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AIBU?

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Original poster

Another wedding attendance thread...

35 replies

passthebluebottle · 23/08/2019 18:54

Apology in advance, this maybe long as I'm trying not to drip feed...

We have just received a save the date for a cousin for the end of next year

We have had a big family fallout which means my DM will be invited but not DF, all relatives of DMs side won't have anything to do with him

I'm worried about potential fall out after alcohol anyway as it's the first time I have seen any of them since the issues came to light

It's 7 hours away

DS will be just turning three at the time
I've just been informed there will be no children welcome

DH hates social events and isn't a fan of driving so won't be thrilled about the journey (yet to tell him)

DM has offered to look after DS, I think as an excuse for not having to go on her own so that we can go

I have been suffering from PND and it all came to a head around the time of finding out about the fallout

I feel obligated to go even though my head tells me it's going to be horrendous, there's a lot of notice so I don't feel like I can say we can't because of work etc
But I'm worried the fallout could get nastier if I'm seen to be blanking them

Not really sure what my AIBU is, but
What do I do?! Do I not go and risk making everything ten times worse? Or go and risk everything being ten times worse?!

OP posts:
Provincialbelle · 23/08/2019 19:00

Just don’t go. Small babies are almost conceived for the purpose of giving parents an excuse not to attend social functions.

ElizaDee · 23/08/2019 19:03

What is the fallout over? Should you not go in solidarity with your dad?

Original poster
passthebluebottle · 23/08/2019 19:06

Honestly @ElizaDee , I'm not sure he's in the right, which makes me feel awful to admit, but I'm worried about pushing my family away

It's something that happen 20+ years ago, that's only just come out

OP posts:
DeRigueurMortis · 23/08/2019 19:08

Sounds like hell to me.

Even your mother is finding ways to evade attending.

You're in prime position with a small child to a no-child wedding to simply say no.

I can't imagine why you would do otherwise in the circumstances.

Drum2018 · 23/08/2019 19:09

Obligated to go? It's a cousin, not your sister. Don't be daft. You haven't received an actual invite yet so until you do forget about it. If they live 7 hours away you're unlikely to bump into them anytime soon. If and when you do get an invite and need to reply, just buy a pre printed decline card and send it, no explanation required. You just add your names to it, wish them well and that's that.

SnuggyBuggy · 23/08/2019 19:11

I guess it depends on what relationships you most want to salvage. I do agree though that anyone should be able to understand that a parent might not be able to make a child free wedding

CatSmize · 23/08/2019 19:11

You don't need to decide yet. A lot can happen between now and the end of next year. The PND may be clouding your judgement. I'd wait to see how I feel when the invitation arrives.

dollydaydream114 · 23/08/2019 19:11

I feel obligated to go

Why? It’s not compulsory to accept invitations. Just say you can’t go.

ElizaDee · 23/08/2019 19:13

Honestly @ElizaDee , I'm not sure he's in the right, which makes me feel awful to admit, but I'm worried about pushing my family away

It's something that happen 20+ years ago, that's only just come out

Have they accused him of something?

Original poster
passthebluebottle · 23/08/2019 19:22

@ElizaDee I worry that's the nitty gritty of it all, but I haven't been told everything and I do think DMs trying to "protect" me, which makes me think it's worse than I know.

I only see them every other month or so and I get drip fed stuff by DM after a few drinks.

I hate the thought of blindly supporting them without all the info

OP posts:
Disfordarkchocolate · 23/08/2019 19:24

Could your husband look after your child and you go with your Mum, you could support each other.

flouncyfanny · 23/08/2019 19:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SirJamesTalbotAndHisSpeculum · 23/08/2019 19:32

Jeez.

It's much too far away and you don't want to go anyway.

Just decline the invitation.

I always do to stuff like this. Nobody will care, honestly.

Original poster
passthebluebottle · 23/08/2019 19:33

@Disfordarkchocolate my DH isn't prepared to consider me going alone because of my mental health, I have hard time even going to my own parents at the moment

My aunt has been messaging for months about wanting to see us and asking about us coming to the wedding or staying in their holiday home

I was surprised to hear they won't be inviting children as they've always said how much they can't wait to met DS, they haven't seen him yet because of the distance

OP posts:
IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 23/08/2019 19:34

You don’t need a reason to RSVP no. I wouldn’t travel seven hours for a wedding.

Drum2018 · 23/08/2019 19:42

A wedding isn't the place to meet someone's kids in fairness. They may well want to meet your child but still not want any kids at their wedding. They can't invite yours and leave others out.

Anyway, as the wedding is over a year away you really need to stop thinking about it now. They will send invitations out next year and you can decide then how the overall situation is. If they do ask you before that time then just be non commital, saying you don't know what you'll be doing by the end of this year, let alone next year.

Awrite · 23/08/2019 19:46

Christ, I wouldn't be going to anyone's wedding if it were 7 hours away and childfree.

Give it no more thought.

Original poster
passthebluebottle · 23/08/2019 19:54

I completely accept its far too early to be worrying but it's been on my mind since they got engaged

I would much rather say no, but I would feel sad that I'm not seeing all my family, they only get together for weddings and funerals!

And I'm worried it would add fuel to the fire if they thought I was taking sides.

OP posts:
ICanTuckMyBoobsInMyPockets · 23/08/2019 19:59

You don't have to tell them anything yet.

You don't reply to a save the date. Wait until.the invitation comes.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 23/08/2019 20:00

Hi OP

I dont think you are obliged to respond to a save the date card.
Your MH may be very different at the end of next year.
Is it around Christmas time? If so could you say something like your work dont approve December holidays til a couple of months before (this is true in my work), they ask everyone to put their requests in at the beginning of October and consider them all at once to make it fair.
This will be a v unpopular idea here but could you fly if it's a 7 hour drive? If you really dont want to go and it's going to cause you issues in the mean time just make up an excuse. You have a course at work then. You've booked a long haul holiday as it's the last one before your son starts school. Anything.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 23/08/2019 20:01

You can always send a lovely present and card if you cant make it to show you're not taking sides

NameChange92 · 23/08/2019 20:09

A save the date doesn't mean you need to give an answer yet. I think you need to try and forget about it for now and focus on your mental health (I appreciate that may be easier said than done). It's over a year away, hopefully by the time you get the actual invitation you'll be feeling a lot better and it won't seem like quite such a big deal - either attending or not attending. I'm guessing your PND is just making it all a lot harder to deal with at the moment.

If anyone does ask you whether you'll be attending be honest, say you're currently struggling with PND, so you really don't know yet and will have to see how you're doing nearer the time. No-one can complain that you're taking sides if you can't go because you're struggling. Whatever the wider family politics your priority has to be your health, so don't feel bad if you end up saying no.

Foslady · 23/08/2019 20:11

You could always have booked a holiday before the card came....

Original poster
passthebluebottle · 23/08/2019 20:13

@AmIRightOrAMeringue I think that's a good idea, After you mentioned work I did look at the work schedules and that time of year may actually be a bit too crazy to take off (I've only been there a year and still getting to grips with the busy periods)

I so appreciate everyone's comments, it's made me feel less awful about saying no.

I tend to try and people please but that's something I'm trying to work on

OP posts:
BlueLadybird · 23/08/2019 20:16

The end of next year?! I’ve never known a save the date so early.

You don’t need to respond now but when you do the invite say ‘sorry it’s DS’ third birthday so we are going away for the weekend as a family’.

It really doesn’t sound like it is worth all the stress it is putting you under. If you want to see your family arrange another time.

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