To ask if you had a parent with mental health issues, how did it affect you?

[nappyyappy]

I'm wondering as I really worry about the impact my mental health has had on my kids.
I have anxiety and PTSD and hsve bouts of difficult times where i am the worst mum in the world. It breaks my heart and they deserve better.

I'm not going to tell you my story as it would just be a therapeutic rant for me and no help to you.

What I would say is embrace therapy and medication and try not to let your children know your issues and definitely don't get them involved.

Asking advice on here is at least something. Best wishes to you all.

If nothing else, please let your children know that your mental health challenges are nothing to do with them. Do not ever let them believe that they have either caused, or exacerbated them. Do not look for sympathy from them. Own your issues, and do not play the role of victim or martyr.

This will be hard, but please, please try, for the sake of your children's well being.

I so wish someone had told my mom this, and that she would have tried...

I also have anxiety and pstd. My mum had anxiety/pnd and possibly a few other issues when I was growing up. I'm hoping that being aware of the impact her issues had on me helps. My psychriatrist says that's half the battle, hoping he's right.

Highlights included repeatedly telling me she wished I was cot death statistic, leaving me places in the hope someone would take me and telling me how much I'd ruined her life. I definitely agree with TheNestedIf about trying to keep children away from your issues. A big part of my mum's was her relationship with my dad and I got to hear every single detail from a very early age. I also got to watch him almost bleed to death during a fight and then help clean the blood up as a 4-5 year old. I have a ds who is the same age and when I'm struggling, I think of myself trying to process of all that, all the blood on the lino, the screaming and I imagine putting my son through that and force my emotions back under control at least until I'm alone.

He knows I'm jumpy and not to sneak up on mummy and that mummy has a lot of nightmares but he's accepted that without question. Luckily he's a deep sleeper so I haven't woken him.

Do you have periods of being truly the worst mum in the world or is it periods when your snappy or not as patient as you could be and you FEEL the worst mum in the world?

OP I am really not sure this thread will help your mental health which is what you need to focus on for you and your dc.
You obviously care about your dc and the impact of your mental health or you wouldn't be asking.
No parent is perfect and you don't need to be either.
Seek therapeutic support for yourself when needed and be kind to yourself and your dc.

I have had many issues to deal with as an adult which now I realise were the result of a difficult childhood (which till i had my own children I genuinely believed was idyllic)
I'm semi honest with my children about my split from their father so that they never think it was their fault or feel like they can't ask me about anything...however I will never tell them so many things about both situations. It's just part of being an adult I guess

I have mental health problems and a DS.

I agree with PP that this thread or more specifically the question you have asked is going to help you. Even going back 15 years ago, mental health was not treated as serious as is should have been.

I do worry how my mental health is going to impact my son and I have no doubts it is going to, how much and how I can limit it is my main goal.

I am as open and as honest as I can be for his age. I think he understands more than I think and he knows he can ask me any questions and I will answer them,

Mum: anxiety and depression
Dad: drug problem, anger issues, clinical depression, attempted suicide incidents

I'm fine! I have some anxiety and depression going on - maybe I inherited it who knows. I learned everyone is just human and your mum isn't made of steel, it's not a bad lesson to learn.

I know how much my mum struggled, through being with my dad, following their split, single parent to two children the ups as a downs of teens! I'm 24 now and honestly I think my mum is phenomenal. I'll never respect or admire anyone the way I do my mum for all she's done and for how she raised us alone. Whenever I feel like I can't do something I look to her and I know if she can get through all she did then I can do anything. She's so strong, resilient and clever and through watching her power on, I've learnt to be strong myself. That's what your children will see.

Don't get me wrong she made a hell of a lot of mistakes and was a massive bitch on occasion, but again I know she's only human. Your children won't remember all the days you've be off or wrong.

Chin up op you're doing fabulously

I know what you mean that this thread is probably not going to help my mental health but i knew the replies weren't going to be rosey. I guess I need it as a kick up the bum and a warning that I need to be on top of my issues.

Yes when I say I am the worst mum in the world it's when I have little patience and am very snappy and I need to be left alone. I have become the exact type of parent that I never wanted to be. I worry they will develop into adults with low self esteem and issues because my parenting was shit. After a bad phase I always always tell them it's nothing to do with them but I don't know if they're really taking that message on board as they're too young.

I have chronic anxiety and am prone to depression, but my mother used to hit me round the head with her shoe if I didn't do well enough at school, so. does not sound like you.
On the plus side I had to look after myself so am very capable and matured quite quickly. My emotional intelligence was very highly developed.

OP there isn't a parent in the world who doesn't snap at their children. The good ones apologise and try not to do it again, even though they will. That's family life. You sound as if you are putting their welfare first - that's all any of us can do. You sound lovely actually.

I have problems with anxiety and I have days where I just want to be on my own and I avoid spending too much time with my DS as I know I’m short tempered. But I am doing my best, I can’t take my normal meds due to pregnancy. He’s too young to really notice but I think it’s important he learns that adults aren’t always 100% and even in my bad days I’ll still cuddle with him on the sofa and play for short periods. You’ve got to give yourself a break. A bad parent wouldn’t care about the effect they’re having. Everyone snaps at their children.

My mother had (and still has) severe mental health problems that she still to this day denies that she has them, then the next day says she wants treatment but she’s read online that all the pills are fake and don’t work, then she will have a tantrum and accuse me of not thinking she’s sane. Growing up I could tell something wasn’t right but it was always my fault. My dad used to tell me that yes mum was unfair but it’s my responsibility to be careful around her and just agree with her. Now I realised how wrong that was and I have distanced myself from them, as she hasn’t left the house for 7 years now, and recently said she wouldn’t comment on the news of my second pregnancy until I had apologised for not taking her side in an argument she’d had with my sister weeks before. Ugh.

The difference between you and my mother OP is that you know there’s a problem and you’re trying. My mother’s refusal to damaged me, not the fact that she was ill - which is something I could understand, even when young.

akerman thank you but I'm far from lovely. Not sure my kids would agree either! That's it I tell them Ill try not to do it again and I do. I hate myself for it.

I know it sounds horrific but sometimes I have regretted having children as I didn't realise that I even had issues until after they were born and if I knew how things were going to turn out then I would have thought twice about it. They deserve so much better than what i can give them. It breaks my heart.

My mum suffered from relatively mild depression when I was growing up. I think I always knew that she found things difficult, but it didn’t affect her ability to be a good mum. She loved me so much and I always knew that.

As an adult, I have no mental health problems and a great relationship with both my parents. However my brother has had some mental health issues. I don’t know if this is genetic (and I was lucky enough to escape) or if our childhoods affected us differently.

My mum was full on psychotic, hopefully not remotely comparable to your situation. I’m more worried about them bring around MIL because she has dementia and can be angry and hallucinates, that’s closer to the experience I had with my mum than anxiety and depression. I struggle but am better now I’m in work and getting out more. Anxiety in particular is very contagious so hiding that as much as possible, or just explaining things. I’m not the best and they’ve missed out to some extent but not really that much, I’m sure you’re the same. Having other positive role models and peers will help a lot too. I suspect your negative opinion of yourself is the voice of your mother or other critical people from childhood, it’s not the reality and how a normal person would view you.

My father had severe depression and died from suicide. I have depression ( on life long medication) but have a very successful life in terms of careers education, etc. His mental illnesses had a terrible effect on me and my siblings. And the reason why I am consiously and contentedly child free.

Dear nappy. Try not to beat yourself up. Parenting is hard and something we could all do better. My depression and some adverse life events have led to me being less than perfect. There are some things I wish had been different. The most important thing is that the children know they are loved.

Lots of mental issues in my family. DF had bipolar.

My advice would be to be open with your children about your mental health issues and how it effects you. Don't hide it away like some dirty secret and shut down any discussion. tell your kids lots of people suffer, it's an illness in the same way breaking your leg or having diabeties is but it involves feelings and thoughts rather than something you can see and how to.protect thier own mental health ( e.g. by talking about feelings, exercising, priotising sleep, eating healthily) and what to do if they are worried about thier mental health.

I hope my children grow up more enlightened than I did. Good luck to you x

Please may I recommend “The Book you wish your Parents had read” by Philippa Perry.

Being the only child of a single parent with a full-on borderline personality disorder I’m lucky I’ve turned out as sorted as I am now but at 37 it’s been a very long road; one that I suspect with a well parent is likely to have been different.

Since starting my family in 2016 and now on baby #3 I’ve recieved both talking therapy and CBT both privately and on the NHS.

This is partly due to my wanting to keep on top of my mental health after being clobbered with post natal anxiety after baby #1. If you can afford CBT I’d do it; I question the use of talking therapy for coming to terms with the anxieties and catastrophic thoughts that living with an ill parent can hardwire in us. CBT really helped me manage fears and intrusive negative thoughts.

I have found that book has allowed me to frame how I parent slightly differently (I think I’m a decent parent but am prone to explosion when my three year old is being “extra toddler”) and little mental tools I recieved from CBT massively help too.

Good luck.

@TheNestedIf what an unproductive thing to say... 'I'm not going to tell you my story as it would just be a therapeutic rant to me and no help to you"... I'd say it's that opening sentence right there that was the 'no help' to the poster part.

And are you a professional to tell her 'definitely don't get your children involved'?

Depending on the age of the children, what's wrong with letting your child know (in an age appropriate way) that you are sorry for mum shouting (for example), and that mum shouldn't have got that cross... but in exactly the same way that little people get upset or angry when they get frustrated, well sometimes so does mum. Mum doesn't have to go into detail about what's ticked off her frustration or stress and use names like 'anxiety' but is still addressing the issue. And actually I think older kids could benefit from a little bit more detail and understanding.

Yes I agree, don't give too much adult information to children. You don't want them scared or unable to process it. But communicating with them and helping them to understand that none of what is going on is their fault, it's just how mum feels sometimes and mum is working really hard to change this, is far better than keeping it all from them and them having no idea why mum is the way she is but knowing that something isnt right. They pick up on everything. So keeping it from them isnt going to work.

@nappyyappy good luck, be kind to yourself and suft out the words that you can resonate with from the words that you don't on here.

@Dinosauratemydaffodils your mum certainly had a lot more issues than anxiety and PND and it's no wonder you agree that mental health should be kept away from children. In that situation, children should be removed from their parent if the family isnt getting the support they need. But your personal experience might be a lot more extreme than what this mother is talking about.

My mother had severe mental health problems all of my childhood and I had no childhood. We barely speak now.
She didn't do anything to address these issues properly. Just days and weeks lying in bed while I did all the shopping (at 8 years old) living in a series of awful London bedsits on benefits. You must do everything you can to get treatment and make sure the children have other adultimate they can be with. My grandparents were the best thing in my life.

@nappyyappy I've now read your response and from what you are saying, you're not the worse mum in the world, you just feel like you are because you can be snappy and want to be left alone and you let your children know that.
First of all you are a fantastic mum because you are aware of this and worried about how its effectung your children. You love them, you care about how they feel and yanno what, lots of mums who don't have mental health problems aren't that tuned in. So your doing ok.
You say you let them know it's nothing to do with them, well also follow that up by telling them how much you love them and give them a big hug.
I get feeling like regretting you had them. Because I developed Pnd after having my 2nd and didnt get any help until she was 1 year. And even after that, it came back with my 3rd. And right or wrong I said to my partner that sometimes I wish I'd never had the 2nd because I've never been the same since I had her and felt like maybe if I just had one, I'd still be my strong, confident, content self. But reality is, I cant say that, because who knows what kicks mental health off or when it will come out?
I know exactly how it feels when the dark days seem to go on and on and you snap ect and then feel really horrendous afterwards for snapping. And I'd dwell on it lo g after they were in bed too and that would make it even bigger and worse on my head. But kids are resilient and they understand more than we give them credit for if we are honest with them. And for you, this time wont last forever. Even if it feels like it will. You need to find ways to manage your anxiety and when you've got that, these times will get less and less.
Try therapy. Try multiple things until you find what works for you.

Mother has been narcissistic, full blown psychosis with suicide attempts thrown in, and my father watched it, supporting her golden child treatment of my sibling and scapegoating of me. Walking in on a parent who's attempted suicide with empty pill blisters strewn everywhere is fun at 12.

I'm VLC nowadays, have had depression for 20 years, panic attacks, PTSD, CPTSD and I have periods I self harm. My children are grown now but my mental health has never been taken out on them as easy targets, I've had therapy and undergoing a second set. Will likely be on medication for life.