Deal breaker in new job?

[Scubajumper]

There is no right or wrong person in this scenario.

I took on a new position recently in a small business. I sat down with one of the 2 owners Mr A and had a long chat, we really clicked professionally. However I report to and work on a daily basis with the other owner Mr B.

Mr B is a great business man and has many skills that I could learn - great negotiator, very intelligent, great multitasker etc. We just never sat down to talk before I took on the job - totally my fault, I should have insisted. He is a busy man.

I come from another industry where we put a lot of focus on human relations. E.g. pick up the phone when you are thinking of sending an email, help those around you grow professionally, blame the system not the person etc.

Mr B is busy. He prefers all communication to be done via email. He does not care about small talk or being friendly. He’s made it really clear that he’s here for the job, it’s all business when it comes to me. There are staff members that he is “friendly” with but he has known them for longer I guess.

I’m struggling with the work environment. I know it will sound silly... but the emails can sound quite harsh. There are no good mornings or thank yous. It’s literally “do it”, “why did you do this?” or “why did you not do this?” Lots of one liner emails...

Mr B was actually nice and smiling when I came at the interview. It’s all gone downhill since then... I have never received anything positive even though I know I have achieved a lot more than my predecessor.

Part of me feels that it’s a good learning opportunity but i don’t feel happy... I’m on my own in my department. So if I don’t report verbally or discuss things, I will spend my whole 9 to 5 not talking to a single soul.

Am I asking for too much?

I've recently been trained on Insight Discovery - based on research by the psychologist Carl Jung's Colour Energies (Fiery Red, Cool Blue, Sunshine Yellow and Calm Green) and it has been an eye opener in explaining how people's different communication style preferences can make or break working relationships.

Mr B is quite far into the Red-Blue spectrum (matter of fact, deals with the immediate, wants results, fact fact fact). Your own self-description sounds predominantly Yellow (Creative, intuitive, consideration for others, whilst also action oriented).

Mr B is the boss, I wouldn't suggest you ask him to modify his style however you do have a choice whether to work for him and whether you are willing to work with his comms style,

Frankly, he sounds like he has never been challenged about his abruptness, and unless you're willing to risk him having a visceral response to your opinion of his terse emails, the best you can do is understand that he is that type, and at least you know it isn't targeted at you personally.

People like him are so thick-skinned they never join the dots and realise how unpleasant they are to work with. They stab away at their keyboard rather than invest in the relationship. Totally his loss because when it comes to expecting staff to go the extra mile, they invariable won't, and why should they?

I wouldn't leave but I would talk to Mr. B about his communication style and also learn about "managing up" so that it can help you understand and learn the best way to get the job done.

Re: not talking to anyone else during work, could you go to another area/department for lunch? Or encourage some of them to have a walk at lunch?

I left a job like this earlier this year and it's the best thing I've done in a long time. I now work for a big organisation where we're all working towards the same goal, no one sends me rude emails (at 5am!) demanding I explain my every decision, and when things go wrong it's "how do we fix this situation" not "how could you be so stupid as to think this supplier would what they said they would do" (for example). My professional judgment is respected and I no longer get a nervous twitch when I switch on my computer in the morning and see unread emails. I can't recommend it enough.

In my old job it wasn't actually that my manager, a director and one of the company's owners, had an abrupt communication style. Well, it was, but it was symptomatic of the fact that he saw himself as the only competent person in the world and his employees were never going to be good enough. If he worked in a bigger organisation or in a more junior role he'd have found the extra 3 seconds it takes to be civil, but because he owned the company he didn't have to. It will be a long time before I ever work for a small company again - I think the "family" feeling brings out the unfiltered worst in some people.

Incidentally I don't think this is an introvert/extrovert thing. I'm very much an introvert but I need to be spoken to like a human being in order to get through the working day!

I’m an INFP too, but would much rather clear cut and to the point comms, than having to decipher the meaning from a load of management speak and fake platitudes.

People like that are also more likely to stab you in the back IMO. I can’t stand workplace politicians.

If it’s feedback and positive reinforcement you need, take control of your 1:1s, and seek it there.

I had a boss like this and it was really draining. There was just a complete coldness that was demoralising. Never any please or thank you, never any positive feedback. I ran myself ragged trying to get some positive interactions but literally nothing. But, I’d say be careful what you wish for with facetime. The manager was even worse in one to one meetings than over email and used to manage to make me cry frequently. I’m not a snowflake- I’ve worked in many situations like you and with many people. Some people just have a special knack of being cold.

For me, this would depend on how much you need (financially and professionally) this job.

If you had a good chance of finding something elsewhere where you would get the sort of management you'd thrive with, I'd be off, with an honest explanation (in 'I' rather than 'you/he' language, obviously).

The abrupt communications are one thing, but raising his voice to you is quite another. I'm sure he manages to keep that under control with clients etc.

I just walked from a job where a Mr b has just arrived. Not for me.

I could cope with Mr B if I had a great team of friendly colleagues to interact with every day. I have worked completely on my own in a couple of jobs and haven’t stayed long as I found them very lonely.

I’m like MR B OP!

Worked for a large multinational as a head of department with many people reporting into me and part of the management training course they addressed this! —probably on the basis of feedback from staff— now i write what i want in an email then go back and top and tail it with something flowery.

Not sure how this helps or how you get Mr B to take this up to make your working life easier.

Mr B sounds very task focused
Maybe you could ask for a regular one to one meeting to discuss work in person?

Mr B would make me dread going to work.

I'm a B type (and frankly delighted to be self-employed rather than in an organisational hierarchy!). I don't hold a lot of store by this ABCD personality type parachute/colour stuff. He's your boss. You're there to act on his (and others') instructions. There is a very limited extent to which you can reasonably ask him to modify his communication style, otherwise you're possibly creating more work for him than you are helping. If you can't find a solution within the org (for example, seeking out other people to make your work day less isolated) I would say that leaving is the only option.

This reminds me of a company director at the last company I worked at. His emails were always written in lower case, no punctuation and very terse. I remember someone once emailing with him, writing a very long, detailed and polite email. They then got the reply from him, which was this k
That was it. It was just his style. It felt like he was too busy for any kind of detail. Sounds like Mr B is similar.
I am not sure if this would be a reason for me to leave, I would look at the entire picture. What is the work like, the clients, the colleagues, the pay..
Strange though that they didn’t make you meet him at interview state though!

Strange though that they didn’t make you meet him at interview state though!

Could be that previous incumbent had issues with B and the company wanted to avoid a repeat.

If it's making you miserable it's not the right job for you.

You sound experienced and self aware. You could speak to B about how you both communicate but it sounds you are incompatible and he is your only human contact in your job.

I worked with someone like this and felt we were speaking another language. We worked in healthcare on the frontline. When we discussed our patients she wanted the nitty gritty details in bullet point form( heart rate, blood pressure etc) and I couldn't help but give the big picture ( e.g they are upset today and voicing worries about the future) and to me she was missing a huge part of what was occurring for that patient.

Neither is wrong we just had totally different focus and communication style. I couldn't work with her long term.

Because we're socialised to ask for thing politely and make a bit of chit chat I think we find it hard when people don't. So he is being rude. I personally couldn't be arsed with every email from my manager making me bristle a bit. Also he sound quite self important, like tge normal rules of human interaction don't apply as he's so busy. I'd look for another job.

I view small talk in work emails as time wasting. This could be a T/F thing rather than an E/I thing

Me too! I can't cope with what often seems to me to be quite fake greetings and chit chat.

I want to discuss the work and only the work. It's not personal but I don't have time to craft emails which meet the sender's style. I'm always a bit nonplussed when I get emails or Slack messages with emojis for example.

I work remotely and have a unisex name and apparently people assume I'm a man due to my somewhat abrupt style of communication.

I don't care about the people I'm writing to....why would I pretend to?

I think there is a big difference though between a direct communication style (which I have) and being cold though. It’s not that hard to be direct and kind or to be direct and give praise.

I’m really not questioning if Mr B is a good person. I know that he is very intelligent and sometimes I feel that he thinks that everyone else is an idiot and not worth his time.

His emails are sometimes with cap locks on, which I know mean nothing... but it does feel like he’s shouting.

Work environment-wise, the other staff members are nice, friendly. One staff member said to me “it’s a particular bad morning in terms of one liner emails” so I know I’m not the only one and I don’t feel targeted in any way.

Maybe I’m too sensitive.

As I said I spent a long time chatting with Mr A over a coffee before I took on the job. Mr B and I did not speak. He was in the office but just did not join us or speak with me. I know I seem stupid, taking on a job when I had not spoken to Mr B.

The job is interesting, the pay is market rate. It’s a role that was previously outsourced and now taken in house. So, the role is literally what I make of it.

I’m not desperate for the job, my other half earns enough to support us. My motivation to take the job was to have a sense of self-worth, to contribute to making something better.

I like the job. I like Mr B in terms of his professional qualities. I would prefer for it to work out. The question is whether his communication will drive me crazy!

I had similar very recently. A & B. I had no communication at all with A, from the 2 months since I was hired. I didn't see him, no emails nothing. He was so busy. A nice man I'm sure.

I'm not there now!

In terms of what you were originally hoping for from the job, for the short and medium term, is it ticking those boxes?

You mention that other than Mr B there is v little social interaction in your role. That sounds like a problem - even if you got on great with him - given what you’ve said about your preferences.

I would go with Mr B’s preferred communications style, but would speak to Mr B about specific examples of rudeness, eg your examples above. I had a colleague (a peer with whom I collaborated) who, when she disliked what I’d done or not done or wanted me to do X or Y, would send those kind of one line messages. It stressed me out, so I spoke to her about it, and though remaining v direct she did reign it in.

“My other half earns enough to support us” sounds very naive. Unless you have substantial personal assets, pension provision etc you need your income.

Gosh - that's difficult. Maybe you must need a bit more time, particularly if you like the job. My boss is Mr B. I am also a Ms B, work from home frequently, I have to go into the office half the time but would prefer to never go in, never talk to anyone and just get on with my job at home! I recently chatted with a woman in my department and she was moaning about our boss, saying his emails were abrupt, that he was such a rude man etc. I can see where she is coming from, but it obviously upsets her a lot (which I hadn't known), but I am used to his style and totally fine with it. His emails have no greeting, no sign off , just a one line demand or question maybe.

Maybe arrange a meeting with him to discuss your progress etc, do you have any reviews/appraisals? Can you get some feedback?

Although , it does sound as though it's not a great fit for you with this job. you sound like opposites in your communication needs.

Just trying to understand it - do you object to what he is saying- some of the replies talking about him being excessively micro-managing - which I didn't get from your post?
Personally I prefer the direct approach- I've generally worked places where day to day communication is direct and to the point- the appreciation is done off line - so you actually have to set aside time to have meetings to get feedback . I think it becomes easier if you have had good feedback as then you can take the emails in context.
The other thing to do is to call him out on it if he goes too far - there is a different between blunt/direct and rude

@CrumpetyTea thank you. Mr B is not a micro manager. He is a self proclaimed control freak but he usually gives me things to do and they get done. He sometimes double checks if things have been done, they always have.

Mr A said to me that he wants me to make Mr B’s life easier and to take on as much as I can to free up Mr B’s time.

It is literally just the communication. He does not speak to me face to face. He does not want to speak on the phone. He wants to send one liner emails and have me reply via email. It’s impersonal and also not very efficient either. We have email chains of 10 emails over an hour when a 5 mins call would have worked.