I just want to forget

[DarkNoise]

I had some life-changing experiences that still haunt me. Maybe not huge compared to some, I didn't grow up in Syria, my baby didn't die or anything like that. It's over two years now and I seem not to be able to get over it. I just want to forget. Delete from my brain. Form some resilience. Am I being unreasonable in hoping to be able to cope with it and move on or do I need to accept ill be forever, somehow, broken? I have been waking up hurting for two years now.

Two years is no time at all. The fact that you are looking ahead and wanting to cope is an act of resilience building. Say something positive to yourself every day and consciously do something nice every day, even if it's just enjoying a cuppa with a good biscuit. Think 'here I am, enjoying this moment. I will enjoy more moments'. I hope you find strength and I hope you can find support from other sources, too

Thank you so much for the reply. I am having counselling at the moment. But it still hurts so much. I think that having a DH who, although a great person in every respect, is not a talker is not helping. I feel so alone.

I too have some awful past experiences, mine from childhood.
It does get better, I promise. Keep going with the counselling, it'll be okay

It's great tip about the enjoying the moment. Thank you. I am afraid I am doing that a bit too much with food as a moment!! Using it to self medicate which helps in the short term but in the long term getting overweight and unfit just adds to the problems. Sorry do not mean to sound like I am super sorry for myself. I realise that compared to the tragedy that some people go through my losses are small. I hate being so weak.

Thank you Purplerain, do you have a support network. And childhood, yes I know what you mean. My mum was very hard on me and I think I have learned from her this harsh way of treating myself.

You don’t need to invalidate your own history because it’s ‘not as bad as what others have been through’. That sort of thought pattern will only serve to slow down your healing. You’ve had traumatic times and they deserve your attention and validation.

I felt like this for 3-4 years after a culmination of tragedies in my life became too much. Counselling really helped (had to find a suitable counsellor first though and went through 3 before the 4th clicked).

Get outside for fresh air every day, Make a list of 3 things you’re grateful for at bedtime.

You’ll get there

If you have ‘stuck’ traumatic memories there are therapies for that (EMDR, rewind, etc). V effective. It’s not that I can’t remember any more it’s that the memory no longer hurts me.

Can you try practicing mindfulness exercises? Or CBT?

I find counselling isn’t always helpful, because it makes you dwell on those negative memories. Sometimes you just need to do other stuff and stop thinking about it.

Firstly, I'm really sorry you're feeling like this, and feeling alone with it. Many others feel like this about a broad range of vastly different traumas. Distress is relative to one's experience so please don't feel guilty because you don't perceive your trauma as being as severe as what you might read about in the news. I experienced something hugely traumatic at a house party when I was 17 and it still affects me on a daily basis well into my 30s. If I think about it I start to shake, feel nauseous and struggle in my daily life and relationships. Give yourself more time and less pressure, and use that therapy! X

I know this might seem a bit woo / or airy fairy ish but could you have some sort of ceremony to ' allow ' yourself to let it go. For example, wrote down the experience letting it all out including your feelings about it ,and then destroy the paper in a way that resonates for you, be it burn it, or rip it up and bury it in a special / secret place .

Lots of good advice, thank you all, like all these ideas - I have looked into EMDR and rewind and may try that!

ElleDubloo my counsellor is CBT-trained, we are getting to it but slowly as I was so despondent and now I am getting strong enough to try moving forward.

Mollyboboff - not woo at all. Interesting approach. What do I have to lose?

...Or I could just murder the fucker in cold blood and see if I feel better?

(sorry, obviously I won't but just writing it makes me feel better - perhaps that's the way, just write murderous revenge/other life scenarios).

But it's like this I wake up depressed and anxious and despondent, and then as that day go by I get more active, and positive, but also angrier. I am so angry. Still. Angry. It's consuming me and it's not good.

Oh I found a good place for EMDR near me! I'll call them and give it a try. I'll keep you posted!! Thank you EgremontRusset for suggesting it.

I've had EMDR. I was a bit sceptical at first and needed a few sessions BUT it really helped. For some reason it also helped me put other stuff past me. My therapist called it a welcome side effect . I've not forgotten anything, it's just that my memories don't give me such negative emotions anymore. I really recommemd it for anything that still sticks with you.

There's a saying about bad experiences being like rings on a tree. The bad thing never goes away.. but you grow new 'rings' ie memories over it.
I found the book "Things Get Better" by Katie Piper immensely helpful in getting through some traumatic life experiences.

Derren Brown explains how to delete bad memories in one of his books.

From memory it was along the lines of imagine your in a cinema and your memory is playing on the screen, or that your watching it in a video, you can either cause the screen to get smaller and smaller until it's gone or you can choose to delete it the film.

It took a couple of attempts for me to get it, I haven't forgotten what happened but I no longer get flashbacks of it, and it doesn't haunt me at night.

What worked for me was a sort of brain training exercise. When, months down the line, I finally realised that it was no longer the event or even the fucker who caused the whole mess that was making me feel so bad but my very own thoughts thinking about it, it was like a wake up call. It took a while and I'm still working on it but every single time I became aware that I was thinking about it and by default making myself feel like shit, I changed the channel in my head with an imaginary remote control. I still dip back into those dark thoughts of wanting terrible things to happen to that fucker but not for long and as soon as I feel any emotions coming to the surface I change the channel. The only person those thoughts have an effect on is me.

Except maybe in the immediate aftermath, talking therapy wouldn't work for me, it keeps everything at the forefront of the mind. I needed it out of my mind or at the very least at the back of it. No amount of going over it or trying to figure out why it happened or why I felt the way I did when it happened will change anything for me. A horrible thing was done by a horrible person that had horrible consequences for everyone involved. There is no fix for that, just acceptance.

Different things work for different people and I hope that you find what works for you

I’m having emdr and as you’ll see from my other threads it’s tough but effective. I was bullied quite badly at work and then suffered a trauma a year later. But the emdr has also brought up childhood stuff which has affected how I view and treat myself and it’s been complicated and hard work but I think ultimately life changing. I can empathise with much of what you’re feeling and really feel for you
I hope you find a good therapist. I actually chose to pay to see a very experienced clinical psychologist who is very well trained in emdr. I trust her expertise which means I am very honest with her - much more honest than I have been with my doctor or any one else.
Good luck

Do you have a place where you can go and sit and let the wind blow through?

I found my spot (Stannage Edge, Derbyshire). When things were bad or I couldn't think straight I'd drive out there and just sit. Something about the place just reset my brain.

Have a hug lass.

Thank you all. It's morning and I feel again like a rabbit in front of the headlights. This needs to change.

I loved the idea of the wind going through me and getting rid of it. And I'd love to have a good clinical psych to help me, but one of the direct causes of the event is that my earning power has dramatically reduced and have much less money now (adding yet another worry to the endless list of worries).

ValerianV I really liked your post and attitude, thank you. I need to find my distance. To distance myself from the events. From my feelings about the event, which do not help. Yesterday I spent most of the day outside, near water, which helped. The second anniversary of the event is approaching now. It makes me feel so sick to think about it.

I am going to start the day now. Get up. Tackle one thing after the other. It will get better.

The second anniversary of the event is approaching now. It makes me feel so sick to think about it. - exactly what I was trying to say, it's our very own thoughts that make us feel sick.

Is it really any worse that it happened exactly two years ago though? Is 730 days more painful than say 750 days?

I know that all sounds so very simplistic, and it's not just as easy to put into practice but it's just something to think about.

I love the sound of your day by the water, I have some places too but now I NEED one by a river ...or at least bring a river place feeling into my head.

I sort of did 'forget', in that I couldn't really remember the traumatic event. Honestly its not helpful - you just end up with all these wierd responses and emotions and reactions to triggers that you can't understand or deal with.

For me the healing process started with actually properly remembering what happened, and then understanding why certain things are now harder for me than they were before.

Its not fair and its not right - but once you understand your own mind and behaviour you can at the very least take back some control of things, and from then you can genuinely move forward and improve your day to day living.

Whatever you do, do NOT beat yourself up for how you feel, or think you shouldn't feel what you do because others have it worse. You are a real human being, with real human emotions. YOU deserve happiness.

I could explain further on this point, but instead I will say this. Do NOT beat yourself up because if you do I will come round your house and give you a very hard Paddington Bear like stare and possibly even tut a little.

happiness, your description of the derren brown technique sounds a bit similar to Rewind. I chose that over emdr because it involves fewer sessions so less time/money.