks to pay for counselling through a mutual friend but I can't ask again direct only through this friend. They are coming to visit in.October bit are a family of terrible talkers so not sure they will talk. I was going to try and set up a counselling session.with the whole family to aid talking.

I have to go to study to get into work - It oltakes two years and then im in.the workforce again. my former career is not possible anymore.

I feel quite at a loss at what to do as there is no.easy answer to this.

Yolo, his anger outburst in front of dcs is aggressive and would have scared them no doubt.

What is the atmosphere like in your home?
Would you describe yourself as walking on egg shells so that he doesn't have an angry episode? You say he's often a loving husband and father, but also quick to anger. Subjecting your dc to this sort of volatile environment at home is abusive. He also seems to be emotionally neglecting his dc, by being glued to his phone. That's also abuse.

Your situation seems so tough, you seem so lost, I'm sorry there seems to be no way out. Can you go back to work and save to move out? Do you own your house? Can it be sold and you buy or rent a smaller place?

I suggested a refuge because it seems to be the only alternative. You would at least be giving you and dc the chance to rebuild your lives.

I am currently divorcing my abusive husband, it took a long time, I was very naive in that i didn't think it was abuse. Abuse comes in many forms.

If you move out, it would at least give your husband the incentive to get help for himself.

Forgotmycoat - I am so sorry you had an abusive husband. It is very tough. I hope you are feeling ok. I have just done some training fpr a volunteer role and we did training on domestic violence. I know it comes in many forms and I didn't really relate to it. He is angry when drunk and no I am not walking on eggshells at home but I do wonder when the next drunk episode will be. His drunken behaviour is abusive in his words.

The phone is driving me nuts as he literally is glued to it and not present. I feel it is him retreating into his own world.

I am lost. We don't own the property that we are in. He can't even get a rental property as he has a financial black mark against his name at the moment - this is a bone of contention too. Major tax debt unpaid as he was out of work but he never told me the scale of his debt and then debt collectors turned up with a letter asking for £30,000. Yes..Horrifying. Major bone of contention.

The only thing I can do is leave the country and go to my family but I still feel it is fixable. Taking two children adds complication.

I am really really stuck.
I am looking into a counsellor this weekend. He thinks I have a problem with everything he does - ah yes cause I do.

How are you Yolo?
I have no advice to give. I just wanted to say I get that feeling of being trapped and stuck. I was stuck with my ex, for years. I am free now.

Have you tried to call Women's Aid? Would your husband agree to move into a flatshare and work on your relationship and his alcoholic issues? Could he look into property guardianships? These are empty properties that require people to live in them?

Would you be able to work at all, even part time?

Sending you hugs and strength x