Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Workplace friendships :(

28 replies

Graduateaccountant · 24/08/2019 16:44

AIBU for traffic..

I started a new job a month ago. There are 4 of us in the same position, all girls of a similar age (one is a bit older at 30).

The 30 year old is nice. Lets call her C. The other 2... I can't work out. One of them (B) invites me out sometimes, she did the other day - saying A and her are going out, would I like to join them. So I did. Many times when I speak I've noticed I get ignored. If they're talking about something relating to before I joined and I say "ahh what happened?" they ignore me. A and B show pictures on their phones to each other when I'm there and don't show me.

I asked A what happened to one of our other colleagues - "has he been offered a permanent position?" (We are all on fixed term contracts). A said I can't say... then when I said "oh I bet he's going elsewhere then" A said "don't go spreading rumours" ?! C told me at a later time that our colleague has been offered a permanent position. So everyone knew anyway but A purposely left me out of the information.

Overall, I don't understand why B would bother to invite me out when I get ignored and left out when I'm there? And I feel really upset and down about the whole situation, and don't feel like talking when I'm with A and B as I get ignored anyway.

Please give me some advice :(

OP posts:
20viona · 24/08/2019 16:47

There's nothing worse than someone joining a conversation and asking what you're talking about if they wanted you to be included I'm sure they would considering they have invited you out a few times. I'd back off a bit and I'm sure they will include you.

bruce43mydog · 24/08/2019 16:51

They probably want to be your friend but don't quite know you on a personal level. So when they invited you out they might have wanted to work out wheather you can be trusted to be in there friends group.

The reason they might be leaving you out of conversations is because sometimes 3 is a crowd and they don't want anyone getting in-between there friendship that they have built up.

I wouldn't come across to needy with them. If they want to be your friend they will eventually let you into there group.

If they don't then I wouldn't worry they won't be worth knowing.

bruce43mydog · 24/08/2019 16:55

I know how you feel though cause it awful being the friend that is a sideline friend

dollydaydream114 · 24/08/2019 16:57

It’s work, not school.

Provided nobody is a actively unpleasant nobody is obliged to be friends with colleagues.

Atlasta · 24/08/2019 17:02

I go to work, do my job and come home.
I have a few friends outside of work. I do not wish to become firm friends with colleagues and I'd not give A or B the time of day tbh.

sonjadog · 24/08/2019 17:06

I think it is possibly more that they don't know you yet. I am cautious with what I discuss with new colleagues as I don't know how they will react, if they are trustworthy etc. If talking to a long term colleague, then I will be more relaxed and probably give more details in conversation. It is nice that they are including you. I would just give it more time.

maslinpan · 24/08/2019 17:07

Work friendships are a nice bonus, but that's all. After only a month you can't expect that you will all be best buddies, focus on being a good colleague first and get to know them slowly.

RedCowboyBoots · 24/08/2019 17:09

I think A is happy with just the pair of them. B is happy for you to join in but A is not.

Could be wrong, but that's how I'd read it.

ADarkandStormyKnight · 24/08/2019 17:14

What about the older colleague? It sounds like she gets left out as well - or possibly doesn't want to be involved.

A month is no time. I'd just be friendly and reasonably self sufficient and it will come.

WhatTiggersDoBest · 24/08/2019 17:16

I think A is happy with just the pair of them. B is happy for you to join in but A is not.

^^ This.

ElizaDee · 24/08/2019 17:16

You go to work to work, not make friends. Remember that and you'll be better off.

Be pleasant, but don't expect people to be your BEST FRIEND FOREVER. Nothing good usually comes from it.

Lulualla · 24/08/2019 17:25

Please stop butting into their conversations about things you were around for. It's really annoying when you're talking to someone and a third person rocks up going "ooh, what happened".

You don't need to force yourself into all their conversations or try to get all the info from their past experiences together. You can just start your friendship from now. In a couple months, you will be a part of the stories.

actuallyquitesmall · 24/08/2019 17:28

They are colleagues, it doesn't always follow that you will also become friends. Don't let it bother you at work, and just crack on with your day.

If you go out with the two of them in the evenings, don't forget that old adage about two's company and three's a crowd. Unfortunately you are No 3 in this scenario.

Original poster
Graduateaccountant · 24/08/2019 17:29

Please stop butting into their conversations about things you were around for. It's really annoying when you're talking to someone and a third person rocks up going "ooh, what happened".

Yes but if it's just the 3 of you hanging out, I'd rather not just be sat there not talking and possibly coming across aloof. They should be trying to include me

OP posts:
ICouldBeSomebodyYouKnow · 24/08/2019 17:31

RE conversations about stuff that happened before you joined: I've been on both sides of that. Often it's just a case of 'you had to be there' - they're sharing a memory, and it may be hard to describe it to a 3rd person. Ignore the past: other things will happen and new 'in jokes' will develop that you are part of. Just give it time.

Lulualla · 24/08/2019 17:32

But you're not hanging out. You're at working. You're working.

They're having a chat. Leave them alone. Then have a different chat when they are done. When you work with a few people, you don't have to always talk to all of them at once. Little conversations between 2 will pop up.

bruce43mydog · 24/08/2019 17:35

Yes your right you don't want to feel like a spare part.

The thing with when you join a friendship late is that it is difficult to find where your part in there group starts. And if they are making it difficult then I would just keep it at hello and goodbyes.

I follow a rule in life and that is that if your not good enough or anyone makes you feel less valued then walk away for your own mental wellbeing.

Original poster
Graduateaccountant · 24/08/2019 17:50

They're having a chat. Leave them alone. Then have a different chat when they are done. When you work with a few people, you don't have to always talk to all of them at once. Little conversations between 2 will pop up.

This happens when B invites me for lunch with her and A... So it's not during work hours it's at lunch time when the 3 of us have gone out together

OP posts:
Beautiful3 · 24/08/2019 17:56

Don't pop out with the ones that are rude to you. Just say no thanks I'm doing x.

MNersAreBatshit · 24/08/2019 18:01

Jesus. You sound entitled and hard work. If B hasn't already regretted trying to include you she soon will.

BeyondMyWits · 24/08/2019 18:01

They are colleagues, not friends.

Friendship may build, but it takes time. You have been there a month, don't push things, would go with the flow for a few months. I was glad to have taken it slow - in my workplace we had a similar dynamic - in your scenario I am now close friends with C having found B to be shallow and A to be so not interested in friendship with me at all that I know very little about her despite working together for 4 years now..

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 24/08/2019 18:03

I agree with the suggestion that A doesn't want to hang out with you, even though B has asked you along.

I don't agree that you're being rude - if you've been invited along to lunch, it's very rude to then exclude you from all conversation by talking about stuff you don't know about, and refusing to include you by explaining. If they want to have their exclusive convo then they should have it when you're not there.

I would stop going to lunch with them, in all honesty. Go with C instead!

DontCallMeDarling · 24/08/2019 18:04

Even if I am in the middle of a conversation and someone shows up and says what's going on? I will make the effort to quickly catch them up and then continue as I am a nice person. It might be annoying but what they are doing is actually rude. I think you need to look elsewhere for work friendships as these two are clearly not good in groups greater than two! Three is not a crowd if everyone makes the effort to be inclusive.

Yabbers · 24/08/2019 18:05

It’s work, not school.

This. Also best not to refer to grown women as “girls” 🙄

Original poster
Graduateaccountant · 24/08/2019 18:10

I don't agree that you're being rude - if you've been invited along to lunch, it's very rude to then exclude you from all conversation by talking about stuff you don't know about, and refusing to include you by explaining. If they want to have their exclusive convo then they should have it when you're not there.

Completely agree, it's really rude to exclude someone from conversation when there's only 3 of you there.

OP posts: