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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask my boyfriend what his sisters problem is?

48 replies

Channychanny · 23/08/2019 19:02

Boyfriends sister has never gone out of her way to welcome me. She never says hello to me and at a family bbq she greeted everyone except me and my daughter. I am really baffled by her behaviour. After family events I have always got up and said bye to her when leaving etc. She stares me dead in the eyes like I’m an enemy. She engages in no conversation with me what so ever.

I haven’t said a thing to my boyfriend about this. We’ve been together 2 years. He gets very touchy and protective about his family but it’s got to the point where I think she’s rude and quite frankly I’m not sure I would want to be friends with someone like that. On the other hand I don’t want to cause problems within the family. Not sure if I should just carry on and say nothing or mention it to my boyfriend.

OP posts:
Justmuddlingalong · 23/08/2019 19:05

She's jealous and thinks you're not good enough probably. Ignore her. And quit trying to make an effort. She doesn't and gets away with it, so why should you bother?

Original poster
Channychanny · 23/08/2019 19:09

It annoys me because none of my family have treated my boyfriend like that. I would hate for him to feel how she has at times made me feel. It makes me feel annoyed as I haven’t done anything and have been pleasant to everyone.

I feel like he should know. I don’t always want to attend family events because of her.

OP posts:
GrandmaSteglitszch · 23/08/2019 19:12

Stare back like you see no-one there.

Faedawn · 23/08/2019 19:22

Have you tried speaking to your OH?

Justmuddlingalong · 23/08/2019 19:24

He does notice. He just choosing not to acknowledge it, because then he'd have to discuss it with her. And if he's protective of his family he won't want to.

Whiskeylover45 · 23/08/2019 19:44

We went through this. Took three years of her shitty, selfish, neurotic behaviour, and a cancer diagnosis, before now DH would acknowledge it. Once he did, she went totally deranged and as such we are now NC.

However I do understand. We spent a whole year arguing about the same thing to the point I could quote what was going to be said and when it was going to be said. It made me feel awful, like I was second best.

Looking back, I don't think anything could have been done. She would have been jealous of anyone, even the queen, taking DH "away" from her and her influence. however I wish I had gone above and beyond to just ignore her, not gone out of my way to help her and patronised her as best I could given the circumstances. Aka just not gave her headroom, or made excuses for her shitty behaviour.

It likely wouldn't have changed anything, and DH still would have explosive arguments with me, but at least I could have been more prepared when everything finally came to a head and not cared as much.

I would engage your DP on it and force him to face up to the fact her outright rudeness makes you feel bad. Then stop engaging with her. She can only play these games if you give her headspace and likely as not will stop when she realises you dont care.

Hope this helps. Sorry if it isnt totally coherent, running on 2 hrs sleep and my brain feels like mush lol xx

Dippypippy1980 · 23/08/2019 19:57

I would ask her politely, once, if there is a problem. Lightly - we seem to have got off on the wrong foot, how can we fix this.

If that doesn’t work, just wrote her off .

If you can’t rely on your boyfriend to stick up for you in the face of such rudeness think long and hard about your relationshio

DarkDarkNight · 23/08/2019 20:08

I wouldn’t ask your boyfriend. It’s not his fault, and he may not know. It will just put him in an awkward position. She has just taken against you for whatever reason (jealousy, or thinking you’re not good enough as a PP said).

I wouldn’t give her the satisfaction of letting her know you’ve either noticed or are bothered by it. Going forward I would just be polite and say a breezy rhetorical ‘hello, lovely day isn’t it?’ And on the way out ‘goodbye, we’ve had a lovely time’. Don’t acknowledge that she hasn’t actually said anything or is staring you out, don’t try to engage her in conversation. Other people will notice her rudeness.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 23/08/2019 20:34

I actually would ask your boyfriend though I've never been in this situation

In general if someone ignores someone doing something horrible (unless there is a chance of violence etc) in my mind, they are being complicit and condoning it. This is obviously a broad generalisation but they're his family so he is really the only person in this situation that should be on your side. By remaining neutral, he is clearly giving her the OK to continue this behaviour. And the fact you havent as you are worried about the fall out, to me, doesnt say much about the state of your relationship. You should at least be able to tell him if you're upset about something even if between you, you decide it's best not to take action

Original poster
Channychanny · 23/08/2019 21:14

Yeh I thought there’s no point telling him because what’s the point. Yet again I feel like I’m brewing. When he mentions her name, my blood runs cold.

OP posts:
Windydaysuponus · 23/08/2019 21:17

When I was with with xh his dsis hated me. Hated that I already had a dc that was referred to as dgc when she wanted the pfb dgc -
I stopped visiting unless I knew for certain she wouldn't be there.
For the entirety or our relationship!

Skittlesandbeer · 23/08/2019 21:46

Do you get on well with other members of his family? Could you (lightly) ask his mum? In a tone that suggests you’d to get to the bottom of it and sort it out before it gets uncomfortable for everyone?

neverornow · 23/08/2019 22:00

She's jealous of you or possibly has some sort of inferiority complex.

Maybe she can't accept another women in her brothers life. Some sisters get really territorial over their brothers and confuse their roles in their bros lives. She probably has him up on a pedestal as a perfect man figure and no woman is good enough for him.

You're better off to just ignore her. Greet her with a civil hello when you have to see her, just so as you don't look like the bitch here but leave it at that. There's no point trying with people like her. When she's giving you the evil eyes, stare back and ask her if she's ok? Let her know that you're on to her in some way if you can.

I'm not sure how to approach it with your BF but if you can, let him know that you will not be fobbed off, you're not stupid, you can tell when someone else is being blatantly rude and horrible. Explain he needs to stop disregarding your feelings like this and show you some support. If he won't defend you in front of her, then he needs to at least support you by making sure you're ok and removing you from an awkward situation where possible.

It's horrible! I've been there. These days I just completely ignore SIL. She means nothing to me and I just laugh at her rotten behavior now but it used to really get to me.

Read up on inferiority complexes and projecting negative emotions on others, sounds like your SIL has a bit of this going on.

Justmuddlingalong · 23/08/2019 22:02

A pitying smile should let her know how little she affects you.

billy1966 · 23/08/2019 22:03

"Very touchy and protective", maybe a good idea to see where you are in the pecking order.
If he thinks it's ok for his sister to be rude to you and not address it, you have a problem that will not go away.

Weak men are not attractive IMO.

Iwantacookie · 23/08/2019 22:07

I had this with sil. She just seemed to have it in for me.
She had a baby and it seemed to change her whole attitude. She's only 22 though so very young and immature.
You just have to rise above it and hope she grows up soon.

soreknees · 23/08/2019 22:10

I’ve not spoken to my partners sister in 6 years. She won’t even refer to me by name or say ‘hello’ to me.

SandAndSea · 23/08/2019 22:14

It sounds like sil is being blatantly, publicly rude to you. If so, then I think it's important to acknowledge, if only to yourself, that this is a whole family problem.

I would find a way to confront her about it. If you don't, you are letting her and everyone else in the family know that they can disrespect you without consequences.

EmmiJay · 23/08/2019 22:15

Bleh! Ignore ignore ignore. Play her at her own game. If she complains to your partner THEN you should go for his jugular and let rip. I detest family members who behave like that.

Northernparent68 · 23/08/2019 22:22

I mean this nicely, but I’d re consider the relationship as your bf won’t stand up to his sister for you. Do you want this for the rest of your life ?

ShawshanksRedemption · 23/08/2019 22:24

I can't accept that your DP hasn't realised that his sister pretty much blanks you one the entire 2 years you've been together. How often does his family get together and you are invited? If it's once a year I could guess he's not aware, but if on a regular basis...?

He gets very touchy and protective about his family
How has this been displayed? Were you asking questions? Was someone moaning about them and he shut them down?

TeachesOfPeaches · 23/08/2019 22:31

Maybe she doesn't like the fact you have a child

Original poster
Channychanny · 23/08/2019 22:44

I would say on average twice a year I might see her. I could say something small or jokingly about something a family member is doing or chooses to do and he will get defensive and come back at me. It’s really odd.

If someone In My family treated him this way I’d be onto it like at shot. He may not have noticed but the most recent occasion was as blatant as hell. Once at a dinner table she came late, greeted everyone individually, skipped me out and hugged my partner and carried on hugging and greeting everyone else. How pathetic. I felt annoyed and embarrassed at the same time. Makes me feel like not wanting to go to any of his family events.

OP posts:
Original poster
Channychanny · 23/08/2019 22:45

Thanks for the advice. There are another3 meals coming up and I don’t think I’m going to any of them.

OP posts:
SandAndSea · 23/08/2019 22:46

I've just re-read the op and seen that she snubs your daughter too. I absolutely wouldn't stand for this. Please teach your daughter that you are both deserving of kindness and respect.

Do you live with your BF? If not, how do you feel about finishing with him?

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