To ask if you had a parent with mental health issues, how did it affect you?

[nappyyappy]

I'm wondering as I really worry about the impact my mental health has had on my kids.
I have anxiety and PTSD and hsve bouts of difficult times where i am the worst mum in the world. It breaks my heart and they deserve better.

My DM has a (diagnosed) personality disorder, severe anger issues and depression.
My DF was just a nasty person.

I did have C-PTSD and anxiety but after CBT I'm absolutely fine now. I wouldn't be who I am today without my upbringing!

The main thing is that you are aware of and accept your mental health. I think if you: keep calm during rows, always apologise when you're wrong, allow yourself compassion when you're struggling and really take time to listen to your kids, you're doing a lot better than many parents!

Don't be too hard on yourself, and I hope your mental health improves

My mum had depression. She could be snappy but all parents are- overall my childhood was amazing and we had an amazing bond.

My mum hid how bad she was feeling, it was hard for me because she was my best friend. I wish she would have let me help but she always pretended to be ok and put on a brave face.
She committed suicide the day after my 21st birthday when I was 8 months pregnant. And even now to me she was the bravest strongest person ever. I think the worst thing you can d is not let your kids in

There is such a range and spectrum of impacts it will be hard to get a sense on here. The best thing you can do though is to engage with the professionals in your care and make sure you’re taking any prescribed meds. My mother always became ill when she started resisting medication and we had a terrible cycle

Do not look for sympathy from them. Own your issues, and do not play the role of victim or martyr.
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This, with a thousand million bells on

No, SAHM2019, I am not a health care professional. FishBulb was more eloquent than I was. I was on the receiving end of martyrdom and vicitimhood which is why the next generation after my parent is messed up.

It's also why my parents won't be getting any grandchildren.

Apologies to OP. I wanted to make that point without accusing and I meant to help. But I'm not going to stand to be attacked on a issue so close to home.

In fact, let me put the actual boot in, SAHM2019. You shouldn't have to explain what's wrong to your children because they shouldn't have to know.

I used to hear my mother crying to my father downstairs about how she wished she'd never had me which was nearly as bad as when she said it to me personally. From when I was 3.

I don't care about your PND. This isn't about your mental health now. It's about not perpetuating it to the next generation.

Sorry again, OP. This hit a nerve.

My parents didn't but one grandfather has severe anxiety issues and the other one had severe depression due to WW2 (including multiple suicide attempts). I have inherited both including the war related anxieties.

it's no wonder you agree that mental health should be kept away from children

That's not actually what I meant. I think talking about mental health in an age appropriate way is a good thing especially in today's society. It's intentionally involving small children in your personal struggles I'm against. For example my ptsd stems from being raped, I don't think that's something my children should be aware of, any more than I should have known the ins and outs of my parents issues at the same age. My eldest knows I go to the doctors (he's 4 and a half) to talk about things, he doesn't the details and he doesn't need to. There are days when I'd like never to leave the duvet let alone the house but they are the days where it's more important than ever that I take the children out to preschool and their activities.

I didn’t read thenested as unhelpful. To me it came across as saying that sharing details of all the shit wouldn’t be constructive. Op didn’t post for support or reassurance for herself, she wants to know about her children.

I agree with all those saying that children shouldn’t be burdened with your personal problems. They should know that they can depend on you emotionally no matter what, not that they need to be aware or considerate of your mh, or that sometimes parents can’t be relied upon as much as others, or worse they need to be the strong one and support you.

I also completely disagree with the idea that apologising after and reassuring them it isn’t their fault is the solution. You might genuinely mean it, but because of the power balance it doesn’t come across that way, personally it just made me more angry and upset when it’s repeated time after time. Because it just leaves you feeling that you have to accept the apology, and mummies feelings are fragile enough without me making her feel anymore guilty by not accepting it. Or worse setting her off again. And combined with repeatedly saying it isn’t their fault, it just translates as it’s all pretty futile, mummy can’t help it and you aren’t good enough to change it.

By all means apologise and tell them an age appropriate version of mummies head doesn’t always work properly. But I strongly believe they should also have the chance to have their feelings acknowledged, which won’t happen if they are unintentionally guilted into accepting apologies, or if they are worried about how you might react.

Depending on age and situation, a toddler or small child that feels comfortable enough to shout back or throw something, or tell you how you’ve upset them, is a hell of a lot healthier than one that appears to outwardly let it go over their head and be willing to immediately wipe the slate clean after or be understanding/supportive.

It might be damn near impossible at times but I think there’s an obligation to bottle it all up, or at least try to, around children and let it out elsewhere.

@Dinosauratemydaffodils ok I hear you now. Completely misunderstood when I read initially. And I also agree that parents shouldn't intentionally involve children in their personal struggles. Its NOT for children to carry their parents burdens in that way. I was actually having this conversation with somebody recently and said I think it's important to communicate with children about certain things, but it's also important to keep adult conversations as just that... as in not give them more information than they can understand.

Hi,

My dad had a full blown nervous breakdown when I was about 11, and I didn't really get my dad "back" until I was nearly 20. I am now nearly 40 so attitudes towards mental health has changed alot since then, thankfully.

For me, it was a very scary time. Not scary because my dad was ill, but because my parents thought that by not telling me what was happening, they were protecting me. It made things much worse for me as I imagined all sorts. Had they explained on a level that I would have understood, I would have been much happier. As it was, I was left feeling ashamed of my dad which saddens me now I am older.

Fast forward twenty odd years, and I was left with PTSD and GAD after a horrific car crash. My kids were 12 and 7 so I was honest with them, that the crash had made mommy worry about lots of things and that I was going to see a special nurse who was helping me talk about my worries.

I'm happy to say that they accepted it, and it's had a positive effect in our household as my kids are very open with their worries and concerns.

Also, OP everyone feels like they're a crap parent at some point. Anyone who says they don't, are to be Frank, a huge blooming liar!

I still have the occasional bad day, especially when it comes to going out. I'm honest, and tell my kids that mommy isn't feeling too good and needs a bit 9f time to chill. Nine times out of ten, we still make it out. Good luck, you're doing fantastically x