AIBU to call her out?

[PurBal]

FSIL (BIL fiance) is hard work and quite immature. We went away for a family do and we're all staying together in an Airbnb. She did nothing but goad me. Her attitude included "shotgunning" the biggest room. DH physically can't fit in a double bed because he is too tall. Normally this isn't an issue because he just hangs his feet off the end. Ultimately the alternative double had a foot board so I slept on bunk beds in a different room so he could lie diagonally. It wasn't ideal but it wasn't a huge problem, just would have been nice for FSIL to be thoughtful enough so DH and I could share a room. Over the course of the day there were lots of these irritating but not life altering behaviours. Others noticed she was nitpicking at me, complaining at my walking speed and criticising that I paid full price for a top. So when she was literally arguing for arguings sake I called her out. She quietly stormed off and called me a cow under her breath. I lost my temper, not at anyone, but told DH what I really thought when some of his extended family were around.

AIBU to have called her out? I wouldn't put up with her shit if this was any other environment in my life (like work).

I know I shouldn't have lost my temper because I embarrassed DH. And as he says "if you fight with pigs you'll get dirty and and pig will enjoy it".

My DH is 6’4” and won’t sleep in a bed with a footboard - he would have something though.

My DH is 6'2 and his feet hang off the end of our standard double bed. I want to get a super king bed, but he doesn't. I'm 5'0 so the size of the bed isn't an issue for me, I just want the luxury of one. He couldn't care less, he's had his feet hanging off the bed ever since he got this tall, so he's used to it. We just learned to buy beds with no footboard.

OP, she sounds like a pita. I think you were very restrained. Sounds like she wants to control everything and felt that you were making an issue by offering to walk. I'd have walked too in your shoes. In fact, I did recently, when we were making a short journey somewhere with my DC, dad and Stepmum. Rather than squeeze in between two car seats, I said, I'll meet you there. They drove the DC down and I walked (Stepmum has mobility issues so the car was essential for her, DC were pleased with the lift, I enjoyed the peace and quiet of my walk, we all won).

I don't understand why you had to call her out on it? She's saying you'll fit, you're saying you won't and will walk, so start walking not "calling her out".

Honestly with what you've said here it sounds like you both give it but can't take it.

"And as he says "if you fight with pigs you'll get dirty and and pig will enjoy it""

You didn't fight, though. You challenged what she was saying and stayed assertive.

Don't let your DH beat you down into being as passive as he and BIL are.

My eldest DD puts herself in charge. In all fairness she's a manager and is still hands, on with her, very vulnerable, social care clients.

The raised eyebrow and smirks don't stop these people. You have to remind them that you are all Adults and capable of decision making.

If you hadn't have called her out, you'd have been squashed into the car.

It's her that is causing this, just keep reminding yourself of that.

hula008, if SIL is anything like the people i know, she will either follow to keep the argument going. Or carry it on when they get back.

It's best to nip it in the bud.

don't engage more than you have to with her, you weren't fighting but i think your dh is right, she's the sort of petulant person who will argue over petty things, my bitchy self thinks, don't be too concerned, if she's like this all the time the marriage won't last long, then you never have to see her again

@highheelsandbobblehats I can recommend the Superking. We have one each! as we have 2 Master bedrooms in this house so we each have our own space, is bliss! I’m not tall at barely 5ft 3 either!

if you fight with pigs you'll get dirty and and pig will enjoy it

Love this!

If you didn't want to argue you could have just said "Oh I'd much rather walk off that lunch, thanks anyway, anyone else up for the walk?". We can all lose our temper sometimes, but there was a different way.

I bet your BIL isn't happy, she probably orders him around, tells him what to wear etc, but as he's so passive, he just puts up with it.

You were fine OP, but I don't think you'll get to have a civil relationship with her. Ignore her as much as you can, call her out only if you think it's necessary. Pick your battles, and don't get into arguments with her, just say your piece, and walk away.

So I said I would walk if she wanted to go by car (20 minute walk post pub meal, most of us had walked down). But she kept on saying we could all fit.

So what happened? I would have just got out of the car and walked

If DH and BIL are brothers, would they not both be too tall for double bed? So not understand why you miffed. Should have picked better AirBnB place.
SIL sounds bossy, is she older?
YANBU it’s ok to disagree and do own thing.

I've two daughters who are different heights. Why would they be the same?

Ohhhhhh. Bank holidays.

I'd have thought the BIL's broken leg would mean it was most important for him not to have the foot rest.

Azeema DH is about 5’7, one of his brothers is 6’3. It’s a funny old world, isn’t it?

OP, she sounds awful. I don’t think you’re being passive agresssive at all.

OP said other BIL so wouldn't have been with FSIL.

Oh. What was his bed like? It sounds like there were loads of them, were the others all staying elsewhere or is FSIL being blamed when there were a lot of other bedroom options?

I'm not sure anything needed saying- you could have just walked couldn't you? And now you're talking to MIL, cousin etc behind her back. It could come out looking pretty bad on you.

I live your D/H's saying though!

You didn't fight, though. You challenged what she was saying and stayed assertive

OP said she lost her temper though. If you lose your temper you're not being assertive. I would know

You don't bother "reasoning" with people who are like that. You just ignore, breezily say "ok!", or "yes it is indeed full price!" And walk away. There's no need to engage.

Why would you walk alone instead of with dh?! I'd be like 'hey dh, let's wall to x, the fresh air will do us good." Instead of making it an argument about it you could fit or not

I had one of these. I found it SO hard to bite my tongue. She also did baby voice when she complained shudder

Breaking point for me was a holiday in a lovely house in Cornwall, agreed each couple in the family would cook one night each.

We made a big spag bol for 10 people. Enjoyed cooking it, all lovely. She said in baby voice "ugh I don't like bisceti" (as in baby voice for spaghetti OMGGGG). She also did a dramatic crossing of arms like a toddler when they are annoyed. No thank you for cooking (she didn't help on her night her lovely husband did it) or politeness at all.

I said very obviously pissed off "that's fine you can make a different kind if you like".

Honestly I realised how different my family is - me saying that was like I had told her to fuck off or called her a cunt! It was such an entitled attitude all the time - baby voice if she was losing a board game, so everyone just changes the rules for her turns etc

I found the most productive thing after a while was to say "shall we see what everyone else thinks so we can make sure everyone is happy?"

I can feel my tension just rising writing this - she was SO rude for the entire four years.

God the baby voice. Bisceti. She was 30!

Just to clarify she just didn't want that "shape" of pasta. She loves bolognese. OMG JUST EAT IT OR DONT HAVE THE SPAG BIT.

Just ignore her. She sounds a bit dense tbh. It's a shame BIL can't see that.