At what age do you say "you'll eat what you are given?" (If at all?)

[Elmo311]

My 15month old DS has just rejected the meal we have offered him for dinner. By rejected I mean he literally picks it all up and throws it on the floor! Whilst making eye contact, and displeased sounds! We don't react to this.

After these rejections we end up offering him something else for dinner, which he will then eat as he has certain food preferences.

Obviously I wouldn't let him go to bed on an empty stomach, but I also feel like I'm making a rod for my own back for the future!

Would it be unreasonable to keep offering the same meal until he eats some?
What have others done?

I'm aware this isn't really an AIBU but I've tried to make it one
I just really would love some advice on how to deal with this ?

Thank you

So many replies! Thanks again everyone.

I'm wondering if I should change his routine slightly then...as if I offer something alternative after dinner is rejected it is pretty soon after as he is in bed at 7pm.

Now I think about it , I very rarely have an issue with breakfast or lunch....but I wonder if that is because we are quite consistent with what he gets and dinner will try something new as he eats with us.

I'll try and swap it around!

I love that he sleeps 7-7 so I'm reluctant to send him to bed with an empty belly!

He's starting nursery in 2 weeks, so maybe this will help although it's only 2 days per week.

We've made some mistakes along the way, like adding ketchup to food he won't eat, and giving it and offering something else/ offering something entirely new.
He's started shaking his head now as well when he sees something he doesn't want!

I think it's guilt as well, as I also have a 5 month old who has failure to thrive and a feeding tube in at the moment, so I'm desperate for one child to be eating well! But I'll make sure I don't make a big deal out of it and cause a war with him.

If anyone would like to give me meal ideas please do!

My OH is on board so hopefully we can get this sorted before it gets worse!

Most ketchup has a shitload of sugar in it, so we always tried to limit it a bit but we had a bumper crop of tomatoes during a few years now, so made our own without the sugar overload. I had DS and DD at only a year and 15 months apart and was knackered, still working for our company, as well as renovating, so things passed in a blur of exhaustion. I have to confess that I wasn’t all that well read up or prepared, as I probably should have been but had dogs all my life and kinda adapted some of the way I treated them to the kids as toddlers. If they did not want to eat something that they normally had no issue with, I did not offer a whole other meal, just like I did with the puppies. I am fairly laidback but was too delirious with tiredness to be too anxious about them not eating, nor stressed about rustling up too many alternatives, just a banana and/or slice of bread if they were really hungry. It seemed to have done the trick, they are not fussy eaters. As they got a bit older, I always get them to try different foods, they never had to eat everything but at least try a little spoonful. They both love spinach, mushrooms, olives and anchovies. I am not used to it when they have friends over and they are being very picky with pretty standard food, I offer only a very basic sandwich as alternative. The mother of one of their friends was shocked that her child had eaten everything at ours. But she would always offer millions of choices. I don’t have the inclination for that. But I think that we were also very, very lucky.

15 months apart not a year and

If I could have my time again with DS i would have just made him what he likes to eat. We had countless rows me and DH at dinner time about DS not eating

He's 13 now and is still fussy so he has a variation on our meal

I've given up. I'm fussy tho so guess the apple doesn't fall far from the tree

oh goodness OP, I've just seen your update. you've got your hands full!

I'd echo some things pp have said. I'd give him his main meal at lunch time. 6pm is a bit late for tea at that age if he's going to bed at 7pm. may also be tiredness stopping him eating at that time. so try dinner at 5pm or even 4.30 and do supper (even just a banana) at 6/6.30.

recepie wise I make big batches of things everyone eats and freeze the left overs in toddler size portions. so you have a stock of stuff handy whenever you dont have somethint else ready in time/haven't had a chance to cook/or fancy something grown up. thick soups (eg.minestrone, chicken noodle or chowder) bolonagse, chilli, casseroles, curry are all easy to batch cook and freeze.

good luck with it all

We have four 'rules' for meals. They've been the same since (mostly baby led) weening at 6 months.

1. Try something before you decide you don't like it.
2. This is what there is. No alternatives.
3. There is always pudding. And 'pudding' is always natural, unsweetened, full fat yogurt with oats mixed in and fruit on top. Fat, protein, carbs, vitamins. So even if DS doesn't eat much dinner, I know he's had something healthy and nutritious and his tummy is full. It helped me be much more relaxed about how much of his dinner he ate.
4. Plain fruit and veg is always ok. So if DS refuses dinner and then asks for a banana, that's ok. I want him to choose healthy foods, so if he'd rather have an apple or raw carrot than his dinner, I don't mind. I also never say no to requests for fruit and veg as snacks (unless he want to eat a whole punnet of strawberries and consequently get the shits!).

DS is almost 4 and there's very little he won't eat, and nothing he won't try. He's vegetarian and very healthy. I acknowledge a great deal of this might be down to luck, but these things have served us well.

Yes you've been lucky. I tried every type of food and more than once as the rule is. But no luck! Some of it is just genes

Right from the beginning. I had literally NO money when my son was growing up so if he threw his dinner there was nothing else. He soon learnt.

@yesteaandawineplease I don't always think it could be tiredness as he still has two naps a day and an afternoon one from 3:30-5ish! I thought about limiting the 2nd nap but regardless of when he wakes up he will want to sleep at 7pm.
Maybe he is tired!
I think I'll have to change his routine a bit from what yourself and others have said, it's worth a try so thank you :)

Some kids also have really sensitive taste buds so that can complicate things a bit.

DS isn't terrible, but everything needs to be bland. Very bland. In fact it's only recently he's started tolerating minute amounts of salt and the odd herb as long as it isn't basil which he'll taste in anything .

So I try and make him the same food sans seasoning.

Also, a lot of people suggest giving fruit/ toast/ yogurt as fillers- DS would happily live on the like so there's no way I could use that as a bargaining chip!

I hope the change in routine helps. I know you’ve had lots of great advice but I wanted to share my experience.

DS is a dream with food. Eats plenty and will try anything new before deciding whether he likes it or not - DD complete opposite, will drop her food in ‘protest’ and then try to take food from DS to eat. Will demand food only to discard it and watch us for a response then get cross that she has no food. At certain points refuses to eat at all even if we offer her, her favourite foods. DD and DS are twins - 22 months old.

DD has her moments of really good eating and after I stopped getting distressed about her testing boundaries and fluctuating appetite (she and her brother were low birth weight and so it took me until very recently to not allow my anxiety to control me) DD it turns out (after I stopped panicking and just watched, as calmly as possible, her behaviour with food) is a cyclical eater. She adjusts every 3-4 days day one she eats almost as much as her brother - if not more, day two she eats a healthy amount but not as demanding for sustenance. Day 3 seems only to really eat her snack meals, will pick at main meals but largely it ends up on the floor. Fourth day, could happily go the whole day on a handful of sultanas or a weetabix and no amount of effort will encourage her to eat more (even the “tasty” snacks!). Her paediatrician was amused that I noticed this and was worried because (I didn’t know this at the time) it was perfectly normal for some toddlers! If DC is telling you at specific times of the day they’re not interested in food then I think adjusting your routine will help.

To make myself feel better on her low hunger days I invested in a cheap blender from Argos and make her smoothies, milk based (full fat) packed with fruits and some veg snuck in - sweetened with a bit of honey and I could at least say she got some good stuff in her

My biggest regret with dc are ever introducing alternatives to what we were having for dinner.. BUT my son who will be 8 next month definitely has sensory issues when it comes to food. I have to be mindful of this but it’s bloody frustrating.

All my tips I got from here years ago. Just been to a mexican resturant with them aged 12 and 15 in which they both ate meals they had never even heard of before (we are on holiday in the USA).
So :serve crudities before the main meal when they are hungriest.
It's okay to have an upside down day so egg for breakfast, cooked lunch then bread and jam when exhausted (when tbey were really tired eggy bread with jam worked well). Don't cook twice if the preparwd meal is rejected marmite on toast/ peanut butter on toast or at a push cheese and apple is what's offered.
A big bowl of yoghurt, honey and bannana is a fine supper.

"you'll eat what you're given" is the only reasonable approach to young kids, as far as I can tell. You make a family meal, you all sit down together to eat, and the child eats it or they get nothing. I don't make a big deal out of the food, I don't check what they are eating, I don't encourage them to eat any part of it. We just sit together and have our food, chat about our day, and when everyone else has finished I will get up to clear the plates, and go over and say "have you finished with this love?" And if they say "I don't like it" then I say "ok, I'll take it away", and then I scrape it into the bin and that's the end of the meal. No drama, no telling off, no saving it for later, no discussion. I just take the plate and walk away, and meal time has ended. No alternative food is given later on.

You don't have to be an arsehole about it - if your child never eats their asparagus, for example, and will always choose to be hungry instead, then I would eventually conclude that they don't like asparagus and I will take that into account when meal planning, just as I would for an adult, and I won't serve it very often, if at all. I am very slow to add anything to this list, and it doesn't become gospel. So if me and DH happen to love asparagus then I will still cook it sometimes and if the child doesn't eat it then oh well.

Sometimes I am in a situation where I am served food that I don't like. I still manage to eat at least some of it, if not all of it, to be polite. It's really not that big of a deal.

OP

Are you sure he is rejecting the food? Has he learned that this is what he is expected to do at the dinner table?

I think you have to try and avoid making it a battle. I’ve always accepted a varying appetite and gone for a take it or leave it approach. But, at 3 now I’m finding it harder as mine is saying she doesn’t like things she’s been eating since she was a baby which is frustrating as I don’t know if she’s doing it for control or because she genuinely doesn’t like it. I tend to say she has to give it a good try but I’ll pick out bits or avoid things I know she doesn’t like. She’s going through a phase of hating onions at the moment which is a bit of a pain as they are a base for so many dishes. Overall she’s really good but getting less good at trying new things than she was as a 1-2 year old.

@sashh I think he is? Because if he likes something he digs in straight away but if it's something new he will poke it and then fling it on the floor! Haha

I don't want to change too much all at once so just going to switch over lunch and dinner meals and see what he does.

We have definitely got him into some bad habits (and ourselves!)

The suggestion of offering him toast / yogurt etc after he doesn't eat dinner, is a good one BUT he loves those foods....so would I be encouraging that behaviour even more?!

Also, a lot of people suggest giving fruit/ toast/ yogurt as fillers- DS would happily live on the like so there's no way I could use that as a bargaining chip!

Same - DS would eat banana or a bit of toast over dinner every time if he could, so offering that instead seems like rewarding him! He also absolutely loves Weetabix, the other often recommended alternative.

i have 2 kids 10 & 13. they were both great eaters as babies but as they got older they became more picky. i cant stand table wars, i just want a happy atmosphere at the dinner table. i dont want to eat what they like so why should they eat what i like? id stick to foods that he likes best and save yourself the mealtime drama. i wouldnt replace a dinner with a pudding to make him eat or change the meal but i would make him what he enjoys most. one thing is for sure, they grow out of every stage so next month could be completely different!

Ours didn’t throw but any rejected meal was wrapped up for later and when they were hungry that’s what they were given and ate. No snacks or alternatives allowed, and it worked. However we did make sure there was a selection of foods, including stuff we already knew they liked in the meal.
Now they’re bigger they might get a choice between would you rather have A or B meal for lunch today? But we cooked one meal that everyone eats and they eat EVERYTHING. DS rejects one common food that he genuinely doesn’t like but that’s it.
The rule with new food is you have to try it first before saying don’t like it and neither likes anything too spicy but they eat squid, all seafood, curries, all veg etc etc
Don’t give up!
Personally I think the. Eat thing you can do is limit snacks - particularly the ‘bad’ ones like crisps or sweet things - and drinks. Juice or milk at or around meal times fills their tummies and they don’t eat as well...

We also do not battle over dessert. If it’s part of the meal ( we don’t always have dessert anyway) then they get it unless they really hadn’t eaten ANY of the main. Cant stand that demonising veg - eat it all - before you get pudding.

My nearly 2 year old was reacting to every meal with, "No, I don't like it!" - sometimes with a tantrum, sometimes not - so we started putting something we know he'll like on the plate too. I've started putting any new meal in front of him with an apple and bread on the plate and he generally just goes straight for the new food. It's like he's a bit anxious of the new stuff and the food he knows makes him feel safer about trying it, knowing there's options if he doesn't like it.

We offer the same food as we're having, and dc can choose what and how much to eat. No alternatives. Sometimes they reject the whole meal, and sometimes eat loads of something new that I didn't really expect them to eat. I was so afraid to send them to bed 'hungry' but like pp said look at their intake over a week. It varies so much! We have weathered picky eating this way and dc has always returned to eating everything. They learn quickly about no choice and eat if they are hungry. Don't be afraid of a couple of difficult nights, they will soon sort themselves out and you'll be really happy you did it. Dinner is sometimes irritating but is no longer stressful because of worrying how much they are eating.

It doesn't take a lot to fill up a 15 month old, so don't worry too much and I think the best advice I received when mine were around that age was to look at what they eat over a week rather than a day. On that advice I would try something new/ unusual around once a week, so one meal that wasn't devoured wasn't the end of the world. I always offered fruit and a yoghurt which was enough for them if they didn't eat much or any main meal. I wouldn't make a big thing about them not eating, say something casual like, you don't have to eat it, would you prefer some fruit? I always served steamed vegetables and mine will often double up on veg if I've cooked something they don't like the look of, although now they are 5 &8, they often succumb and eat my creations. The latest was spinach curry which they thought very dangerous based on the amount of green bits, but actually really enjoyed it once their hungry tummies got the better of them!!