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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL and SIL problems

53 replies

navteexo · 22/08/2019 20:16

Hi everyone,

I dont post that often, but i guess i just wanted an outlet to express how I feel. Im not close to my mum/sister/brother anymore because they disowned me for choosing to marry outside of the religion.

I only have 1 or 2 friends but we arent that close anymore as they're busy with their lives and have problems of their own.

So anyways, DH has a sister who is the same age as me, 25. A brother who is 30 and a mum and dad. Whenever im around them, they will never say hello to me, never acknowledge my presence. I have to be the one who says hello first..all the time. Today i waited, and waited to see how long MIL and his sister would go without making eye contact and saying hi..but i felt petty so i just said hello how are you guys, hows work? All i got back was 'hi'. And they carried on with what they were doing.

All of this started when i was told that it is a tradition for the baby to be named by DH sister. I was shocked because it is beyond me that anyone would even do this in this day and age. Plus, since ive fallen pregnant me and DH have been discussing names etc. So of course we told his sister that we are choosing OUR baby's name. After that day, shes been ignoring me, she gives me dirty looks, i hear her whispering about me to her mum..things like 'i dont know why my brother fusses over her so much, shes not the first woman to get pregnant'.
Theyve told DH not to make me a cup of tea, or help me cook because he is not my 'slave' and that i should do it myself

Me and my husband are a team. We do whatever needs to be done in the house, whether its cooking or hoovering..or laundry.

I just feel so lonely, and down. Thank you in advance for reading all of this. I cant talk to anyone else x

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 22/08/2019 20:19

Why are you spending time with these horrible people, and why isn't your husband standing up for you? What a sad state of affairs.

Original poster
navteexo · 22/08/2019 20:20

Oh and DH does tell them that they should stop their nonsense. But theres only so much he will say. He tells me to just ignore it because he wants peace..and no fights. We have already confronted them.once and i got the blame for being a trouble maker, and that its all in my head. I see how peoples families get along so well and i get so down when i see how im treated. Tbh theres so much more to it its just long to type. Its gotten to the point where i wish i could rewind, and actually not marry him. Just cos of his family

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 22/08/2019 20:22

You don't have to live like this. You are nothing more than a second class citizen in your own marriage. Is this the dynamic you want to raise your child in?

31RueCambon · 22/08/2019 20:27

Wow that sounds shit OP

I would EITHER go for 'do or die' approach highlighting their bad behavior.
Say "i feel like your are deliberately cruel to me. Is this yr intention?"
Hopefully they will say "um no" and if they do, pretend to take that at face value "oh im glad it is not your intention!".
Pretend that you take them at their w9rd.

If they say something like "oh don't start" that is off script! :-)

They sound horrible. Being ignored by them far worse that a big row.

Owlypants · 22/08/2019 20:27

Join as many groups as you can and make some new friends. Ignore your mil and sil as they really are just being childish, you don't need to put up with that shit. Joining a few groups might lead to some new friendships where you can spend time with people who aren't weird twats

greenwaterbottle · 22/08/2019 20:27

If he wants you to go round he has to convince you he has your back and challenge all this.
Or you won't be going round
And neither will your baby

Cantthinkofanythingrightnow · 22/08/2019 20:29

They sound awful! Honestly don't waste your time on them. If they wont treat you with respect then don't visit them.

If you don't mind me asking what background are they?

31RueCambon · 22/08/2019 20:30

But obviously your husband should tell them to stop being rude and nasty! He should be able to tell them that it is his decision whether or not to make his wife a cup of tea.

Mouikey · 22/08/2019 20:37

Let your husband visit on his own, that way no fights, you don’t get bullied and he gets to see them. Continue with this when baby is born - also no hospital visits (don’t do it to yourself no matter how much they may have ‘changed’).

Do get into some baby groups such as NCT, the hospital ones (if they do them) or similar. Once baby is here enrol on baby groups, visit play groups, go to breast feeding support groups (if that’s how you end up feeding). You will make friends in the strangest of places! Focus on your growing family rather than the bullies.

Drum2018 · 22/08/2019 20:42

Stop visiting them and tell Dh not to invite them to your house until they learn some manners. Seems they aren't the only ones who disapproved of your marriage - you need to take a big step back and make sure Dh is on your side, otherwise you're in for years of this shit.

BooseysMom · 22/08/2019 20:47

This is unbelievable..i actually can't understand how they can treat you so badly when you are having a baby that ought to be a treasured member of their family. You were even the first to say hello when they ignored you and that makes you the bigger person! So i agree with pps, you must cut them out of your lives as much as poss. And play them at their own game. I'm sorry you are going thru this. Good luck x

CSIblonde · 22/08/2019 20:48

Just limit contact wherever possible & it won't feel like such a big thing. Your partner can go on his own while you use that time for a new hobby, book club, fitness group to meet new friends.

Ponoka7 · 22/08/2019 20:51

You're not getting anything out of the visits, so stop going.

Given your circumstances, you don't need negative people like this around you, in later pregnancy or after birth.

You will be amazed at how assertive having a baby will make you. However there will be some sadness because of your family situation and you need support, not unkindness.

RedRose55 · 22/08/2019 20:53

Indian/Pakistani background? My MIL and SIL were like this. I cut them off completely.

ElizaDee · 22/08/2019 20:58

What culture/religion are they? I've never heard of the tradition of someone other than the parents naming the baby so just out of interest.

MeadowHay · 22/08/2019 21:01

OP PM me if you want someone to chat that might get some of the cultural sensitivities a little bit at least. In my DF's culture the DF's sister often names their first child as well but it's not a rigid rule. My aunt did in fact technically name me but my DPs both liked the name and were happy with it. I am wondering what religious background you are from though as well. I also married outside of my religious background and my family were v. aggrieved but they got over it, it was touch-and-go with my DF for a bit but he decided he didn't have it in him to disown me so he got over it and started calling DH 'son' instead.

Anyway ime MN isn't great for these kinds of threads because most PPs have no insight into the cultural realities involved. You might be better off posting in the multicultural families section.

It sounds like a shit situation, ofc you can name your own child and honestly I wouldn't be making a big effort with your ILs if they don't respect you or make an effort with you, it's their loss.

CruellaFeinberg · 22/08/2019 21:02

All of this started when i was told that it is a tradition for the baby to be named by DH sister.

Is this a religious or cultural tradition or a family one

MeadowHay · 22/08/2019 21:03

Oh re: hello, in my DF's culture it is for the younger people to say hello first always, regardless of whether you are entering or you were there first etc, not sure if that is partly the situation here. I mean, it sounds like it's not that simple because obv they were very rude to you after you said hello, but I mean if I waited for DF to say 'hello' to me first ever I would never get a hello and he would get upset and annoyed as it's considered very disrespectful in his culture. In that culture young people have to say hello first as a sign of respect to older people.

billy1966 · 22/08/2019 21:06

OP,
It's unlikely they will change.
They sound just awful.
You poor woman.
Tell your husband you will no longer be in their company.
The baby will not be near them.
Prepare for your marriage not to work.
Prepare to be a single parent.
Organise yourself financially.
Prepare for the absolute worst and hope for the best.
Mind yourself.

Original poster
navteexo · 22/08/2019 21:06

Ladies, we live with them :( .. i know that is pretty shocking. The culture he belongs to doesnt accept the eldest son moving out. The son is expected to look after the parents, and live in a joint family. Ive begged him to let us leave and get our own place, because we cant keep living in their house and be controlled!!! Despite there being 2 other siblings, im the one who has to do their dishes, load the dishwasher, unload it, clean the kitchen, hoover the house.
If i dont MIL says to DH 'why couldnt she do it today? What did she get busy doing?' Before we got married, DH told me we will be getting our own place but that we will need to stay atleast a year out of 'respect for the tradition' ..its been 3 and we are still here. Thank you all for the encouragement and suggestions. Really helped to get it off my chest! Theyre indian, DH is born here but bound by traditions thanks to his mum.
I will be joining groups and making new friends. And will certainly focus on my own family. I also blame myself for enabling this. I was quiet for too long .. but mainly because i was battling a deep depression after losing my family, not once did they ask how i am

OP posts:
IhaveALooBrush · 22/08/2019 21:10

Fucking hell OP get out. Now.
If your DH loves you he will follow, if he doesn't you've saved yourself from a lifetime of it.
Please. Draw the line.

RandomMess · 22/08/2019 21:12

You would be happier on your own than staying there!!!

Leave, I suspect your DH will follow but be prepared and happy to go and be on your own.

CoolcoolcoolcoolcoolNoDoubt · 22/08/2019 21:17

Oh OP I’m so sorry ☹️ That sounds hellish

DillyDilly · 22/08/2019 21:19

Unless your own family are abusive, I’d be taking steps to reconcile with them. The situation with your in-laws and will become intolerable once your baby arrives, no matter what you do, if you’re still Iiving in the house.

If you can, move out now before the baby arrives, if you stay there, you will be trapped.

Teddybear45 · 22/08/2019 21:19

The naming ceremony is just that - ceremonial. The fai is no longer expected to choose the name (and hasn’t been for decades), just whisper the name the parents choose in the child’s ear during naming ceremony. Are there Indian daughters in law in the extended family? If so turn to them and ask them what they did - I bet none of them had the fai choose their baby’s name. Get some tips a about behaviour from them - bet they are far, far less polite than you. Indian daughters in law are expected to treat their in laws as parents / siblings which includes telling them off if they’re being stupid. You are even within your rights to smack your sister in law if she’s younger than you and being rude.

They’re trying to take advantage because you aren’t (I presume) Indian and so are probably more polite than an Indian daughter in law would be.