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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder when I became invisible?

31 replies

DrInvisible · 25/08/2019 02:51

Recently split up from my partner after 15 years. Very unexpected. He’d been cheating. Never thought I’d find myself single.

Am currently in the loos at a club. Having a bloody brilliant night with a group of 5 girls (some single, some not) but I seem to be invisible. I’m the only one who hasn’t been approached by a man (admittedly it’s slim pickings in here but the confidence boost might’ve been nice). All the other ladies have been chatted up multiple times tonight. I’m actually quite embarrassed at how much I’m being ignored.

I thought I was what you’d consider a conventionally attractive person. I’m slim, decent genes, well dressed. I never had any problems with male attention last time I was ‘on the pull’ (ok, so I was 20 and I hadn’t had 3 kids, admittedly).

So bloody depressing! I am honestly thinking of going running back to my ex!

What am I doing wrong here? I felt fabulous when I left the house.

OP posts:
margotpolo · 25/08/2019 03:00

First of all, DO NOT GO RUNNING BACK TO YOUR EX. Second, it's amazing how vibes work! We are ultimately just animals and if there is a hint of (god don't take this the wrong way) desperation or insecurity then that is going to have an effect on the people around you! The people who are out with you tonight may be giving off some care free vibe...you however, may not. Don't take it personally, just maybe be open to the fact that you are not quite ready yet so you are not getting the attention that you think you should! Good luck and enjoy your night out regardless! You don't need male attention to validate your evening! X

AbsentmindedWoman · 25/08/2019 03:01

Don't think about running back to your ex!

If you've had a recent rough break up which pulled the rug out from under you, you could be emitting a vague fuck off vibe, unconsciously.

Give yourself time!

AbsentmindedWoman · 25/08/2019 03:02

Great minds @margotpolo Grin

margotpolo · 25/08/2019 03:06

God that sounded harsh Blush you have just come out of a fifteen year relationship so please don't be too hard on yourself! You went out tonight thinking you were invincible but you have just been shat on from the great height so that is bound to have some sort of effect.there may be people admiring you from afar but you haven't realised yet because you think you don't deserve it?! Just enjoy your company and in time you will hopefully build your confidence enough to Enjoy your evening out, regardless of whether anyone offering you any attention. At this stage, you don't need that (it might be nice!) you just need to know that you have a good support network x

HouseworkAvoider10 · 25/08/2019 03:07

mother of god.

you'd go back to a cheater just because some random dudes don't chat you up on a night out.

i think you need to work on your self esteem or maybe seek counselling.

margotpolo · 25/08/2019 03:09

I hope you're out of the loos having an amazing time just loving yourself! The rest will follow in time beaut x

maximumcarnage · 25/08/2019 03:10

You’re doing better than me. Been 9 months since LTR ended and I can’t stomach dating another woman. Fair play to you for getting out there and having fun with your mates.

I agree with the other posters, don’t dwell on it. You’re still getting over something very traumatic. Perhaps others can sense that and maybe because of what’s happened your less receptive. Try and have fun Smile

margotpolo · 25/08/2019 03:12

@HouseworkAvoider10 wow I hope after 15 years your partner doesn't decide to fuck up your plans. 15 years indicates that this lady had her whole life planned out and then had the rug pulled out...sorry we can't all have no insecurities like you 🙄

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 25/08/2019 03:14

You really, really don't need male admiration to feel good about yourself, it's how you feel inside that matters and I'm sure you've got a lot to be proud of. Just enjoy yourself with your friends and don't worry about "pulling", it's meaningless. Focus on having the best life you can with for yourself and your children and someone special will probably come along.

Monty27 · 25/08/2019 03:14

Your tension is probably written all over your face.
You might be pushing yourself too hard too soon.
You may have lost a lot of confidence and not really enjoying yourself?

ilovesooty · 25/08/2019 03:32

Ignore the insensitive person who said you need counselling. You've been through a rough time and being single will feel strange at first. Things will get better - you can do this.

UJustGotLittUp · 25/08/2019 04:05

This reply has been deleted

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ilovesooty · 25/08/2019 04:08

once sober

Where does she indicate that she isn't?

PhilCornwall1 · 25/08/2019 04:23

Well @UJustGotLittUp you are a little ray of sunshine, aren't you?

Monty27 · 25/08/2019 04:44

Yep it's not about men it's enjoying a night out with friends

Wincarnis · 25/08/2019 05:35

Looking at the time of your post, a bloke that chats you up this late in the day probably has had a few drinks and is just looking for a shag. Consider it a compliment that you look too good for a one night stand
(You said it was slim pickings in there anyway!) and concentrate on having fun with your friends

MerryMarigold · 25/08/2019 05:44

Perhaps they think you're out of their league? Many possibilities, but if you had a fun night, that's the beginning of a journey of healing. Next stop: don't compare yourself to other people! It never goes well.

OneStepSideways · 25/08/2019 06:03

Are you more attractive than your friends? If so men may assume you're married.

Also don't just stand there waiting, smile at men you like and catch their eye!

venusmay · 25/08/2019 06:28

I’ve been single a long time but I wouldn’t want to meet someone in a club.

Try hobbies,sports and find a better connection.I can’t think of anything worse than meeting someone who has been drinking all night.

FredaFrogspawn · 25/08/2019 06:34

Are you more attractive than your friends? If so men may assume you're married.

What a strange statement. Do good looking people marry quicker than less good looking ones? I’m pretty plain (that isn’t false modesty) and was married very young so I dispute that...

Teaandcrisps · 25/08/2019 06:39

How was the rest of the night OP?

Shooturlocalmethdealer · 25/08/2019 06:44

Oh love you are so beautiful all those men are intimidated by you!!!
You didnt know???
It takes a hell of a man to catch a real woman.
Keep your beautiful head up! You wont be single long.

YouJustDoYou · 25/08/2019 06:46

I became invisible from around 29! I still clearly remember a group of guys discussing how anyone over 30 was "rank"! Made me feel horrified and sad at the time, but now I'm marginally older it just makes me laugh. Bless them. Meeting people in clubs isn;t the best judge of looks/potential partner anyway.

PositiveVibez · 25/08/2019 06:50

It's a shame that a fun night out with friends has left you feeling like this.

You are worth more than being validated by a man in a nightclub.

You are not invisible, but you shouldn't need to get chatted up to realise this.

JinglingHellsBells · 25/08/2019 07:14

Maybe going to clubs is not for you unless it's for a laugh with your friends?

If you go with half a thought of being picked up and aren't, you're going to feel let down.

I think I stopped 'clubbing' at around 26! It's not the best place to meet men.

Better to focus on finding new hobbies, social groups (Meetup) or even online if you are looking for a partner.