AIBU to call her out?

[PurBal]

FSIL (BIL fiance) is hard work and quite immature. We went away for a family do and we're all staying together in an Airbnb. She did nothing but goad me. Her attitude included "shotgunning" the biggest room. DH physically can't fit in a double bed because he is too tall. Normally this isn't an issue because he just hangs his feet off the end. Ultimately the alternative double had a foot board so I slept on bunk beds in a different room so he could lie diagonally. It wasn't ideal but it wasn't a huge problem, just would have been nice for FSIL to be thoughtful enough so DH and I could share a room. Over the course of the day there were lots of these irritating but not life altering behaviours. Others noticed she was nitpicking at me, complaining at my walking speed and criticising that I paid full price for a top. So when she was literally arguing for arguings sake I called her out. She quietly stormed off and called me a cow under her breath. I lost my temper, not at anyone, but told DH what I really thought when some of his extended family were around.

AIBU to have called her out? I wouldn't put up with her shit if this was any other environment in my life (like work).

I know I shouldn't have lost my temper because I embarrassed DH. And as he says "if you fight with pigs you'll get dirty and and pig will enjoy it".

What do you mean, you “called her out”?

After she grabbed the room that was unsuitable for your DH did you explain why it would be better if you had that room? How did she respond?

You both don't sound great tbh. You automatically expected the best room - albeit for a good reason- and then are miffed because she took it.

How did your family respond? Did they agree with you?

Next time just say "I can't listen to this shit" and leave the room if she goads you. Going away anywhere with someone you don't like is asking for misery, though.

if you fight with pigs you'll get dirty and and pig will enjoy it

I’m stealing this phrase. And I agree with your husband, you shouldn’t have risen to it.

You were right to say something. It sounds as though she's one of those difficult goady people who's never happy unless they're making someone else miserable. At least she knows you're not a woman to be crossed and hopefully she'll change her behaviour in future

I called her out in as much I said "you're arguing for arguings sake, we disagree on this issue, I'm not going to do what you suggest but you can do whatever you find easiest" I let her get her way, I just didn't let her boss me around.

I did say I was concerned about the sleeping arrangements and DH would be more comfortable in the "her" room because of his height and she just said she shot gunned it and I should have got there first. She'd already said she'd fight me for it. So I just let it go. How do you reason with someone who has that attitude? She literally ran up the stairs as soon as we arrived. Obviously it wound me up but it really wasn't the end of the world. DH and BIL are both the type to do whatever make others happy, the path of least resistance. So DH didn't say anything which probably would have helped the argument.

I think that you are both right. My mum is like this. But she'll only do it to certain members of the family because from me I will argue back with her, which she actually loves. So I understand your husband's comment. (That is a very apt expression for our family, so I'll borrow it to remember when my mum is being a pain in the arse).

But there is no-way that she'll do with my sister, because my sister has a sharp and nasty tongue. So, there are no constant nit-picking of my sister.

You were right to stand up to your future SIL. And If I were you, I would call her out on it every single time, otherwise she'll probably keep going on at you as she thinks you're an easy target. But try not to engage in any argument or drama.

So your real problem is your DH. She's his family, not yours, so he should have said something.

Why on earth would you go anywhere with her?

I didn't assume the best room. We knew we'd be in a double bed. I just hadn't realised that one of them had a foot board and the other didn't. I used that as an example of many of the small things that had happened. It really wasn't a big deal. And the optimist in me reckons we probably slept better anyway!

MIL is on my side. As is DH. One of the uncles who was there said he had my back and congratulated me on standing my ground. And a cousin also said I shouldn't be embarrassed. This cousin and I respectfully disagree on a lot of issues, politics being one, so he knows I'm the sort of person that is able to hold my ground whilst being respectful and vice versa.

And no, I don't particularly like her. None of the family are especially fond. We don't get to choose our relatives partners. And if she makes BIL happy we have to respect that decision. It would be nice if we were all civil, and I'm the one that let us down on this occasion.

Good for you. So many women say nothing ( on MN ) and let years of frustration build up to a point where they’re nearly having a nervous breakdown.

No need to ever see her is there? I saw my ils whenever sil wasn't around. Never socialised with her..

@RosiePosiePuddle I think you're right about the fact that she'll keep on if she thinks she can. And there is a fine line between calling her out and an argument. But definitely something to keep in mind in future.

We have never been away all of us, so I just didn't think it would be so bad. The friction between us (regardless of who started it) isn't great though and it's something I want to rectify for DH and MILs sake.

I did tell DH I didn't feel like he had my back.

If you called her out in the way you said you did in a calm manner then no, I don't think you did anything wrong.

you're arguing for arguings sake, we disagree on this issue, I'm not going to do what you suggest but you can do whatever you find easiest

Doesn’t sound too harsh, but this was in response to what, exactly?

She just sounds like a very opposite personality to you.

I think you were right to say what you did.
I would also tell your dh that you will not be socialising with her again. See your in-laws when she isn't there.

You never argue with people like her, you develop more subtle ways, a raised eyebrow to your OH that she sees, a little smirk again that she's aware of, a Paddington stare to accompany raised eyebrows, it drives people mad when you don't argue, totally bonkers. The best aggression is always passive, play with her mind, she'll loathe you!

@herculepoirot2 just trying to squish into a car with other BIL who has a broken leg. I didn't think there was (comfortably) enough space for us. She did. So I said I would walk if she wanted to go by car (20 minute walk post pub meal, most of us had walked down). But she kept on saying we could all fit. It really wasn't an issue, DH and I walk a lot. So yeah, she was arguing when she had got what she wanted: a lift in the car. She had already said earlier in the day that BIL breaking his leg had ruined the weekend for everyone, which is something else I had held my tongue on.

@tillytrotter1 I chuckled at the raise eyebrows but my goal is not for her to loathe me. Rather we're (almost) family and we need to be civil at the very least.

Whose car was it? And if you didn’t think there was enough space, what was your first suggestion?

In all honesty, this sounds a bit passive aggressive. Sorry.

What height is your DH if he physically can't fit in a double bed?

She sounds like a spoilt 5 year old. Well done for standing your ground, she needs telling and she needs to know not everyone will take her crap.

What height is your DH if he physically can't fit in a double bed?

Well I would guess that his height is slightly more than the length of a double bed, but that's just a wild guess on my part.

Anyone over 6ft doesn’t fit well in a standard double @slashlover so hardly unusual! Although it is 6ft 3 long when you factor in pillows and the frame it is a very tight fit. My DH is 6ft 3 and we don't stay anywhere without at least a King (have 2 Superkings at home) otherwise he is very uncomfortable, the extra 3 inches matter!

@PurBal I think you were restrained! I’d have said much more.