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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to cancel the holiday?

35 replies

TemporaryPermanent · 23/08/2019 18:42

I'm pretty sure it's the right decision but not 100%.

Holiday leaving tomorrow afternoon, back next Thurs. I am absolutely knackered from work and really looking forward to time with ds. My dad has had a minor stroke today - very unclear medical picture yet though it seems not too bad in itself, but he's very elderly. There are 3 of us, I'm not the nearest but not the furthest either. My dad's partner is too elderly to be involved and if he needs care he will probably have to live somewhere else.

I'm going to go and see him tomorrow morning but I'm pretty sure I have to cancel the holiday. Just wanting to get a chorus of 'yes of course you cancel'. Nothing is cancellable in terms of a refund, but I actually got travel insurance in time so apparently I might well get some money back which would be a bonus.

OP posts:

longearedbat · 23/08/2019 18:46

Before you cancel, check that your insurance will actually pay out. If your father has been in poor health and is on medication, for example, they might say that this is not an unexpected event. Sorry for your troubles though.

Outsomnia · 23/08/2019 18:53

I've been in your situation many times with an elderly parent.

Get an update from the hospital/GP. They will know if it is critical or not. Then off you go with a clear conscience.

You will be re energised after your break for future care sharing. But then again if you are going to feel wracked with guilt, then cancel, but I don't think there is any immediate need with TIA (mini stroke).

It really is your decision, based on the advice/information from the medics looking after Dad.

Best of luck.

Drum2018 · 23/08/2019 18:53

Definitely check insurance as they may not pay out for an illness (assuming he wasn't going with you). If you have 2 siblings to visit him for these few days and doctors aren't overly concerned then go. He'll probably be in hospital for a few days anyway.

Thehop · 23/08/2019 18:55

I wouldn’t necessarily cancel. My dad recovered well from his first 2 strokes.

If you have siblings to share then surely that can manage for a week?

Ponoka7 · 23/08/2019 18:55

Where were you going?

How disappointed will your DS be?

SirJamesTalbotAndHisSpeculum · 23/08/2019 18:55

Sorry you're in this situation, OP.

A minor stroke may not be very serious at all.
I echo PP who says that you should get advice from the hospital about your father before you make the decision to cancel the holiday.

KarmaStar · 23/08/2019 18:59

Go on your holiday up you sound like you need a rest,your d's will be terribly disappointed if you cancel.
Then you will return fresh,energised and able to take over from your siblings with no qualms.
And don't feel guilty,you need a break.

Gormless · 23/08/2019 19:01

I’ve been in a very similar situation OP: it’s hard. But if it really is minor, he should be ok and there won’t be much you can do anyhow. It’s also sounds like you need the break; the one observation I would make though is that going ahead might cause you more stress if you’re worrying about your dad. In any case, see how things seem tomorrow but definitely don’t cancel yet. Hope it all works out. It’s a tough one.

Original poster

TemporaryPermanent · 23/08/2019 19:07

Thanks very much for not posting 'you selfish bitch how can you even consider not cancelling' [pathetically grateful]

Ironically, all three of us were due to go on holiday this week

I am terrified they will discharge him home to an impossible situation - and not without reason, because he is the ultimate 'it will be FIIIIIINNNE' to all medical personnel, his partner sounds plausible in a short conversation but has dementia, and because I work in a hospital including a stroke unit and I know what the pressure is like to get people out (but also know they're not unreasonable and furthermore know that every day in hospital is a bad idea, etc etc).

OP posts:

Yodude · 23/08/2019 19:15

If you feel you have to stay could your family not still go without you? If you were going with family that is.

Wibblewobble99 · 23/08/2019 19:19

Firstly they shouldn’t just discharge him as there may need to be a care plan in place. It may be that he needs to have tests to determine the cause and severity. This may mean he’s in hospital for some days yet. I would strongly encourage a conversation with a doctor either on the phone or when you visit to get an idea of their plans. It may be you can go away as he’ll either be in hospital or a rehab/care home for physio etc for a few weeks. Sending you best wishes xxx

Original poster

TemporaryPermanent · 23/08/2019 19:20

No, it was just me and ds who's too young to go alone.

My father's 87 and I wasn't sure he was going to see this Christmas due to general frailty, though that's a pessimistic view. I rather think at his age even a minor stroke can knock things off the perch quite badly.

OP posts:

AmIThough · 23/08/2019 19:23

Honestly, I'd ask the professionals what the outlook is. If he's not likely to be severely unwell in the next week, go.

He wouldn't want DS to miss out and you have no reason to feel guilty.
There's nothing you can do for him if you cancel, really. You'll only be doing it for your own piece of mind.

I don't mean to sound blunt but your son needs you too

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 23/08/2019 19:27

I was going to say go on the holiday but be prepared to cut it short. Then I read your update about your Dad being 87 and frail generally. It's your decision and YANBU whatever you decide to do but if I'm being honest, I wouldn't go. DH's GM was 85 when she had a small stroke, we were told it was minor but she deteriorated very quickly after that. I'm not saying that'll be the case with your Dad, of course it might not be and I really hope it's not. I just don't think I'd be willing to take the risk given his age.

PinkiOcelot · 23/08/2019 19:31

I would speak to the hospital and see what they say.
You may only be one insured if you don’t go, not the people you are going with or they may not insure you in those circumstances eg not you who has had the stroke.

Cohle · 23/08/2019 19:31

I'm sorry you're in this position OP. To be honest though, I would cancel.

Or at the very least I'd have a conversation with your siblings about which one of you has to cancel and make sure that someone doesn't feel abandoned with a difficult situation.

You aren't being selfish though - trying to balance the needs of elderly parents with kids is really hard

Constantlurker · 23/08/2019 19:32

So sorry about the situation, it's a real tough one. But honestly I'd check if you can actually claim on insurance first. I'm pretty sure they won't cover it. Sadly I think if he wasn't originally coming on the holiday they would only cover you if a close relative passes away.

TeaForDad · 23/08/2019 19:35

If I was your dad I'd want you to come visit me for a cup of tea, give me a hug, then go and have a nice holiday with your family

user1493494961 · 23/08/2019 19:36

If it's minor, I would still go.

bridgetreilly · 23/08/2019 19:38

Where is the holiday? In the UK, I would still go but be prepared to come home a bit early if needed. Abroad I would be more likely to cancel, but only if it's really necessary.

hopeishere · 23/08/2019 19:40

I'd go and ask the doctor. When my mum was sick the doctor very gently said she thought we should cancel (my mum died three days later).

Also get on to your siblings and make it clear you're going on holiday and they need to step up.

apostropheuse · 23/08/2019 19:41

Personally, I wouldn''t go.I wouldn't be able to relax to be honest.

Josieannathe2nd · 23/08/2019 19:42

I’d pack tonight, visit in hospital and see if he’s likely to be discharged before Thursday. If he ask discuss with the ward manager/senior nurse/therapy team about his discharge and what help he will need- or perhaps need a couple of weeks in respite before going home, leave it in writing and then go on your holiday. If you are doing lots of caring you too need to have a rest. Having said that if he doesn’t look great tomorrow I would be prepared to cancel. Also, it doesn’t depend whether you will be able to call for updates easily from holiday and whether you would be too worried to enjoy the holiday or not.

Cryalot2 · 23/08/2019 19:46

Sorry speak to the hospital. I would still go as they will not send him home without proper care packages.
You deserve a holiday and I know my mum would not want me cancelling holiday.

Honeyroar · 23/08/2019 19:49

I sympathise, I've had to cancel four mini breaks in the last 18 months because of immediate family being in hospital. I don't regret it. I did go on a work trip to New York when my husband had just had an operation (went two days later, after seeing he was ok) and when I rang from the hotel he'd got sepsis and was really sick. It was the longest 24 hours getting home. Never again!

Could you stay nearby and find lots of days out etc you could do with your little boy to make up for it? Things that would feel like a holiday day out, but would mean you could get to your dad quickly if need be?

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