Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What to say to pregnant friend who didnt want kids

29 replies

Howdidido · 22/08/2019 21:16

So a friend of a friend really (we went to school together but only see each other through mutual friend) is about to give birth next month. I'll call her L.
Last time I saw her (maybe a year - 18months ago) we had a chat about having kids. My DD was 2 at the time.
She was adamant she didn't want kids ever. Her DP was very keen to have kids. Our mutual friend (I'll call her M) was telling her she should have kids or she'd regret it. I, away from her DP and M when she asked me. I said very honestly that didn't think anyone who didn't want kids should have kids- even if their partner really did. It's not easy (pregnancy, giving up your body, early babies, toddlers) even when you wanted them dearly. I wouldn't have had DD unless I really really wanted her.
So fast forward to now, Since then I feel the same. I'm not pregnant with DD2. But had to think hard if it was the right thing to do

I'm going to see her tomorrow. M told me last week that L was pregnant and that "isn't it wonderful, her DP is taking 3 months off work to help ". M loves kids. She has 4. Her DH does the absolute minimum to help. She has always been at L to have kids " before it's too late"
So I guess ny question is - what do I say to L tomorrow? Congratulations seems a strange thing to say (she was so adamant. She's having a CS because she's terrified of childbirth). But i dont really have anything else to say. Lots of empathy on pregnancy I guess. But is Congratulations the right thing to kick off with?

OP posts:
Original poster
Howdidido · 22/08/2019 21:17

*im NOW pregnant with DD2... Sorry typo.

OP posts:
Whatsername7 · 22/08/2019 21:19

Ask her how she is. Tell her she looks lovely. Talk about any of the other interesting things about her and you, other than the bun in your oven?

Taswama · 22/08/2019 21:19

Maybe a ‘how are you feeling?’ type open question rather than assuming she is happy / unhappy.

Crotchgoblins · 22/08/2019 21:19

Say congratulations and ask how she is doing. She may have been masking infertility or something else, or just simply changed her mind.

I've had many friends who were adamant they didn't want children and changed their minds. It's allowed!

Samosaurus · 22/08/2019 21:19

Are you sure she wasn’t struggling with fertility and was saying she didn’t wants kids to protect herself?

And of course say congratulations, why wouldn’t you - she has chosen to have her baby so what else would you say?!

Original poster
Howdidido · 22/08/2019 21:22

No fertility problems. It was a definite " I don't want or like kids and don't want any. But my DP does. She we try because he does? Would you have kids if you didn't want them " conversation. She was quite annoyed with M for going on at her.
So pretty sure was masking anything.

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 22/08/2019 21:23

You say congratulations be ause regardless of the reason, this is a choice she's made.
Ask how she's feeling, and discuss the isi things you'd usually talk about if she doesn't want to talk babies.

Don't assume she forced herself to get pregnant to keep her partner happy

ItsABubbleParty · 22/08/2019 22:26

How do you know there wasn't any fertility issues? Lots of people facing those issues tell everyone they don't want kids.

Just ask how she is. She's still a person but just pregnant. She may well have.m changed her mind in the meantime.

cleverknot · 22/08/2019 22:32

"How are you doing?" is fine & plenty. If she's happy about the pregnancy you can add congrats after a few sentences.

Ilikethisone · 22/08/2019 22:36

It's entirely possible she changed her mind.

Or that she had a contraception failure, but then decided that she wanted to keep the baby

I cant imagine anything more tha raising an think 'oh' if someone I knew got pregnant when they had said 18 months ago they didnt want kids.

Strange thigh to worry about.

Dinosauraddict · 22/08/2019 22:37

I'll be completely honest that I struggled with infertility and I told EVERYONE for years, including myself in an attempt to fool myself, that I didn't want (or like) kids. It was a protection measure. Now I'm finally pregnant (through treatment) and I'm announcing my happy news so many people keep going 'oh I didn't think you wanted kids' or some equivalent. I understand why, but they are/were very very wrong.

AnneLovesGilbert · 22/08/2019 22:43

Just keep it light OP “hope you’re not crippled with heartburn, so what about Brexit then” Grin

Congratulations Dinosauraddict, but they’re not wrong if they believed what you spent years telling them, and yourself?

DuchessOfDukeStreet · 22/08/2019 22:43

M sounds like a bit of a treat, to be honest.

PrtScn · 22/08/2019 22:44

I never wanted children, not particularly keen on them if I'm honest.
I had a contraceptive failure. Partner has always wanted kids so I thought what the hell. I used to regularly regret my decision to keep him, I think a big part of it was PND and him being a very difficult newborn. I've come to terms with my lot, and now think he's adorable. It helps that my partner regularly makes sure that I have "me" days.
So just say congratulations and change the subject if it makes you uncomfortable.

Hugtheduggee · 22/08/2019 22:46

I was L. To the extent that I scrolled back up and checked this wasn't a zombie thread about me.

I didn't want kids. My partner did. We decided to have a child, with him doing a lot of the work. I had a section because I didn't want to go through childbirth.

I now have two children and would have more of I could. I still hate pregnancy.

A lot of people were unsure of whether to offer congratulations, were asking if it was planned etc.
I went into pregnancy reluctantly, taking a leap of faith. And it was the best leap I've ever taken.

Just congratulate your friend.

poolblack · 22/08/2019 22:46

So what if she didn't want kids. People are allowed to change their minds. How about saying 'congratulations' Hmm

Sayhellotothethings · 22/08/2019 22:47

None of your business to comment on if her pregnancy was wanted - sorry to be blunt. She might have changed her mind, might have had a happy accident, might have been masking fertility concerns. The amount of people I said "oh maybe some day" to when they asked about me having children - in reality I had been trying for a year and cried every time I got a negative test.

Say congratulations, how is she finding it, blah blah. No need for anything else.

ImNotHappyaboutitPauline · 22/08/2019 22:48

You're overthinking this. She's not going to be waiting for your reaction and there's no need to walk on eggshells. If you don't want to say the word "congratulations" you can just great her with a big smile and say something along the lines of Hi, lovely to see you, how are you? and let the conversation go from there.

She may have been hiding fertility problems, she may have changed her mind or you may be right and she's gone ahead with this to please her husband, against her better judgment. She certainly won't be the first parent who's done that! It doesn't really matter though as she's obviously having it so really you just need to be friendly and polite.

taytosandwich · 22/08/2019 22:49

Just be normal and congratulate her.

Sayhellotothethings · 22/08/2019 22:49

And being scared of childbirth isn't uncommon, even in people that have a planned pregnancy (which hers could well be).

Shakennotshook · 22/08/2019 22:49

It's none of your business. Avoid the subject if you feel that awkward, but you're making far more of this than you need to.
People change their minds, contraception fails, people mask things incredibly well, especially with people they're not close to - I often say I hate children when the reality is I'm infertile.
If you're not a bosum buddy shes unlikely to turn round and say shes dreading the birth of the baby and it's a mistake is she?
Stop making it into something it doesnt have to be. She might feel awkward about the conversation now too. But ultimately it's not difficult to keep things light!

PumpkinP · 22/08/2019 23:01

I agree that you’re making this far bigger than it needs to be. Just say congratulations, I remember my sister telling her friend I was pregnant, I was stood right their and her response was “is that a good thing?!” Hmm

Hithere12 · 22/08/2019 23:08

First off M is an asshole. Second just act happy for her.

Pillowaddict · 22/08/2019 23:16

Before I got pregnant with dd1 I was very vocal about not wanting kids. Adamant. She was a 'surprise', but we weren't usong protection, so at some level I was clearly open to it, and I love my dc dearly (now have 2). Not sure I'd have gone down IVF or made a concerted effort to conceive if it hadn't happened for us, but also moved on quickly from not wanting to be a mum obviously! I'd not have appreciated anyone bringing up my (in hindsight, not thought through) comments. I was in a different place then.

Teaandchocolatecake · 22/08/2019 23:17

I was adamant that I didn't want children, when I told my parents they were going to be grandparents they thought that my sister was pregnant!

I used the I'm on antibiotics thing to avoid drinking and I'm probably one of the only women that it didn't arouse suspicion with amongst my friends as everyone knew my (strong) feelings.

I simply changed my mind. It was as much of a surprise to me as anyone else.